Boogity Boogity Boogity is an ongoing yet sporadic editorial/rant/column at Attacked by Gorillas in which Brick Prior, his brain, and several other fabricated personalities go one on one with whatever strikes Brick’s fancy.  Enjoy!

BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND!

The demand of one, that is… namely, me.  Let’s get right down to it!

HOLY SHIT DIANA, YOU USED SOME OF THAT AMAZONIAN MONEY TO BUY YOURSELF SOME PANTS!

WAIT, WHO’S HIGH SCHOOLER HAS BEEN PLAYING DC COMICS DRESS-UP THIS TIME?! 

That’s no high schooler, that’s Wonder Woman’s new costume for yet another new era in DC Comics!  The details are here, so you can click that and read it for the official word on this addition of pants to someone’s almost favorite Amazon.

BUT THE ARTICLE IS TOO LONG AND I DON’T FEEL LIKE READING!

You are this close to being called “fucking retarded”.  I am not going to spoon feed you information that’s already out there.  Read it.

BUT THE WORDS ARE ALL MULTISYLLABIC AND WILL POSSIBLY INFORM ME ABOUT THE SITUATION!

Ah well.  Worth a shot.

SO BRICK, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS TURN OF EVENTS?

First off, I think nothing’s sacred in entertainment.  Nothing.  Everything you like will eventually be turned to shit, and how you react is up to you.  My reaction concerning this is two-fold- I’m not a big fan of throwing established history under the bus, and if you read that article I linked to, there’s an element of retconning and repurposing of Wonder Woman’s established history in order make the costume fit for the upcoming story that J. Michael Strazcynski is going to tell.  We’ll find out if this actually works sometime down the road, but comics are so fucked up with the tinkering and meddling and things of that nature that I can’t be bothered to give too much of a shit about this.  I’m gonna take my new “wait and not give a fuck in the meantime” approach to this one.

THAT OLD COSTUME IS DUMB AS HELL!  NOW SHE’S WEARING A JACKET WITH SOME MOTHERFUCKING SHOULDERPADS!  AND IT’S A HALF-JACKET AT THAT!  YEAH BUDDY, WE DONE HIT FINAL FANTASY TERRITORY!  WHOOOOOOOOO!

I’m just throwing this out there, but… why would an Amazon need shoulderpads?

MAYBE THIS NEW TAKE ON WONDER WOMAN INVOLVES HER BEING AFFLICTED WITH A DEADLY WEAKNESS KNOWN AS “ACHILLES’ SHOULDER”?

You are a fucking idiot.

HEY, I’M JUST TRYING TO RATIONALIZE THE SHOULDERPADS RIGHT NOW.  SO, CHECK IT- AS THIS VERSION OF WONDER WOMAN WAS SPIRITED AWAY FROM HER BIRTHPLACE, THEY STARTED FIRING ARROWS AT HER AND SHIT, AND ONE OF THEM HIT HER IN THE SHOULDER, SO SHE, UH, GOT DIPPED IN A POOL OF INVULNERABILITY WHILE BEING HELD BY HER SHOULDERS, SO THAT’S LIKE HER ONLY WEAK SPOTS-

…

LOOK, SOMETIMES IT’S UP TO THE FANS TO FILL IN THE BLANKS AS TO WHY THINGS OCCUR IN POPULAR FICTION- THAT’S WHAT MAKES IT FUN!  FOR INSTANCE, REMEMBER IN LOST WHEN YOUNG BEN GOT DIPPED INTO THE POOL?  NOW, THEY NEVER ACTUALLY SAY IT, BUT I THINK THAT LONG, LONG AGO, IN A TIME KNOWN AS “THE BEFORE THEN”, THERE WAS SOMETHING ON THE ISLAND THAT-

I am so not talking about LOST until I get the complete series on Blu-Ray next month.  Hell, I don’t even want to discuss time travel unless it involves a TARDIS or DeLorean.

SPEAKING OF WHICH, MORE PEOPLE NEED TO WATCH DOCTOR WHO!

I agree.

GRATUITIOUS DOCTOR WHO PICTURE ALERT!

OH, I GET IT- THERE’S A GINGER WOMAN IN THIS LATEST SERIES!  NO WONDER YOU LIKE IT!  AND HERE WE THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA BE ALL LIKE NIMBLY WIMBLY BLEH ‘CUZ DAVID TENNANT WAS GONE AND YOU HATE CHANGE IN ESTABLISHED PROPERTIES!

That’s… not the only reason I might have hated this!  I’ll have you know that part of the joy of watching Doctor Who is the new actors that come in to play the Doctor, so nyah nyah.

UH HUH.

Doctor Who also has fun episodes, like when the Doctor met up with Winston Churchill during World War 2!

SOLD!

And the redhead has a Scottish accent that makes me want to headbutt a dog and shout “HEY DOG MAKE HER TALK FOREVER SO THERE CAN BE PEACE IN MY HEART!” right in its face, mauling be damned.

I KNEW THERE WAS A CATCH!

There’s always a catch.

SPEAKING OF TIME TRAVEL, HERE’S A PICTURE OF A KAMEN RIDER THAT GOT TIME TRAVEL COMPLETELY WRONG!

WHAT’S UP WITH YOUR FIXATION ON TIME TRAVEL DURING THIS BOOGITY BOOGITY BOOGITY?

It’s part of the reason why Wonder Woman’s gonna be wearing pants, plus it’s a loose theme for this column.  Pay attention!

I’M TRYING, BUT NOW YOU GOT ME THINKING ABOUT THAT CHICK’S ACCENT, SO I’M GONNA START TRYING TO RUN THROUGH THE WALL IN ORDER TO CALM MYSELF DOWN.

Good luck with that.  Anyway, the big reason for my fixation on time travel is that I need to find a way to have George Romero fight himself.

UH OH.  WHAT DID YOU DO?

After experiencing the cinematic debacle that was “George Romero’s Diary of the Dead”, I made two mistakes:  I was excited for George Romero’s Survival of the Dead, and then I watched the aforementioned movie.

YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT.

I was going to wait for TRORROR to talk about this in true October drunken fashion, but like Jack Burton says… what the hell.

THE TRAILER!

 

HEY MAN, THAT TRAILER LOOKED PRETTY NEAT!

I know!  That was shit-tons more exciting than the movie itself!  The main problem that I have with SURVIVAL OF THE DEAD (oh no, I’ve abandoned quotation marks for all caps! THIS MEANS I’M SERIOUS!) is that it’s… pedestrian.  Granted, I may be unfairly biased- I hated the duck-plucking shit out of DIARY OF THE DEAD, and upon finding out that this was a direct sequel to it I started to hate this one a bit prematurely.  The premise is interesting- soldiers on the run come to a secluded island in the middle of a war between two families.  Toss in some zombies and something resembling the character work in DAWN OF THE DEAD and I’m set… but…

TAKE A BREATH SON, ‘CUZ YOU MIGHT PASS OUT IF YOU START SCREAMING THIS NEXT PART…

THERE IS NO CHARACTER WORK IN THIS FILM. What irritates me the most about SURVIVAL OF THE DEAD is the fact that it’s so goddamned cookie cutter that it makes my teeth hurt.  The premise is the hook, the zombies are the window dressing (as they should be), so it’s up to the characters to make the film engaging and worthwhile.

However!

This movie instantly fails due to how we’re introduced to one of our “heroes”- namely, a female soldier named Tomboy.

I AM ABOUT TO SPOIL THE SHIT OUT OF PART OF THIS MOVIE SO IF YOU DON’T WANT SPOILERS, AVERT THINE EYES!

Tomboy is, allegedly, a highly trained soldier in the middle of a zombie apocalypse.  The dead walk and can arrive at any time, and due to this added, undead threat besides other looters, vandals, and whatever comes to mind that exist outside of the zombies, it makes sense that (while on guard duty) we’re first introduced to Tomboy as she’s busy, to use an actual word in the dictionary, masturbating.

…WHAT?

Our first introduction to a main character in this film is when she’s masturbating on guard duty.

MAYBE TYRONE BIGGUMS CAN SUM UP MY REACTION A BIT BETTER, BECAUSE I STILL CAN’T BELIEVE THIS SHIT WOULD HAPPEN IN A MOVIE THAT I WOULD EITHER TRY TO ENJOY (GRANTED, THIS ISN’T ONE OF THEM SKINFLICKS BASED ON POPULAR MOVIES BECAUSE I CAN TOTALLY SEE THIS HAPPENING IN A SKINFLICK LIKE THAT BUT NOT IN NO “REGULAR” MOVIE) OR TAKE SERIOUSLY… ANYWAY, BACK TO TYRONE:

 

WHAT IS SHE DOING AGAIN?

Flicking the bean, playing catch with the squishmitten by herself, warming up the taco because she’s eating alone, doing something outside on guard duty with someone else around THAT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE IN THE CONTEXT OF THE SITUATION SO WHY IN THE FUCK SHOULD I GIVE TWO HALF A SHITS OR SIX GOOD GODDAMNS ABOUT THIS FLICK WHEN EVEN THE CHARACTERS DON’T GIVE A FUCK UNLESS THEY’RE TRYING TO FUCK THEMSELVES?!

COULD IT BE THAT, NARRATIVELY SPEAKING, IT’S TO SHOW THAT THEY DON’T CONSIDER THE ZOMBIES A THREAT?

That’s completely lazy and grasping at straws… but yeah, I could see that if I really shut off my brain and accepted the fact that, for the purposes of this film, I was being treated as a completely inept viewer and couldn’t form thoughts or conclusions and needed to be spoonfed things in the lowest, stupidest way possible.

AND HEY- SHE’S A LESBIAN, SO IT’S COMPLETELY ACCEPTABLE IN THE CONFINES OF THE FILM.

…explain.

WELL, SHE’S NOT GOING TO SLEEP WITH ANY OF HER FELLOW SOLDIERS, SO IN ORDER TO SHOW HER FRUSTRATION WITH THE WORLD AROUND HER AND THE CIRCUMSTANCES THAT SHE’S IN, SHE’S BUSY GOING TO HELL ON HER OWN TIME!  IT ALSO SHOWS THE DIVIDE BETWEEN HER AND HER FELLOW SOLDIERS, AS SHE’S NOT INTERESTED IN THEM IN A HORIZONTAL WAY, AND IT PROBABLY FRUSTRATES THE SHIT OUT OF THEM.

…

I MEAN, THAT’S WHAT LESBIANS DO, RIGHT? FRUSTRATE GUYS?

 

BLACK RAGE!  BLACK RAGE!  TELL HOOPER X TO STOP SHOOTING THAT GUN!

I’m just saying- you need to be shot for that line of thinking.

HEY, MAYBE YOU SHOULD CALM DOWN AND STOP TAKING THINGS SO SRRRRRIOUSLY!

…what were we talking about again?

HOW MUCH YOU HATE GEORGE A. ROMERO’S SURVIVAL OF THE DEAD!

That’s right!  The movie, in and of itself, almost made me completely disown zombies.  There’s nothing new here save for some stuff that happens during the end, but to sit through ninety-odd minutes for one actual bit of progression in the mythos HURTS.  Every character is dum(b).  There’s a twin subplot introduced because someone fucked up and killed off a main character too early, I bet.  Characters become retarded because page 78 in the script has them doing retarded stuff so page 79 will make sense.  The substitute Hatfields and McCoys are stupid.  Yes, there’s something big that happens that actually moves Romero’s “Dead” universe into an interesting place…  but I’m not willing to sit through another movie full of bullshit for two minutes of actual mythos progression in whatever new installment that might come out in a couple of years, if any.

Things should have stopped at LAND OF THE DEAD, in my opinion… ‘cuz goddamn if the new stuff doesn’t infuriate me.

This film makes me feel like I cloned myself again and my new retarded clone (NOTE:  this iteration of Brick Prior is actually the third to be unleashed to the world, so “Brick Prior” actually gets stupider as Attacked By Gorillas continues… as proven by my (our/its) usage of “stupider and stupider”) decides that he doesn’t want to do any work for ABG (or any kind of work in general), and instead wants to skip to the end and become a screenwriter.  So, one day, as I’m on the couch on my day off trying to figure out content for the site while he’s busy trying to make number two pencils stick into the ceiling of our apartment (it’s not a tiled ceiling like in an office, so it won’t work), he asks:

HEY BRICK NUMBER THREE, I THINK I’M GONNA WRITE A ZOMBIE MOVIE ABOUT WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF NO ONE REALLY CARED ABOUT ZOMBIES AND FOCUS ON SOME FAMILY STUFF!

And I’d probably respond with something to the effect of, “Hey, have you seen FIDO?”, to which I’d hear:

NO, BUT I HEARD THAT THE CHICK FROM THE MATRIX IS IN IT AND IT’S IN THE FIFTIES WHERE ZOMBIES ARE DOMESTICALLY IN SOCIETY OR SOME JUNK AND WHILE I THINK THE CHICK IN THE MATRIX WOULD LOOK ALL SORTS OF CHERRY IN PERIOD FIFTIES CLOTHING, I DON’T THINK THAT’S WHAT I’M THINKING ABOUT HERE!

And while I laugh at the fact that my retarded clone pronounces his “r’s” as “w’s” and sounds like Homestar Runner, he continues on:

SO SAY, FOR INSTANCE, IF WE CONTINUE ON FROM THE ESTABLISHED WORKS FROM GEORGE A. ROMERO’S ZOMBIE UNIVERSE INCLUDING DIARY OF THE DEAD, THEN WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO A SO-CALLED “DIASPORIC” SET OF SOLDIERS DURING THIS APOCALYPTIC TIME?!

And as I wonder why my clone is trying very hard to sound intelligent when there’s no need to do so, he continues:

THESE SOLDIERS END UP FINDING ABOUT A TOWN ON AN ISLAND AND PROCEED TO MAKE THEIR WAY THERE, BUT END UP IN THE MIDDLE OF A FAMILY FEUD!

At this point, I get to say:  “WHAT.”

THEY TAKE THE MATRIARCH OF ONE OF THE FAMILIES BACK, AND HE ARRIVES TO FIND HIS DAUGHTER DEAD!

…

BUT IT TURNS OUT SHE HAD A TWIN, AND SUDDENLY THERE ARE TERMS OF SURRENDER BEING TOSSED ABOUT AND AS WELL AS THE SO-CALLED “OFFENDING” ADMITTING THE FACT THAT SOMEONE ELSE WHO MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE BEEN IN POWER DUE TO WHAT COULD BE LOOSELY INTERPRETED AS NEFARIOUS REASONS WAS TRYING TO DOMESTICATE THE ZOMBIES!

…

AND THEN LOTS OF PEOPLE DIE AND THE ZOMBIES EAT A HORSE WHICH COMPLETELY CHANGES THE LANDSCAPE OF WHAT WE KNOW ABOUT ZOMBIES ON FILM.  OH, AND THE FEUDING FAMILIES STILL SHOOT AT EACH OTHER EVEN WHEN THEY’RE ZOMBIES.  ISN’T THAT A FUN CELLULOID ROMP?!

Fuck you, retarded clone.  George Romero gets strike two.

SO, WHAT ABOUT THIS WHOLE TIME TRAVEL THING?

Well, like I said, I think I’d have George Romero of 2010 fight George Romero of 1968. 

YOUR PREFERRED METHOD OF TIME TRAVEL?

TARDIS.  With a DeLorean inside it.

ANY COMPANIONS?

A Care Bear named “Foul Mouthed Care Bear” that I rescue during the Great Christmas Riots of 1983, because I need something on my time travelling trip that will curse more than I do.

NO REDHEADS?

NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGH (tm Zapp Brannigan), well-

WHAT A TWIST!  I FIGURED WE WERE GOING TO SEE JEAN GREY MAKE YET ANOTHER APPEARANCE IN THE SAGA OF BRICK PRIOR!  SO, YOU, EVIL CARE BEAR, AND WILLOW ROSENBERG-

Ahem.  Dark Willow Rosenberg.

OKAY, WHATEVER, SHE STILL CAN’T FIGH- AHHHHHHHHHH!  HEY, WHAT THE FUCK!  I JUST GOT STRUCK BY LIGHTNING!

Hee.

OKAY OKAY OKAY, SO YOU’VE GOT YOUR TIME TRAVELING TEAM IN YOUR TARDIS, AND YOU GUYS HAVE KIDNAPPED GEORGE ROMERO OF 2010 AND ARE TAKING HIM TO 1968- WHAT HAPPENS?!

First off, it’s 1968, which means I can’t leave the TARDIS.

WHY NOT- WAIT, NEVERMIND.  I FORGOT.

Yeah, to sum it up, it’d be much worse than this:

 

HA!  I LOVE THAT SCENE!  ANYWAY, EVIL WILLOW AND F.M. CARE BEAR TAKE GEORGE ROMERO OF 2010 BACK TO FIGHT GEORGE ROMERO OF 1968- WHAT HAPPENS?

F.M. curses a lot, and Dark Willow gets bored and kills everyone.  The end.

THEN WE’D HAVE NO ZOMBIE MOVIES!

Yeah, but we’d all be a little wiser.

SPEAKING OF WISE- REMEMBER WHEN SOMEONE THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?

OHHHHH SNAP! 

Hey, Grant Morrison wrote “Electric Blue Superman” quite well during his JLA run.  Good things happen when there’s good work involved.

THEMS A LESSON AND WORDS FOR THE FUTURE!

Shut up.

SHOUT OUT TIME!

I’d like to give a big special thanks to Larry for giving me Thursdays off, big ups to Victor for holding it down (as always) and keeping Maine from revolting against the rest of the country, and an extra special “YA’LL IS GREAT” to Kitten Scarrintino, The Ruffian, and the rest of the DDG for putting up with our crazy asses.  And as always, shout outs to Kenzan, Doc, Little T-Bag, Snotty D, Yoko Ono Dos, Trey Trifecta, Snazzy G, Little Shop O’ Shutchamouth, House of Puh, Boots “Never In Your Life” Bootstopherson, Nancy “Hypnocil” Thompson, The Qur’an, The Torah, The Bible, The Jesus, The Genius, The RZA, The GZA, Method Man, Ol’ Dirty Bastard, U-God, Inspectah Deck, Rebel INS, and the GHOST… FACE… KILLA-

YOU’RE NOT A MEMBER OF THE WU-TANG CLAN, SO STOP IT!

My peoples, are you with me- where you at?! In the front?!  In the back?!  KILLER BEES ON ATTACK!

STAN BUSH, TAKE US HOME!

 

Brick Prior notes that whatever happens in Boogity Boogity Boogity stays in Boogity Boogity Boogity.