Brick Prior, your computer’s life is running out.
THIS. IS. TRORROR.
I’M TRYING REALLY HARD TO GET THIS TO WORK, GUS
Let’s keep going no matter what.
JASON GOES TO HELL: THE FINAL FRIDAY was the first “Jason” under the New Line Cinema banner, and is was also touted as being the last. Why bring something in so you can wipe it off the face of the planet?
SURVEY SAYS… MARKETING!
That’s right- let’s boost those dwindling Friday franchise ticket sales by saying that this is the last one! It worked for FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 4: THE FINAL CHAPTER!
BUT PART 4 WAS A MUCH BETTER MOVIE
Correct! What we have here is a mish-mash of ideas, characters, body horror, winky-blinky bullshit, and Creepy Black Bounty Hunter Exposition! We even take a trip to S&M land- it’s like this movie was made for everyone but me!
It goes down like this- Jason Voorhees (no relation to Lark of SAVED BY THE BELL fame) gets trailed by the FBI and blown the fuck up. It’s such a spectacular explosion that all his body parts go all RAGU except for his head.
And his heart.
Which a black coroner promptly eats. Ladies and gentlemen, ich bein Black Jason, which is so awesome and so random that I used bad Germanese in order to get the point across.
VAS IST DIS?! ICH BEIN BLACK JASON?! MEIN GOTT!
Ja, ist- ahem. Well, it’s pretty fucking weird and random- you see, Jason Voorhees, due to some shoe-horned bullshit involving the Necronomicon, is some sort of body-hopping, mustache-hating, revenge fueled incorporeal son of a bitch during the duration of this film- we see “classic’” Jason Voorhees for about fifteen minutes throughout the whole film- but, nearly twenty years later… I still don’t know what the fuck is up with this particular look:
HOLY HYDROCEPHALIC FUCK, WHAT IS THAT?!
That’s Jason Voorhees! Years of killing have turned him into Fatty Machete Voorhees, Scourge of the Shake ‘n Steak!
SO, WHAT HAPPENS?
Well, it turns out that in order for Jason to get his “original body” back, he’s gotta send his demon baby self into one of his family members- either down the throat, up the butt, or through the babyshooter, I reckon. So, the whole movie’s about some smack-off in a letter jacket trying to get his daughter away from Jason because she’s Voorhees’ spawn, which leads to Creepy Black Bounty Hunter Exposition aka Creighton Duke. Duke has to explain all this shit, break Letterjacket Chumpstain’s fingers in order to impart said info, and then disappear for a bit only to take the baby, say some more shit about stuff, a MAGICAL KNIFE gets handed over, and DEATH FOR CREIGHTON DUKE.
Ah well, maybe next time for all that bounty hunter shit.
WHAT I LIKED
The gore. KNB strikes again!
WHAT I HATED
Unnecessary slow motion. The fact that Harry Mancini may or may not have programmed a key on his keyboard to play the classic Jason stinger… and then just held it down for the entire movie.
AT LEAST THERE WASN’T A STORY-BASED SEQUEL TO THIS HORSESHIT
Brick Prior is laughing at yet another year of bad timing and bullshit.