Posted on October 18th, 2009 in Brick Prior, MORROR, Movies by Brick Prior

PREVIOUSLY ON MORROR…

The Editor ranted about the original “The HIlls Have Eyes”! But the question remains: where is Brick Prior?

I reign supreme because I am The Editor.  I am all knowing, all powerful, and always giving a shit about what it is that I do.

What is it that I do, you ask?  I hijack things- specifically, Brick Prior’s brain.  Time and space and converged into a blackhole of BACKLOG, as the universe and the dark gods have teamed up to hit Brick Prior with a fireball of DESTRUCITY~! the likes of which the world has never seen.

No, I too do not know what that means, but since I am the Editor, I can use my brainsmarts to come up with a reasonable meaning as to what all that bullshit meant.

Brick Prior will be back soon.

There.  I said it.

TODAY’S FILM: MY BLOODY VALENTINE (1980)

 

What is it with people in horror movies doing stupid shit?  For example, if you want to (to be blunt) make the sex with a lady, why take her to a mineshaft to hump?  Wouldn’t a bed (with clean sheets, of course) suffice?  MINESHAFT + HEAT + GRINDING + FLUIDS + DAMP PARTS = VERY UNCOMFORTABLE AND POSSIBLY TRAUMATIC EXPERENCE… especially when there’s a guy with a pickaxe killing the shit out of people.

Legend has it that in the town of Eighties Stupidity, a mineshaft had an accident where there was a fire and an explosion.  No one survived except for Harry Warden, and when they found him, he was busy munching on the body parts of the other deceased miners.

See, that’s where this movie goes wrong.  I hate to say it, but you don’t try and rehabilitate cannibalistic tendencies- since I am The Editor, I know these things.

Let me explain.

If a person decides to eat someone in a non-sexual manner (har har har), then according to the laws of the Universe, That Ain’t Right.  So, Edwards comes back a year later with a gas mask and a pickaxe and proceeds to kill the supervisors responsible.  He then disappears into the night, as the film fast forwards TWENTY YEARS and the town’s ready to celebrate Valentine’s Day once again… and that’s when the murders start all over.  People are pickaxed, dead bodies are found in dryers, kids are busy drinking beer and going through OH MY GOD EMOTIONAL TROUBLES DUE TO WOMEN.  The big subplot is between Douchers A and B, who are in love with a Generic Horror Woman who is busy not making any real decisions about who she’s going to shack up with, so these two assholes gnash their teeth and hate each other throughout the whole run time of the film.  Due to all the “killin’”, the dance is canceled, but that doesn’t deter all the stupid people in town as they throw a party anyway.

Naturally, they all start getting dispatched very quickly, whether it’s by getting their face boiled off in a pot of cooking hot dogs (WHAT!?), being attacked by falling clothes and getting gutted by a sprinkler system (HUH?!) or getting tossed off a very tall ladder to the floor of a mineshaft (OUCH!).  The kills are quite creative, the tension never lets up, and holy shit- the killer survives!

Until the seque- wait, there was no sequel.

Remake?

…yep, definitely a remake… IN 3-D NO LESS!

…wahoo?

END OF DAY THIRTEEN!