Posted on October 11th, 2010 in Brick Prior, Movies, TRORROR by Brick Prior

Some people love chicken.  Others like liver.  Others want Meow Mix to please deliver.

THIS. IS. TRORROR.

What do you get when you have Kathryn Bigelow directing a vampire movie starring Lance Henriksen, Bill Paxton, and Adrian Pasdar?

This!

THE TRAILER

 

THE SKINNY

I like my chili hot.  I like my chili so GOT DAMN hot you can cook a hog’s ass in a spoonful.  When a working man such as myself wants a- wait, I’m supposed to be talking about NEAR DARK.  I like vampires, yes I do, I like vampires- how about you?  Specifically, I like my vampires to be vicious, evil, and definitely non-sparkling, and this movie gives them to me in spades wrapped in a nice, neat late Eighties package. 

However, Caleb (played by Adrian Pasdar), our main character is a complete and utter creep.  Little Marie from ROCKY would call him a creepo.  When we first meet him, he’s busy sleeping in the back of his truck waiting for nightfall… and he then goes trolling for chicks.  There’s no real way to describe his actions except that he’s looking for… uh, action, but he gets a bunch of vampire shenanigans instead.

First, he gets turned.

Then, he gets burned via sunlight.

Then, Bill Paxton threatens to kill him.

Then, he’s gotta pal around with vampire versions of Lance Henriksen, Jenette Goldman (VASQUEZ~! from ALIENS), and some idiot kid.

There’s a lot of blood involved, some massacres, and a shootout with the POE-LICE.

But hey!  The dumb idiot vampire kid has the hots for Caleb’s sister, so he’s all like, “I need a playmate too” and Caleb’s like “Uh, no” and the kid’s like, “Uh, yes, I’m a vampire so I’m gonna get what I want”, and there’s some shit about a blood transfusion and Bill Paxton gets hit by a truck and there’s a some horseback riding and more vampires getting set on fire and then another blood transfusion and the movie ends.

I, of course, have done the film no justice whatsoever, but that’s pretty much the norm this month. 

WHAT I LIKED

It’s like a vampire film meets a Western meets the late Eighties with a side of Tangerine Dream!  Seriously, Tangerine Dream did the soundtrack for this one, and it sounds like… well, exactly what I wrote.  I’m a huge fan of tossing conventional tropes out of the window, so this was a fun one.  Also, as much as I give the vampire kid a bunch of shit (forgive me, I hate kids in horror movies), he’s just asking for it throughout the whole movie, so when the little undead asshole finally gets his, it’s very satisfying.

Oh, and Bill Paxton is awesome as always.

WHAT I HATED

holy crap, I can’t think of anything.  We have a winner!

THE VERDICT

NearDark1

THIS VAMPIRE IS GOING TO COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND FUCK YOUR DAY UP IF YOU DON’T SEE THIS FILM

Hee.

AND UP NEXT…

You’re gonna have to wait and see!

Brick Prior something something darkside.