Posted on October 22nd, 2009 in Brick Prior, MORROR, Movies by Brick Prior

PREVIOUSLY ON MORROR…

The original “My Bloody Valentine” was on deck, as Brick Prior’s return is apparently eminent.  But when?

Now, bitches. 

“!!!”, you say- I say that Chk Chk Chk is a cool name for a band, yes. 

What about the ongoing story with me and a house and zombies and the fucking Merchant and HEY THERE WAS A LEFT 4 DEAD CAMEO WOW?

Later- now, we have a movie to watch!

TODAY’S FILM: THE FOREST

 

Hot damn, this movie fucking sucked.  It takes a lot to make a movie completely suck, but “The Forest” succeeds in more ways than one; first off, the premise: we have a cannibal out in the woods who is haunted by his dead family.  Yes, you read that correctly- there are ghosts in my cannibal film and I do not like it, no sir, not one bit.

Plus!

Due to all the “technologically advanced” special effects work (as seen in the trailer), not to mention the progressive-for-it’s-time-in-your-face synthesized soundtrack, this movie has been overdubbed more times than Jesus’s tortured screams in “The Passion of the Christ”.

So, what exactly is the plot?

Well, all things considered, this is your standard “cannibal in the woods” movie… only if the cannibal was played by the disfigured portly fuckbaby spawned from one hellish debauchery filled night between Burt Reynolds, James “BROLIN.” Brolin, Charo, and a rare, hairless ape imported from the far off lands of Sumatra… and that’s BEFORE Burt found a bottle of beer and somehow convinced the ape to drink it “manchilada” style.

Anyway, this dude is hacking people up and turning them into jerky deep in the woods of… somewhere, while his dead family is haunting him the whole while.  You see, this asshole found out his wife was fucking everyone in the state of The State That This Movie Takes Place, so he choked her and split her skull open on the bedside table before taking out her latest conquest with a dull sawblade.  HIs kids saw this and flipped right out and killed themselves… so now this asshole is living in the woods, hungry as fuck, and hearing shit from his dead family.  Needless to say, when a couple of STUPID ASS PEOPLE decide to go camping out in those woods, they get what’s coming to them… but only until the dead children intervene to help save the day!  Basically, the kids are just hanging around waiting to go to Purgatory, but the only problem is that the goddamn Purgatory plane won’t take off because Black Michael Jackson is holding shit up talking about “No, no, I don’t have vitiligo, that’s ignorant”, but everyone’s like, “You got twenty years to turn shit around, Black Michael Jackson- just let your black side die and move on!”… and we all know how that turned out, right?

“Highlights” of this film are random people deciding to camp out in the woods because they suddenly feel like camping is something anyone can do at anytime.  These people pack themselves into a car and THAT IS IT.  Once one of the chicks dies, it’s up to the dudes (armed with backpacks full of STUFF) to save the day!  SPOILER- one gets killed and the other breaks his leg due to some horrible overdubbed screams.  There is a knife vs. stick fight, but the bicycle vs. rake fight topped it earlier in the film.  Cannibalistic fuckbaby dies, the kids go to purgatory, Dead Mommy is still wandering the earth, and Jesus wants none of those assholes for a sunbeam.

SKIP THIS MOVIE!

Aren’t you glad I’m back?

END OF DAY FOURTEEN!