In 2010, being a shiftless asshole is only the eighth secret to a person’s success.
How far will YOU go to make your defining trait the eighth?
THIS. IS. TRORROR.
Two words for this one- IT’S ITALIAN!
The name of this film is “Tombs of the Blind Dead”. I just realized that I haven’t been outright naming these films as we go along, as I’ve been expecting people to watch the trailers and see what the film of the day is. I’ve also been expecting people to read these, but AHAHAHAHAHA let’s get on with the show.
The progression of this film is absolutely horrendous.
I’m serious- granted, I don’t outright hate this film; I dig the concept behind the film and some of that jazz, but the execution and threadbare plot is sloppy and makes me hate myself for watching it. This is a film for faux horror movie snobs, which is something that shouldn’t exist but does. You know, the guy that says that the dystopian works of Jerome Sascattagachi make Uwe Boll’s horror movie output look like a three-year olds, when odds are that said person doesn’t even know who Jerome Sascattagachi is let alone his greatest works (“That Nyucka Cannibal Jones” from 1972 is absolutely fantastic, by the way). Enjoy it for what it is, but don’t put it up on a peda stool.
THAT’S “PEDESTAL”! WHAT ABOUT THE MOVIE, YOU FAUX HORROR MOVIE SNOB?
It’s one of those movies that starts off with random shots of dilapidated, decrepit ruins while ominous music plays in the background, then there are a few jump cuts to a screaming skeletal hand (SRRRRIOUSLY) and a screaming woman before we jump right into the story of Bet and Virginia (pronounced “Vir-hin-ia” because I find that to be funny), two friends that end up randomly running into each other at the swimming pool. Virginia’s with Some Dude who is immediately all into Bet, and Virginia doesn’t like that one bit. Due to the world’s worst flashback ever, we see that Bet downright seduced Virginia in college (she GOT ALL UP INZ DOWN SOUF, if ya know what I mean and I think ya do), and the poor girl ain’t been right since. She’s so off her GOT DAMN rocker that, upon seeing Some Dude hit on Bet some more, she jumps off the train that they’re on and decides to camp out in the same decrepit area we saw at the beginning of the film. Bedding down for the night, she decides to take a pause for the cause and fire up some rich greenery, and that brings out Blind Dead.
GOOD SIR, WHO ARE THE BLIND DEAD IN THIS FILM?
They are excommunicated templars who sacrificed a virgin by drinking her blood in order to gain immortality. However, they were hanged and crows plucked out their eyes. Now, they are awake due to this girl’s idiocy (jumping off a train to smoke some weed in a bunch of ruins? YOU DESERVE TO DIE) and out for more blood. They also ride horses in slow motion.
SO, WHAT HAPPENS?
Virginia gets murdered, Bet and Some Dude (subtitles tell me his name is Roger) identify her body, Basil Exposition shows up to explain what the Blind Dead are, and just about everyone gets killed, including a nifty massacre on a train.
It’s definitely one to see, but only once.
SOMEONE THOUGHT IT’D BE A GOOD IDEA TO GIVE CARL AND RICKY MORE ADVENTURES
Personally, I don’t care… wait, what do you mean the next film is called “The Return of the Evil Dead”?! OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY OH MY GOD NO.
Brick Prior does this to himself every year.