Boogity Boogity Boogity is an ongoing yet sporadic editorial/rant/column at Attacked by Gorillas in which Brick Prior, his brain, and several other fabricated personalities go one on one with whatever strikes Brick’s fancy.  Enjoy!

 

A NOTE ABOUT ME

Lots of boring life stuff has been going on- job woes, money woes, life woes, woe woe woe woe STOP THE MUSIC. Life needed an Axe Bomber and I gave it just that in a passive fashion.

Screw those few months of oblivion- let’s get back to business!

THERE ARE SPOILERS IN THE NEXT BIT AND AT THE END OF THE COLUMN

I’m SRRRRIOUS.  Beware if you are behind in your X-Men lore.

PREVIOUSLY, ON THAT ZOMBIE KILLING GANG FROM HOBOKEN…

 

So, that’s my theory.  Alternate timelines.

I hate theories.  And alternate timelines. 

  Go on, Zoey.

  So, check it- when Jughead blew up, there were two timelines created out of that one moment.

  I hate LOST.

  Would you like to talk about the zombie apocalypse again, Francis?  Because we sure as shit can talk about all these fucking things trying to kill us, how much ammo we have, whether or not we have to go through yet another fucking sewer to get to another fucking safe room only to get to a goddamn airport and HEY LOOK THERE’S A PLANE OH WAIT IT’S COMING RIGHT FOR US, but don’t worry, ‘cuz it’s right on off to the next adventure in Zombieland, only the rules don’t fucking work.  So, yeah, what do you want to talk about?

  …go on with what you were saying.

  -so, that’s my theory.  Alternate timelines.  Everything’s going to work out just fine.

  …where’s Bill?

 

TOLD YOU THERE WAS A SPOILER

If there’s one thing I’m not, it’s a liar.  If you’re looking for another thing that I’m not… well, I’m not a Nazi.  Sorry, Doctor Von Vutter, I will not help you in raising your zombie army!

BRICK PRIOR, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO?

I goddamn told you that we’re not going to talk about that!  NEXT QUESTION PLEASE.

 HAVE YOU SEEN ANY MOVIES LATELY?

No.

NOT EVEN KICK-ASS?

Not even “Kick-Ass”.  People are digging it, but I can’t motivate myself to go to the theater anymore.  I hate the modern movie-going experience, I hate cell-phones lighting up all throughout the movie, and I’m developing a serious dislike for the human race each and every day.  It’s almost as if that pact I signed with DA DEBIL when I was 11 has come to collect now that I’m thirty.

 WAIT- YOU SIGNED A PACT WITH THE DEVIL?

His name is DA DEBIL, thank you very much, and yes, I did.  You’d be surprised to learn what an eleven year old would to survive do when strange creatures emerge in your backyard due to a demonic sinkhole.

 YOU NEVER TALKED ABOUT THIS.

It’s tragic stuff, and I don’t like talking about tragic stuff.

See, I had this buddy named Louis who used to listen to all this satanic metal and shit, and he had a Ouija board, and one day we summoned some little troll assholes by mistake, and my sister got all freaked out, and a goddamned eye grew in the palm of my hand, so I had to stab it with a piece of broken glass-

THAT’S THE PLOT TO “THE GATE”!  THAT DIDN’T HAPPPEN TO YOU!

ME AND BOBBLEHEADED LITTLE STEPHEN DORFF WERE BEST FRIENDS WHEN I WAS A KID AND YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT IS AND ISN’T REAL!  THIS IS THE INTERNET!  EVERYTHING IS REAL!  EVERYTHING!

MY NAME IS BRICK PRIOR, AND I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING TO TALK ABOUT!

Fuck you, buddy- I got tons to talk about.

SO TALK ABOUT STUFF, MOTHERFUCKER!

Okay!

 SHIT I HATE:

1) Buses.

2) People.

3) Children that don’t have any GOT DAMN SENSE.

4) Animals that don’t have any GOT DAMN SENSE.

5) People that don’t have any GOT DAMN SENSE, which is a completely different thing from hating just “people”.

6) That random day out of the week when I don’t have any GOT DAMN SENSE.

7) The phrase “GOT DAMN SENSE”, since I just ran it into the ground.

RANDOM KAMEN RIDER PIC

AN ATTEMPTED RANT ABOUT A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET

This has been boiling in my head for a while, and as I type this, the “Friday the 13th” remake is playing on my big ass TV.  That particular movie excites (Jason running and being a ruthless asshole, yes please!) and infuriates (discussing the particulars of “perfect nipple placement” during an act of coitus does not count for meaningful character development, Screenwriters of America) me, so what better way to let my dueling neurons and synapses have at it other than focus them on a singular topic?

BEES OH NO

Shut the fuck up, left side of my brain.

TALK ABOUT NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, MAN!

Oh yeah.  So, to begin- no, I haven’t seen the remake.  Knowing me and my habits, I will not see the remake until September or October when it comes out on Blu-Ray so I can watch it in the comfort of my own home while drinking beer and sporadically yelling at various statues of Jean Grey about steak and GPS units that don’t work.

BUT, YOU HAVE A THOUGHT ABOUT THE CONCEPT BEHIND REMAKES IN GENERAL, DON’T YOU?

Yes. 

Yes, I do. 

Here’s the deal: they’re okay.

Here’s why:  they don’t ultimately tarnish what came before.

Here’s how I figured this out:  in my efforts to get hyped up for the “Nightmare on Elm Street” remake, I started watching the Elm Street movies that I liked- namely the original, “Dream Warriors”, and “Wes Craven’s New Nightmare”, and I realized something.

THESE FILMS ARE, BY AND LARGE, A BOWL OF SHIT SOUP.

Ohhh, we’re in agreement about something, brain.  And by “shit soup”, I mean that in the nicest way possible.  Big ups to anyone that’s ever done anything concerning the Elm Street films ever.  I do not besmirch your works, kind sirs and madams.  I am just trying to crappily prove a point.

THIS IS A PIC OF WHAT SENT ME OVER THE EDGE

WHAT’S WRONG WITH THAT PICTURE?! SHE ONLY GOT A SHIRT ON, MAN!  AND SHE’S RUNNING! THAT’S LIKE, SQUISHMITTEN JACKPOT!

Jesus Christ, shut the fuck up, brain. 

WE’RE GONNA NEED YOU TO EXPLAIN YOUR THOUGHT PROCESS SOMETIME THIS CENTURY

Take a look at that picture.  For me, I don’t see terror and dread and suspense, I see a midget with gangly arms dressed up like Freddy and chasing some broad down the street.  It makes me laugh.  It makes me chuckle.  It makes me guffaw.  It takes me completely out the scene.  It also makes me realize that, as a whole, what we like about our favorite properties gets overlooked due to dumb shit like the picture above.  For Star Wars fans- it’s the prequels, for Buffy fans- it’s most of Season 6, for LOST fans- it’s those episodes at the beginning of season 3 with Jack and company on the other island.  It’s the things that we, as fans, merely accept because they’re just small bits of the overall experience that don’t hamper our enjoyment of the things we love .  We’re more than willing to overlook the bad and dumb shit in order to enjoy what we like most about our favorite things.

NOT SO RANDOM KAMEN RIDER PIC

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GETTING AT, AGAIN?

Shut the fuck up, brain.  What I’m saying is this- the reasons why we enjoy things are ours and ours alone; remaking the properties that we love doesn’t diminish the product that we love them in the first place.  Example: I hate “Michael Bay’s Transformers”, but I won’t spew inane amounts of bile over them because I’ve still got the original show to go back to and glean enjoyment from.

“GLEAN” LOOKS LIKE SUCH A DIRTY WORD.  EXAMPLE:  “I WANNA GLEAN THAT CHICK AT WORK SO BAD THAT I FELL DOWN THE STEPS DUE TO EXCITEMENT AND BROKE MY LEG.”

I am this close to sticking a drill into my brain in order to shut you up.

IT BETTER BE A BIG DRILL.  SO, WHAT YOU’RE SAYING IS THAT WE SHOULD JUST ENJOY STUFF FOR THE REASONS THAT WE ENJOY STUFF, AND NOT GET ALL SNIZZLEFITTY WHEN THE THINGS WE LIKE COME BACK AGAIN?

Did you just make up a word?

YES.

Okay.  Just checking.  Anyway, yeah- profanely speaking, it’s okay for shit you like to get remade, reimagined, and completely fucked up because the reasons why you liked the shit in the first place still fucking exist.  No one can take that from you, and no one can dump on your reasons for liking shit.

It’s yours.

Enjoy it.

WOW.  THAT MIGHT BE THE MOST HONEST THING YOU’VE EVER TYPED.

Yeah, I know.

SO HOW DOES THIS TIE ALL BACK INTO THE NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET REMAKE AGAIN?

Uh, that the remake doesn’t matter because fans of Freddy still have the original movies and can enjoy those for what they are and not get all snizzlefitty about a remake?

THAT SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.

Good.

BOBBLEHEADED STEPHEN DORFF ALERT

I HATE RED RINGS OF DEATH

With the emergence of a shitload of games, I’ve been playing my Xbox 360 a lot more- not only have I gone back to some older stuff (Dragon Age, I’m looking at you), but I’m trying to keep up with the newer games.  Since I’m an old man now (I’M THIRTY!), I’ve realized that the “gamer” that I was when I was fourteen would be ashamed to know me.  Granted, such a classification didn’t exist when I was fourteen (I’M ANCIENT ACCORDING TO MODERN SOCIETY), but still- I realize that my skills have diminished and deteriorated in an amazing fashion.

Let’s take Super Street Fighter IV for example.

OH SHIT, HERE WE GO!

I love Street Fighter.  It’s responsible for a good portion of my creative output, and I own way too many six button gamepads and arcade sticks that I have no business owning except for the fact that it’s Street Fighter related.

There’s just one problem.

I can’t play Street Fighter to save my life.

Here’s a hint as to my play style: I like knowing what I’m doing.  I like knowing what I have at my disposal and making it work to the best of my advantage.  I will use special moves, I will wait and bide my time, and I will frown immensely if all my opponent does is spam fierce and roundhouse all the time.  I don’t mind losing, but I hate it when I lose when the other player doesn’t really give a shit.

OKAY, WHAT HAPPENED TO ACTUALLY SPUR THIS ON?

Me, ClintRoper, Doc, and The Robfathah all have Super Street Fighter IV for the 360, so we’re playing for a few hours having a blast and whatnot, when me and Clint decided to play other people.

We got our asses handed to us, which I don’t mind, but it was in the manner of said ass beating that I was at odds with.

SOME FOLKS PLAY STREET FIGHTER ALL THE FUCKING TIME

Holy Christ, holy cow, holy shit.  These people knew what they were doing, and it was the same series of moves and the same shit all the fucking time.  Big problem for me was that I couldn’t adapt, and I realized that I didn’t have the time to work on playing how these guys played, which frustrated the shit out of me because I want to play at that level, but putting the time in to do so is a “not happening” kind of deal.  I realized, in getting whomped on by a Cody player who’d figured out how to use said character to the best of his or her advantage to a T, that I’m not an obsessive “gamer”. 

Hell, I’m not even a “gamer”.

I’m just a guy who plays video games in search of something fun.

Would I like to be at that level of gameplay prowess?  As Robert Evans would say, you bet your sweet ass I would… but it ain’t gonna happen.  Those years and that time are gone, baby.  The only thing I can do now is continue to play these new-fangled games and enjoy myself.

WHERE THE HELL’S YOUR GODDAMNED PRUNE JUICE, YOU OLD FOGEY?!

Up your ass.

STREET FIGHTER PICTURE ALERT

OH, I’M SORRY- THAT WAS A SCRAPPED SONYA BLADE DESIGN FOR SOME MORTAL KOMBAT REBOOT GAME BEFORE MIDWAY WENT TITS UP

You… wanna try that again?

SURE!

WHAT’S WRONG WITH HER THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHS?!

That ain’t muscle, that’s death.

ARE WE DONE?

Yeah, just about.  I want to give a shout-out to Larry, Big Pimpin’ “Maine” Victor K-Nowles, Steeno, T-Dub, Dat Nyucka Hossenfeffer, Little Ray, Jeez, Dap, Dot, Dump, Hey-Hae, Pat-Pat, Drizzle, Goose, Gaddamump, Low Roller, Eighty J, Tom Stumping, Duzz, G, Tamma Roll, Kangol, J-J, Ten Dubbya Fifty, “Money Makin” Mark Warren, Eighty-Five To The C, Yazzaroll, Boots, Doc, KENZAN, Fifty-Three to The Ninety-Two, Banannarama, Sham-WOW~!, Hey Ducks, Big Whoop, Tangerine, Sweet Butter, Drippy Sack, Period Dot Plus Extra, Rice Grain, Ginga Vitis, Lammarammadingdong, and the one and only… DJ Shutterbug Deluxe.

YOU’RE FORGETTING SOMEONE, RIGHT?

Right.

BYE, KURT.  CHILL WITH TONY THE PIMP, WASH, BOOK, AND RENEE IN THE INTERIM.  THEY NEED THE COMPANY.

 

NO, THAT’S NOT JEAN GREY. DON’T GET ME STARTED.

I’m out.

UNTIL NEXT TIME…

 

Brick Prior is a fictional construct that lies a lot.  For more information about Brick Prior including what he is or isn’t up to, follow him at http://www.twitter.com/BrickPrior.