From the middle of the afternoon, through the world premiere of THE WALKING DEAD on AMC, and possibly beyond… welcome to TRORRORWEEN!!!
2:28 PM: You know what true horror is? Trying to make it through this Redskins/Lions game without going crazy. Good Lord, the mediocrity is abundant.
Anyway, welcome to this first post before the flurry of updates that will comprise the first annual Attacked By Gorillas TRORRORWEEN. Next year, it will probably be named something completely different, but who cares? They’ll all be in this particular site post, so refresh this page (not the front page, but this specific page) after four o’clock PM EST. Expect rants about movies, celebrities, people climbing trees, and anything else I can think of while I watch movies and laugh heartily at my screen… and then type about it!
WHAT’S ON TAP FIRST?
Not telling. I like surprises… and so should you!
Get ready- this is going to be a blast!
4:13 PM: I am waiting for this horrible Redskins/Lions game to end. This is annoying. McNabb is in Favre territory for me- I cringe when the game’s three minutes from being over and he throws the ball. Yeesh.
4:16 PM: Offensive line? What’s that?! Redskins shit it up yet again, Lions ball, about two minutes left in the fourth. One time out left for the Redskins. I am THIS CLOSE to getting the proceedings started, ladies and gentlemen. Bear with me, it might just be executive decision time.
4:20 PM: McNabb’s gonna get the ball back for the Redskins with 1:50 left. Skins are down by six. FAVRE TIME… but wait, Grossman is warming up! HALLOWEEN SWERVE! You gotta be fucking kidding me… “Happy” Halloween my ass.
Grossman is definitely in. SACKED! LIONS BALL! SUH RUNS IT IN FOR A TOUCHDOWN!
FUCK YOU, UNIVERSE!
Let’s get this shit started!
GETCHA POPCORN READY!
4:32 PM: FEEDING FRENZY is a feature length film from Red Letter Media, the brainchildesimos behind those awesome Star Wars prequel trilogy reviews on the Youtubes, and other assorted awesome reviews as well. When I saw that they were releasing an Eighties throwback of a creature feature, I snagged it… and now I’m watching it!
NO MAJOR SPOILERS JUST YET, because Doc just ordered his copy and hasn’t seen the flick yet, so I’m not going to go all out just yet- what I will say is this: for those of you that have seen RLM’s output, this is NOT a “Mr. Plinkett” film- if you want the “Plinkett” experience, watch the reviews.
“MR. PLINKETT” IS THE NAME OF MY “MR. BIG” COVER BAND
4:40 PM: On a side note, I got to see the Mythbusters live at the Rally to Restore Sanity. I hope I get to see Adam Savage at w00tstock one day.
THE TOMATO PASTE HAS AIDS IN IT. I’M GOING TO GO WASH MY HANDS.
4:44 PM: Mike Stoklasa is NOT playing Mr. Plinkett in this movie- he is playing the greatest horror movie character ever. Even better than “Roger” from NIGHT OF THE DEMONS.
YES! A FEMALE LEAD I AM ALLOWED TO HATE FROM THE GET GO!
4:48 PM: In horror movies, annoying female leads are something else I hate besides little kids. Examples of annoying female leads in horror movies are: Monica Keena in FREDDY VS. JASON, Tracie Thoms in DEATH PROOF, and-
OH SHIT RANDOM SINGING! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
…wait, this is a complete Eighties throwback. This is pretty awesome, yet just as uncomfortable as Jesse from FREDDY’S REVENGE dancing around in his underwear.
Hey, both lead character’s names are Jesse! What are the odds of THAT?!
4:51 PM: The roommate stuff is gold. SOUP.
4:58 PM: “Oh no, guess we’ll never know what happened on Monday night now! See you tomorrow!”
4:59 PM: Best “cock” joke ever. PRONOUNCIATION IS FUN.
5:11 PM: The thing I like the most about FEEDING FRENZY is the fact that it’s completely honest. The characters are almost hyperarchetypes, if that’s a word or if that ever makes sense.
I KNOW IT’S NOT A WORD, WHAT’S WRONG WITH THAT?!
Anyway, “hyperarchetypes” are, in my mind, character tropes that we know and have been exposed to countless times in all forms of media that are supercharged and portrayed as blatantly as possible in order to even out the subject matter.
I have a feeling that if FEEDING FRENZY was a “regular Eighties critter-based movie”, then the characters in it wouldn’t be as off the wall… but since the characters are very outlandish, it provides one hell of a balance to the subject matter- a guy hording creatures is a lot more fun to watch when all the characters are, well… pretty fucking stupid.
Except for Carl.
Carl’s the man… and here come the critters!
5:26 PM: The noises the critters make are an awesome throwback to Ash’s evil hand from EVIL DEAD 2. “THEY EVEN ATE HIS FUCKING FACE!” will now be a part of my daily lexicon. And I never thought I wouldn’t have a problem with a three minute pillow fight in a movie… BUT I DON’T WITH THIS ONE!
…and a hottie just got mulched. Thanks for playing!
Egads! Death! And Carl still doesn’t give a shit! Awesome!
5:34 PM: Okay. “You think I like eating hamburgers made by black teenagers every day?” A character saying this to his Russian wife makes me fall out of my seat with laughter… every… damn… time.
The whole gist (SCHOOL WORD ALERT) of the sitchu now is the fact that our heroes have to go and warn people about what’s going on, i.e. murderous critters are on the loose. Since these are our Little Small Minded Damn Heroes… this won’t go well at all.
Okay… the scene with the guy fixing the toilet sums this movie up completely. Blatant yet genius.
5:48 PM: There is a scene in a kitchen with Russian accented expletives that everyone should see to believe. There is also a sign on a door that says “The secret to life is TWINKIES UP THE ASS.”
Hey, this is TRORRORWEEN, I can do whatever I want! Anyway, our characters are having a mad dash and trying to work towards their endgame plan of saving the day- oh shit, they just dropped WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOUR FACE?!
I love that line.
Holy Exposition Time! Something about pheromones and virgins and dead tissue! Horror at its finest!
6:03 PM: And after the worst shut down in the history of shut downs, it happens again. Classic. KATIE BAR THE DOOR, SHIT’S GETTING REAL! This is pretty much the most logical third act in a movie that I’ve seen all month. I am amazed. We’re back to exposition time, but the movie’s almost over… so let’s see what happens!
Ooooh, a defibrillator kill! And an internet reference! And a happy ending for someone even if they went for the wrong hole!
Best. Ending. Ever.
GIMME SOME WEIRD MUSIC TO CLOSE THIS MOVIE OUT!
THAT IS NOT THE SONG THAT WAS PLAYING AT THE END OF THIS MOVIE, BUT I HAD TO DO IT ANYWAY
So, what’s next? How can I possibly top that? To what lengths can I- oh, wait. Earlier this month, I said I would address a certain movie… well,. um- yeah, we still have a lot of time until THE WALKING DEAD, right? Well, in that case… let’s just walk right down that mash-up road…
AND THE AWARD FOR WORST BOOB JOB EVER GOES TO…
6:19 PM: The brunette at the beginning. DEM SHITS DON’T MOVE, as the kids say. I loved Freddy’s opening, and I can do nothing but chuckle at the rest. The Faces of Voorhees’ Victims montage is fun, though. And the Freddy reveal. Then the nu-metal starts, and I get angry.
YES, I SAW THIS MOVIE IN THE THEATERS THREE TIMES
I wanted to see a sequel… and not in comic book form. Sue me.
6:34 PM: Transparency is awesome. All of these characters are so fucking vapid that it hurts. You can’t even root for the main character, aka Monica Keena aka Replacement Heroine. I’m trying not to be mean because all people rule, but hot damn in a skillet… she’s hard to get behind in a “root for” sense.
Would you like me to break that sentence down for you in a perverted fashion? I know what I did there, and it ain’t pretty.
THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!
There is a lot a like about this little flick though- the fact that Freddy’s used as the catalyst for all this bad shit is awesome. “YEAH, BUT IT WAS DONE HORRIBLY BLAH BLAH JASON DOESN’T HAVE SENSITIVE EYES BLIDDY BLAH NYAAAAAAAAAAAAH”. Character wise, the plot is a lot of fun-it’s the dressing that gets in the way.
6:38 PM: Everyone go to mcchris.com and listen to the song on the front page- it’s a Halloween song. This is why mc c;59hris is the man.
6:42 PM: So, one of the shit kids in the mental hospital broke out and scared the shit out of everyone at the local high school. PLOT FORTHCOMING: Springwood locked kids up and drugged them so they’d forget about Freddy Krueger. Krueger got pissed and was like, “BWAHAHAHAH JASON VOORHEES, RISE AND SHINE SO I CAN… RISE AND SHINE!” Jason woke up and started killing people, which gives Freddy more power. Kelly Rowland hits about three token character roles at once. It’s crazy.
I MISSED YOU, KATE
7:11 PM: I may or may not be correcting mistakes in earlier posts. Anyway, it’s PARTY TIME in FREDDY VS JASON land they’re in a cornfield partying it up. The best thing in the movie is about to die- GIBB. Here we have some classic, old school Freddy set design (remember, I am the only person on the internet that liked the remake)- and hey, some juxtaposition with the real world as GIBB is completely passed out and being tormented while some raver shit is being an asshole.
Krueger finally shows up on his turf with , and it is awesome. Wonderful old school scares here, and GIBB gets it due to some horny bastard feeling her up, which leads to one hell of a Jason Voorhees rampage in a corn field. More exposition, more sneaky deaky, and they’re back to expositioning.
I guess they needed time to let folks recover from the rave massacre.
7:26 PM: We get Krueger’s best moments as he kills Mark- it’s the first time he’s unleashed without the snark, IMO. And yes, I just used “IMO”’- you guys know what it means. Anyway, the movie picks up a tad more once we get slip into a dream where everyone wants to sacrifice Lori… Lochryn Munro is actually more awesome in this film than expected, btw.
And we’re off to the hospital to get to the crux of everything – the drugs that will keep Krueger out of people’s dreams… and we get hit with this:
So, it turns into this big ass metafight with Jason hunting the teens while Freddy’s running around in the pothead Mewes’ knockoff’s body.
And then we get into the good shit.
7:42 PM: And THAT’S why I saw the movie three times in the theater- for that. That is iconic, and I don’t give a shit if you wanted it some other way- it’s what we got, and what did YOU expect? It is, for all intents and purposes, Robert Englund’s last outing as Freddy, and goddamn if he doesn’t bring it home by encompassing the best of both worlds of the character.
Needless to say, shit breaks down, and we get into the big ol’ fan snafu about Jason being afraid of water. When the movie came out, everyone pissed a bitch about Jason being afraid of the H2O, but allow me to offer this one thing in the context of this movie: yes, Jason will physically not give a fuck about water, but mentally… it might just be his hangup- and when he’s passed out and you got Pizza Face Krueger ruling the dream world… well, then… Hockey Puck is fucked.
Almost time for the end!
7:57 PM: “Y’all, yall- something’s wrong here!” Kelly Rowland, you are neither Rogue nor Anna Paquin, so I will not accept that line delivery. Jason Voorhees is trapped, drowning in the dream world, and it’s up to one of Destiny’s Children to make things right.
WHOOPS SORRY HE AWAKE KRUEGER’S PISSED!
The “demon makeup” for Freddy is awesome, by the way.
As the kids hustle their way back to Crystal Lake in order to jumpstart ol’ Voorhees, we finish up the exposition, and we’re left with the big showdown…
…which I will not show now but will talk about final character beats and some such.
SO, HERE WE ARE, FACE TO FACE
Funny behind the scenes story about the lead up to the final fight- Kelly Rowland’s line of “What kinda faggot runs around in a Christmas sweater?” wasn’t in the script according to a lot of people involved in the production. If you’re into the ELM STREET series like I am, NEVER SLEEP AGAIN is the documentary you need to pick up- over four hours of content for that ass.
I’ll be back once the credits roll.
8:54 PM: So, that happened. You wanna know the good bits?
THERE YOU GO! THEY BOTH NEVER WIN!
And it’s onto the next one, but first- a special announcement!
NO, I WILL NOT LINK TO THE GHOSTBUSTERS PARODY
8:38 PM: I was fighting with a pizza. Anyway, there’s not a whole lot of time until THE WALKING DEAD hits, so I think I’ll try to cram in one of the Patron Saints of AbG… namely, Kenji Matsuda.
NO, SAY WHAT?! WHAT?!
Yes, there is a lot of craziness involved in this one. Kenji Matsuda is NOT the hero, but the “Jokeresque” gangster waving his gun around and cackling. Oddly enough, he is also the man due to this musical performance:
SOMEWHERE, DAVID BOWIE IS LAUGHING AT MATSUDA’S PANTS
Anyway, back to the movie, there’s a big ol shitstorm brewing because some gangsters made a deal with a couple of prisoners… one of which is the baddest man on the planet besides myself. Needless to say, shit goes down, people get shot… and people come back to life!
THERE BETTER BE A WHOLE LOT OF KILLING IN THIS
Oh, just you wait…
9:30 PM: The fights. I keep watching this movie due to the fights- it’s got zombies, it’s got crazy people, and lo- past the dawn of a new day, good sir… IT’S GOT FIGHTS! See, what happens is that EVERYONE AND THEIR MOTHER gets into a fight with the zombies, who also tote guns and slap bitches. Maybe not the latter, but you can see where I’m going with this- the zombies, albeit slow, retain most of their bodily functions, and it’s up to Our Hero to bring it home… or die trying.
The fun part is when the actual villain shows up and wrecks the fucking shit out of everyone, complete with sqoooshy sounds.
I’m slowing down, but there will be a second wind once we get to the main event, baby! Gonna take this all the way home to the pay window, you best believe that! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOW!
9:55 PM: If there’s one thing I love about VERSUS, it’s the fact that it embraces its’ roots and expands on them as best that the film can. There’s the little things- the musical stinger every time the hero “levels up” via a new article or weapon… and there’s all the side stories going on as well. The Yakuza, cops, the Hero Prisoner and His Girl, the Evil Guy Behind It All- it’s another wonderful mishmash of fun, in my opinion.
Then again, I’m just biding my time until THE WALKING DEAD starts…
10:32 PM: Holy fuck, they actually did it. THE WALKING DEAD is no joke as far as TV goes- like any good show, it’s about the characters and not the plot… and even if I’ve read the comic book, I still care about these characters due to the actors’ performances.
10:49 PM: And the verdict is in: I’m hooked- this is more of a character story than anything else, and if what I think happens in the show actually happens, I’m gonna be pissed.
Some quick words before the show comes back on from commercial- the effects are awesome. They aren’t fucking around, and it’s a joy to see on TV. The pacing is key too- there have been no stingers, just a quiet, sometimes startling progression in events. That’s the most refreshing thing of all, I think.
11:05 PM: Okay, consider the trigger not pulled for now. I didn’t know what they were going to do- this is TV after all. There’s a lot of “quiet” stuff going on here- actions, the general lack of a score, etc. Very refreshing… and now we’re in SHANTYVILLE!
OH SNAP, BAD THINGS’ GONNA HAPPEN
Hey- Hot Doctor from PRISON BREAK, I’ve missed you!
SO, NOW THAT THERE’S A COMMERCIAL, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?
11:26 PM: Rick’s (the main character, trying to get back to his family- I’m gonna have to sum this shit up legit later, right?
I’M TRYING NOT TO BLATANTLY SPOIL THINGS, SO YOU BETTER BEAR THE FUCK WITH ME
They are not pulling punches. And there’s a fucked up musical cue, which means that I dig this that much more!
11:53 PM: …aaaaaand the fucked up musical cue was the end of the pilot, and what a pilot it was. I implore you- as Master of the West Quadrant of the 32nd Hemisphere of the Internet… please, watch this show. Genre-based television needs your support… and, this show has SOME GODDAMNED ZOMBIES in it.
So now… BACK TO VERSUS!
WHOOPS, WRONG CLIP!
12:12 AM SAYS: “OH MY GOD, HOW DO WE END THIS NIGHT?!”
We went through THE WALKING DEAD and we finished up VERSUS (they all fought and keep fighting- the end!), so how what’s next?!
THAT’S RIGHT DADDY, THE WAY IT WAS INTENDED ON A DEAD FORMAT!
Blu-Ray is the only format that you can see GRINDHOUSE as it was originally presented, so since it’s going to die off soon, snag those Blu-Ray players up as fast as you can and-
BRICK, YOU ARE MAKING A HORRIBLE INSIDE JOKE RIGHT NOW THAT NO ONE GETS
…sorry. Let’s get on with it!
2:40 AM SAYS: WHAT HAPPENED?
I fell asleep. Computer’s all hot and everything! Since I have succumbed to the biological elements, how do I wrap things up adequately for the masses?
I DON’T THINK WE CAN!
Tell you what- let’s pause to combat sleep deprivation! That’s right- get some sleep everyone! TRORROR WILL BE HERE IN THE MORNING!
Brick Prior notes that some marathons end, but TRORROR is probably forever with a whole lot of breaks. More tomorrow!