Once upon a time, a computer worked.
Now, it might not barely survive the month.
THIS. IS. TRORROR.
Time to bear down, impose my will, knuckle up, and all that “I’m ready to fight” shit that people say before MMA bouts, NFL games, and job interviews. This is my month! I’m gonna WIN!
Here me out with this one: “Scooby-Doo” started in 1969. Some crazy Italian saw Scooby-Doo and probably said, “Eh, you know what? I hate the dog and the kids! Let us focus on the redhead and have her get chased by a killer!
…that’s how we got this movie.
DEATH WALKS AT MIDNIGHT is one hell of a weird ass film that doesn’t quite know what it wants to be. Maybe it wants to showcase female empowerment for a few minutes, as it’s established that Daphn- er, Valentina (played by Susan Scott from DEATH IN HIGH HEELS from AHAD) pretty much has every job in the world- “model, entertainer, stand-up comedian, fashion designer”… you know who else has that skill set? Damn near everyone in Hollywood these days. This movie was either eerily accurate in its prediction for the career to have, or… they just didn’t know what they were doing.
WHAT IS THE GODDAMN PLOT, BRICK PRIOR?
Er, right. Daphne- goddamnit, I mean Valentina decides to volunteer for the usage of an experimental drug, and ends up seeing a killer with a black spiked glove tenderize some poor woman’s face. Everyone thinks it’s some sort of major hallucination, but Valentina rants and raves in Italian, harassing reporters and randomly walking into buildings and all sorts of crazy Seventies tactics in order to get down to business.
Seriously, take one redhead, plop her into 2010 in downtown Whereeverthefuck, and tell her that she has seen a killer with a spiked glove kill someone, and let’s see what happens.
THAT’S A REALITY TV SHOW!
Shaddup, you know what I mean. The woman takes about two weeks off from her various jobs to get down to the heart of the matter, which is just an excuse for her to around, say something in exasperated Italian, berate her reporter friend, randomly fall in bed with a painter friend- like I said, the film is all over the place.
“RANDOMLY FALL IN BED”- HOW DOES THAT WORK?
Like this (NOTE: this conversation is “paraphrased” from the actual dialogue. I know a thing or two about reading subtext):
PAINTER FRIEND: You know you’re getting old. When are you going to have kids?
DAPHN- ER, VALENTINA: Er, maybe sometime down the road-
PAINTER FRIEND: I have a penis and you have a vagina. LET’S GET STARTED!
DAPHN- ER, VALENTINA: Oh, wow! You’ve picked me up and tossed me on your conveniently placed bed only three meters from your kitchen!
PAINTER FRIEND: I have picked you up and tossed you on my bed and now I’m going to take my pants off!
DAPHN- ER, VALENTINA: One of my jobs is being inconveniently helpless, so you’re going to have to take my clothes off for me!
PAINTER FRIEND: I am taking your clothes off, and don’t mind my abrupt, rakish manner in doing so! I’m just very excited about making sure that you get pregnant!
DAPHN- ER, VALENTINA: Although I am awkward at responding to your actions and seem a little timid and possibly frightened beyond belief, I am glad that you are trying to get me pregnant even though I didn’t exactly plan for this sexual encounter to take place!
PAINTER FRIEND: The last three people I had here said the exact same thing! Maybe it’s just me! HAHAHAHAHA!
DAPHN- ER, VALENTINA: HAHAHAHAHHA!
PAINTER FRIEND: HAHAHAHAHAHA! AAAAAAAAAAAND, I’m spent!
I may or may not have taken some liberties with what actually happened. While I can relate subtext to folks, once it passes through a couple of suspect mental filters, things might be a little off.
This movie is a mess.
HOW DOES IT END?
Scooby and Shaggy show up to reveal that they were in on it with the Painter Friend, everybody fights, clothes are ripped, and there’s a bunch of jazzy Seventies music to take things home.
DAPHN- ER, VALENTINA IS SHOCKED THAT SOMEONE SAW HER FILM
…yeah, me too.
Brick Prior notes that an old friend returns… NEXT!