Posted on October 17th, 2009 in Uncategorized by Brick Prior

PREVIOUSLY ON MORROR…

The Editor stepped in and talked about “The Stepfather”!  Brick Prior’s story might just be on hiatus!  What will happen next?!

Editor here.  Do you really want to know what happened with Brick Prior and his quest for a place to live?  I don’t.

TODAY’S FILM:  LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT (1972)

 

So, the question is: why was this film remade?  If Brick Prior were here, he’d probably babble on about “originality” and something about “goddamnit”, but since I’m in charge, that ain’t happening.  I do know one thing:  since this film was remade, hopefully they did a good job of updating the opening conversation that introduces us to our “likable” main characters.

What’s the conversation about, you ask?

NIPPLES.

More specifically, a father chastising his daughter about being able to see her nipples through her shirt.  This turns into a five minute debate complete with the daughter groping herself in order to make a point.

Now, I don’t have any kids that I know of, and Brick Prior doesn’t have any kids that he knows of, but if Brick Prior WERE available right now, he’d probably say something to the effect of “Now, that’s just something you don’t talk about- you don’t talk about being able to see your daughter’s nipples- you don’t gesture, you don’t motion, you don’t Porno Leer And Drool, you calmly (gotta keep up appearances here) turn to your wife and say, “Hey, uh-“ and do six head nods, cough, and then hit the fridge for a tasty beverage.  Yes, you possibly say, “HEY, WHERE THE FUCK’S YOUR BRA?! YOU BETTER NOT GO OUT THE HOUSE WITH THAT DAMN SHIT LIKE THAT!”, but that’s only if you want a couple of years of mental torment and anguish, because what you’ll be creating due to that course of action is a mascara smeared, racoon-eyed Cutter, and the world doesn’t need any more of those.  Besides, do you really want to buy your daughter a bunch of Cure albums?   Hook her up with some Weezer, make her happy, but whatever you do, DON’T LET HER GET PREGNANT UNTIL SHE MOVES OUT.”

The Seventies were odd, man. 

Being a product of a product of the Eighties, I cannot relate.  Brick Prior would say that he thought this was going to turn into one of those “artsy, bloody pornos”, but since he’s not here right now, you’ll just have to make believe that he said that.  The nipple talk ends and Mari heads out with her friend to traipse in the forest and drink booze.  That’s a perfectly acceptable activity, by the way- nothing says “hanging out and waiting to get killed” like SITTING AROUND IN THE FOREST AND DRINKING BOOZE.

We’re introduced to Our Killers as they all sit around the house, smoke, and generally be weird- again, this is the Seventies, so being weird is the status quo.  There’s no real attempt to humanize these folks- they’re weird for the sake of being weird, so when the girls come around trying to score some dope, it’s no surprise that they kidnap them, take them out to the woods, torture and rape them, and then brutally kill them.

Or so we think.

One survives, you see… and as the killers try to hole up for the night, they end up at Mari’s house, and proceed to eat their food and be general assholes. 

But the parents in question are onto our killers, and after they find Mari out in the woods post-rape/torture, it’s killing time!

Chainsaws and knives are broken out, and our killers die horribly.

Do you blame the parents?

I sure as hell don’t… and if Brick Prior were here (he is currently MIA, remember that), he would agree.

So again, the question is… why did The Movie Making Powers That Be remake this, and what could it possibly bring to the table that is new?

I think we will find out later this month.

END OF DAY TWELVE!