In 2008, Brick Prior watched thirty one horror movies during the month of October… and lived.
In 2009, during a catastrophic move, he… disappeared.
Now, in 2010, the self proclaimed “Northeastern Corner of the Internet’s Greatest Fictional Entertainment Personality in the Universe” returns from beyond server error warnings and sporadic content to bring you the ultimate experience in mayhem and debauchery.
Beyond your wildest imagination.
This. Is. TRORROR.
I HAVE A FRIEND WHO IS A DRAGONFLY
That being said, let’s get down to business.
There’s a book out there. Maybe you’ve heard of it. Necromicon Ex Mortis- the Book of the Dead. That book has nothing to do with this movie… I really, really wish it did.
This is a sequel to Dan O’Bannon’s absolutely awesome “The Return of the Living Dead”, and it is pretty much the Eli Manning to the Peyton Manning of the ROTLD clan.
Let me explain.
Peyton Manning, for all of his OH-MAW-HAW playchanging at the line of scrimmage and what not, is seen as a great quarterback and standup guy. However, Eli Manning, no matter what he does, comes off as the stumbling kid chasing after his big brother on their way to ride the rides at Disneyland. That horrible analogy sloppily established- Return of the Living Dead is a pretty tough act to follow when it comes to making a sequel.
OH WOW, MICKEY MOUSE HAS A BIG HEAD! HEY MICKEY, HOW DO YOU FIT THROUGH DOORWAYS? AND HEY- WHAT ABOUT THE MOVIE?!
Somewhat picking up where the first movie left off, the US Army’s still trying to clean up it’s mess. WHUT HAD HAPPENED WUZ that in 1968, the Army lost a bunch of canisters containing some weird nerve gas- the problem with the gas is that it reanimates dead bodies. What’s the Army’s solution to all these problems? Nuking the town that has the canisters. Fun times.
This one involves the suburbs, a plucky pre-teen that just wants to fit in with the neighborhood kids, some grave robbers that just happened to be actors from the first film, and an alcoholic dentist.
WHAT IT GETS RIGHT
Not a whole lot, but… the re-teaming of Thom Matthews and James Karen- they’re the standouts of the first film, and they put a fresh spin on those antics in this one. Thom Matthews still has one of my favorite all time horror movie double shots with Return of the Living Dead and Friday the 13th Part Six: Jason Lives, as he was horror movie gold in the Eighties. James Karen is hilarious as always… and that’s about it as far as standouts from the cast are concerned. There’s a “nifty” sequence involving the zombies raiding a deserted pet store to eat the animals inside, and the heroes tossing cow brains out of the back of a van in order to keep the zombies away from them, but other that that… pfft, this movie’s got nothing.
WHAT IT GETS WRONG
Everything. No disrespect to the work that people put in work on this movie, but hot damn if it doesn’t come off as an uninspired mess. It’s lazy. It tries to emulate what works in the first film and misses what actually worked by a mile. It’s ninety minutes of “Hey, this was in the first movie, so what if we did this but still kept it like the first movie…?” It’s like if George Lucas stood in front of you and forcefully told you why seeing Darth Vader as a little kid was important.
You don’t want to hear it, you don’t want to know about it, and goddamn it, there had to have been a better idea than that, right?
I HATE CHILDREN. IN MOVIES. THEREFORE, I HATE THIS MOVIE. AND THE CHILDREN IN IT.
My main problem with the film is that it’s a complete Eighties cash-in- number one, it’s a sequel. We all know how I feel about sequels that bring nothing new to the table (NOTE: maybe I’ve never fully explained this in the past three years. Hrm. It might be new article time!), so I don’t need to get into that little rant again. Number two, it does its best to shoehorn every single Eighties plot trope into the film and adds some zombie seasoning in the process. Take the zombies out of this film and you have The Goonies without One-Eyed Willie.
If it’s good enough for you, then it’s good enough for me. Let me repeat that: good enough for you? Good enough for me. Good? Good enough. Good enough for me. Y-y-y-y-y-y-y-yeah.
ANY MORE PROBLEMS?
Yeah- pretty much the whole film, sadly. The topper is the shit ending where the Main Kid fights Zombie Kid while the alcoholic dentist is drunk and Main Kid’s Sister and Cable Guy are making out up in the back of the Cow Brain Truck when they think they’re about to die. Back of the truck?! Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit. TREAT THAT GIRL RIGHT, CABLE GUY!
Take her to Sizzler first. No, wait- Red Lobster. CHEDDAH BISCUITS~!
AND NOW, THE VERDICT
THIS VERDICT HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE MOST HATED REVAMP OF A NINTENDO CHARACTER EVER
Until tomorrow, gang.
Brick Prior is not going to tell you what’s next this year. You’re just going to have to use your “book learnings” every day and read along with the rest of the class.