Posted on October 28th, 2009 in Brick Prior, MORROR, Movies by Brick Prior

PREVIOUSLY ON MORROR…

Dog Soldiers!  Brick is back!  He’s leaving everyone hanging with the previously established narrative!  Amazing!  What’s next?!

Yo yo yo yo yo yo!

Yo!

Yo!

You know what time it is!

ZOMBIES!

TODAY’S FILM: ZOMBIE

 

This movie has one hell of a storied history- number one, it’s Italian, and number two, it’s the European unofficial sequel to George Romero’s “Dawn of the Dead”.  History lesson time!  “Dawn of the Dead” was called “Zombie” across the pond and was so damn popular overseas that folks demanded a sequel, so Lucio Fulci took it upon himself to direct “Zombie 2”, which is what we AMMRRRRICANS call “Zombie”.

Confused?  You shouldn’t be, because if you got confused by that, that this whole month has probably confused the shit out of you… aaaaaand you probably don’t know who Captain Lou Albano is, so you should probably RUN RIGHT THE FUCK AWAY because Sasha Kenzan is frothing at the mouth right now.

Any how/who/what/why, the movie goes like this: there is a zombie on a boat that kills a police officer- but that’s ignored, as the boat belongs to some broad’s brother, so she goes SLEUTHING to try and find the island that he was doing research on- I don’t know exactly what happened because it was late when I watched this (and it is now early while I type this, so NA NA NA NANANANA THUNDESTRUCK), but needless to say, our heroes need passage to an island, and do so by finding a low rent skipper and his erstwhile, skin-diving lady partner.

TIME OUT.

Some of our more… “eager” readers are probably wondering why I never mention a thing called “titty” and how many “titties” there are in a horror film, and the fact of the matter is that I don’t particularly care because I’m watching a horror movie and not looking out for boobs.  Plus, there are also instances like this, where the dumb broad decides to go skindiving for no fucking reason and ends up being witness to a ZOMBIE VERSUS SHARK fight.

Yep, I said it.

ZOMBIE.  VERSUS.  SHARK.

TIME IN.

It is a stalemate, as the zombie chomps on the shark and the shark rips the zombie’s arm, but the fact remains that NO ONE IS SAFE.  Eventually, the dumb bastards make it to the island, find out that it’s overrun, and proceed to take a breather in a local graveyard.

Normally, this would be a smart thing since physics or some such tells us that the hardest thing to do would be for a reanimated corpse to come barreling out of the ground, but since this is a horror movie, OOPS POW SURPRISE all the dead bodies were buried in 2.6 feet of soil, so they all come up, kill the skindiving girl, Bob’s your uncle, here’s the finale.

The finale involves lots of molotov cocktails (someone took a trip to the future and started playing Left 4 Dead, I see) and some awesome stupidity on everyone’s part, as due to the fact that everyone’s Italian, no one’s realized that you have to SHOOT ZOMBIES IN THE HEAD!  There’s a bunch of wasted bullets and a lot of open mouthed gaping as zombies start chowing down on folks, but hey- these people are fucking stupid and deserve to die, so pffffffbt.  Even the Skin-Diving Dumbass comes back and bites her boyfriend, which sets up the ULTRA STUPIDITY of the end, as the two surviving fools keep that bitten asshole locked up on a boat as they head back to NEW YARK, only to find out that the city’s been overrun by zombies.

Uh, whoops.

YOU ALL DEAD.

Watch it for the finale, skip the stupidity.

As for me, I need some alien slugs that possess people to fix this mess.

END OF DAY SEVENTEEN!