PREVIOUSLY ON MORROR…
Who the fuck cares?! IT’S THE END OF OCTOBER, HOW DO YOU THINK THINGS WILL END UP?!
Time has caught up with us all, and my time is running short. I set the bar way high and… ha, who knew I’d actually move and completely uproot my life as I know it?
So, with a heavy heart (from my perspective, no one else gives a shit about this. Seriously. Take your hand out your pocket and count your fingers and your thumb. Five digits? Subtract that by five. See? Zero. Or possibly a negative number. Anyway, you and no one gives a shit. Thanks for playing!)… you get the short version. I’ve watched all these movies throughout the month, and I really would love to give you guys the true Brick Prior rundown, but life’s a bitch and she just keeps taking my money.
Hold onto your hats, please. We’re going out in style.
DAY NINETEEN: WES CRAVEN’S NEW NIGHTMARE
What a shitty trailer. It completely turns the movie into a pile of shit, which it isn’t. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the last true appearance of Freddy Krueger, the evil bastard, the son of a thousand maniacs. While I am an unapologetic “Freddy vs. Jason” fan (that movie deserves it’s own Brick Prior treatment), this is Freddy Krueger’s final chapter.
Because it’s the last time Wes Craven ever had anything to do with him.
Granted, Craven as a filmmaker is hit or miss (compare “A Nightmare on Elm Street” and “The Pit and the Pendulum” to “Deadly Friend” or “Shocker”, and you got yourself some shit on one hand and some goodness in the other), but with Freddy Krueger, he has hit every single time. From Krueger’s creation in the first film, to Craven’s involvement in the third “Elm Street” film, to this “New Nightmare”, Wes Craven knows what the hell makes ol’ Freddy tick.
In the first movie, you never really saw Krueger until the end. In the third movie, you never knew how the fuck Krueger kept coming back until the end… and in this one? You never see what Freddy Krueger truly is until the end?
So… what is Freddy Krueger, you might be asking?
He’s just a creation.
Just a thing,
Just a prop.
But, what if… oho, what if?
What if something decides to take up that mantle long after Freddy Krueger overstayed his welcome in pop culture?
This movie has the answer.
DAY TWENTY: AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON
This is the second greatest werewolf movie in history. It’s a completely original story as well as a perverted retelling of the original “Wolfman” dealio… which means nothing to anyone that can’t form an opinion for themselves.
The build-up to the ride down to the end of the hill (and oh, what a ride down it is) is masterful- this film (besides The Blues Brothers) is John Landis’ masterpiece.
These days, lots of people would dismiss “An American Werewolf In London” as something resembling some “bama old movie and why ain’t the dude just kill hisself?” kind of movie, but fuck that. This is a movie you can’t miss. What starts out as the ultimate buddy film turns into a movie dealing with isolation, loneliness, and fate. For as beautiful as it is (and yes, once you look past the effects and the gore, it is quite beautiful), this movie is a horrible, horrible statement on what being a “werewolf” would actually mean in the end… “horrible” as in “absolutely perfect”, mind you.
Plus, it has a classic “Brick Prior Says ‘Fuck You’ Musical Choice” at the end, so… yeah.
Now you know how my mind ticks.
DAY TWENTY-ONE: RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD 2
Talk about a sequel that apes the original movie horribly. This film is a pile of pissed on trash- granted, it’s not THAT bad, but compared to the joy that was the original film, this thing is a horrid, horrid retread. Even Thom Matthews and James Karen practically reprising their roles from the first film can’t save this one. While there are some good ideas- namely when the band of heroes throw a bunch of animal brains at the zombie horde to distract them, the sum of the movie’s parts don’t add up well at all.
Bonus points for the hot Eighties redhead that was never in a movie again, though. SHE WAS KILLING IT BACK IN THE DAY, YA HEARD YA HEARD.
DAY TWENTY-TWO: THE BLUE EYES OF THE BROKEN DOLL
Spanish John Belushi rides again! Paul Naschy is fast becoming one of my favorite people to watch on film just due to his sheer output of work; the dude was his own little force of nature back in the day, and this movie is, uh… pretty goddamn crazy. It’s a complete 70’s lothario sleazeball fest, but goddamn if it isn’t fun. Spanish John Belushi finds a place to stay with three sisters, but wouldn’t ya know it, everyone’s all sorts of fucked up and there’s a lot of “killin’” going on. Son of a son of a bitch, to say the least.
DAY TWENTY-THREE: EXORCISM
THERE IS NO TRAILER FOR THIS!
Naschy ends up as a priest and is the honest-to-God good guy in this one, as he actually survives the film! He’s the Spanish Chow Yun-Fat, pretty much- he usually beefs it and checks out in a saddening fashion in most of his films, so it was refreshing that he survived this tale of a Spanish exorcism. Well, uh… it was performed in Spanish. The film took place somewhere… else.
FINAL ATTACK: RUN AWAY!
DAY TWENTY-FOUR: FEAST
This film made me a Jenny Wade fan due to the sole fact that she plays the role of the SMARTEST CHARACTER IN A HORROR MOVIE EVER. Damn the sequels, when Honey Pie leaves in this one, she LEAVES and it is awesome.
What’s the plot of “Feast”, you ask?
Mutant cat creatures attack a bar, kill Jason Mewes and almost everyone in it, and hump a chick’s face in the process.
Oh, and the hat-wearing dude from “30 Rock” is in the flick.
YES I KNOW HIS NAME IS JUDAH FRIELANDER SO SHUT UP THE FACE.
Normally, I would have hit all three “Feast” movies in one day, but… uh… this is the best one. Part 2 has Cockroach from “The Cosby Show” and a midget Mexican wrestler. My DVD for part three never showed up in the mail. Just like Troma’s “Mothers’ Day”, goddamnit.
ALL HAIL HONEY PIE.
DAY TWENTY-FIVE: SCREAM 3
SURPRISE! This is like a birthday present to myself. With “Scream 4” on the horizon, I thought it was time to revisit THE horror franchise of my high school years. There was a lot of hype for “Scream” and its sequels when they came out, and with this last one, shit flew through the roof. Granted, during this time period I’d lost my mind for the first time, so I was more than glad to see Jenny McCarthy killed on screen. Sadly, Chris Hardwick suffered the same fate in “House of 1000 Corpses”, but he turned out a-okay (WATCH WEB SOUP! WEB SOUP IS AWESOME!). Jenny McCarthy hit a patch of awesomeness in later years when she dyed her hair black, but that’s only because it was striking and different. I just made a “Singled Out” reference, and I wonder who got it. Send your mail to the AbG mailbag! You better like Captain Lou Albano, though!
How was Jenny McCarthy stunt casting for this one? And where’d this Jay and Silent Bob cameo come from? DIMENSION?! MIRAMAX?! AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGH!
Old school Neve Campbell “negotiating for a couple of million in order to do this film” was awesome. I haven’t seen her for a while.
I’d like her back, please.
She was very cute.
END OF PART ONE OF THE END!