You forgot to flush, didn’t you? Now, you face the wrath of THE JANITOR… and he’s going to scrub your soul STRAIGHT TO HELL!
THIS. IS. TRORROR.
Let’s see how this turns out.
I was going to save this for the end of the month, but the lure was too strong. I attempted to watch it a couple of days ago at 3 am in the morning, and got thirty minutes through it before I fell asleep and woke up with the menu screen of Nu-Krueger on my TV at 5:30 in the morning, headphones cast off to the side, wondering what the fuck was going on.
Fast forward to this particular viewing attempt- while I was quick to write the movie off as a lackluster reimagining of the property, once I actually sat down to watch it… things changed just a tad. I was able to watch the movie under the impression of it being just another film, and not a complete franchise reboot… and you know what?
I dig it!
This isn’t Robert Englund as Freddy Krueger, and it damn sure isn’t the same Freddy Krueger as he was characterized in the other films… and that’s due to a little thing called “subtext”, or what I like to call “Holy Shit, They Went There”.
I HAVE A FEELING THAT I’M ABOUT TO BE REFERRED TO AS A “NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 2010 APOLOGIST” AND I DON’T CARE
It’s fun to shit-talk on remakes- blah blah blah why are they remaking this blah blah blah so and so was much better blah blah blah!
Newsflash- THE ORIGINAL WORK STILL EXISTS.
That’s my stance on it, and I refuse to allow myself to take the mindset of “Well, look at this, this, this, this, this, and let’s throw in some what if this happened instead?” in order to completely throw this film under the bus. I will deal with it on my own terms- I hate some movies because they’re fucking idiotic to me, not because my feelings get butthurt over a remake.
NEWSFLASH- THE ORIGINAL NIGHTMARE IS STILL PRETTY LAUGHABLE TOO
Oh, it’s damn laughable, and I really like that movie as well. Anyone can rip it to shreds… but, here’s a secret: sometimes the concepts of a film outweigh the actual execution of the piece.
The concept behind Freddy Krueger- a man that stalks you in your dreams, and if he kills you, you’re dead in real life- is pretty much bulletproof; it’s the execution that is hit or miss. As far as this franchise is concerned (in my opinion, naturally), the hits are the first film, the third film, Wes Craven’s New Nightmare, and amazingly enough, this film. Freddy vs. Jason is it’s own unique entity- more or less an episode of Freddy’s Nightmares guest starring Jason Voorhees and Monica Keena’s unmovable boobage… not to mention the worst line reading before a fight in history.
Don’t worry, Freddy vs. Jason gets dealt with later this month- I’m digressing, so… let’s get right down to it, shall we?
LET’S ATTEMPT AT GOING OVER THE SKINNY AGAIN
Teenagers are dying in their sleep, and they figure out they’re all being stalked by the same horribly burned man dressed in a red and green sweater, a fedora, and wielding a glove with knives on it. Motivated, they begin to uncover their shared past… and what they find out is something more shocking than their dreams.
Yeah, that’s the skinny.
BUT WHAT ABOUT THE WHOLE “KRUEGER BEING A CHILD MURDERER, YET NOT GETTING CONVICTED ONLY TO BE BURNED TO DEATH BY THE PARENTS OF SPRINGWOOD?”
That’s out of the window and that’s where everyone has a problem, I think.
It’s a “little known fact” (NOTE: nothing is “little known” once it’s on the internet), but Wes Craven originally intended for Freddy Krueger to be a child molester and not a blatant child murderer- he changed it due to the fact that he figured that audiences might not be too receptive to a child molester than a flat out child killer… and yeah, I don’t get it either- Krueger being a child molester or a child killer is bad news either way, so to nitpick over the fictional character being a “kiddie toucher” or a “kiddie killer” is a moot point.
So, what’s the big deal about it, you ask?
I think that due to the uh, how do you say, “law-breaking past-time” switch, one of the fans’ links to the original series is severed, and the movie is no longer what they expected it to be- it’s not another wonderful installment in the murdering adventures of Freddy Krueger, it’s something new and unfamiliar and that’s a major turn-off for some fans.
Anyway, the movie itself tackles Krueger as a sadistic fuck and not Sir Jokes-A-Minute- gone are the crazy cackles, the batshit insane dreamscapes, and the over-the-top flair that most associate with the character. What we’re left with is one burned up, pissed off asshole that just wants to “play” with his children again… and yes, that’s as creepy as it’s meant to be.
WHAT I LIKED
Amazingly, it feels fresh. I’ve been watching the original movies since the late Eighties, and the fact that there are some repeated setpieces (three, maybe four) from the original doesn’t matter to me at all. It’s new and it’s not the same old thing- I’d actually dig a series of movies with this particular Krueger than anything else… which leads me to Jackie Earle Haley as the man himself. While there are traces of Rorschach in some of the line readings, his Krueger’s a nasty bastard- the “one liners” seem to be more of the character making fun of the teenagers being, well… teenagers, and not necessarily him cracking jokes. I am definitely in the minority (HA! Shut up, you!) when it comes to liking this movie, but I don’t care. It works for me… there are some people out there that like Spice World, you know. Go fuck with them.
WHAT I HATED
Rooney Mara, stop mumbling. Good lord, the mumbles.
GOOD THING THIS WASN’T 21 CHUMP STREET- BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!
…and by typing that, something tells me we’ll get FREDDY vs JASON vs FREDDY vs JASON somewhere down the road. I apologize in advance.
Brick Prior needs two more hands to give the next film four thumbs down… possibly.