Posted on October 7th, 2009 in Uncategorized by Brick Prior


Rick Prior made a half-hearted attempt to review Idle Hands, but a Tank showed up…


It has been pure anarchy this past week in the quaint, idyllic region of Maryland known as THE HOOD, where the residence of Brick Prior, noted internet legend, superhero, and activist against capri pants, has been assaulted by several reports of what can only be described as “the living dead”, and Mr. Prior himself has gone missing.  When asked to comment, his brother Rick Prior had the following to say:

Normally, I would have more to say about my shithead brother or the fact that he is tripping his balls off right now due to my interference, but there is a big ass, steroid-infested zombie motherfucker trying to kill me right now.  Leave me be, and call the National God Damned Guard to take care of this shit.  This dude smells like drippy assholes and bacon. I hate October!”

When pressed for comment, Doctor Detroit X gave his thoughts:

Brick Prior is one of my oldest friends- and by ‘oldest’, I really mean that he is seventy-two.  He has the opposite of that Benjamin Button disease.  He is also probably either drunk or asleep, so we all shouldn’t be too worried.”

Axel Night, one of Prior’s colleagues, took a different approach:

“All I’m saying is this- I PICKED A SONG LAST WEEK, SO WHO CARES ABOUT THAT GUY?! He’ll be back eventually just like me!”

Due to the fact that this is The News, we know that the pick for Day Six was to be Slither.  Since we are The News, we have obtained a trailer:

The News is shocked at this pick- Slither bombed at the box office, so why would it be included in this celebration of MORROR?  Sasha Kenzan had this to say:

I don’t like horror movies.  They are not my cup of tea, nor my can of Arizona Arnold Palmer.  Would you like to discuss the Great Fiddle Crisis of 1941?”

The News went to other sources to try and come to an understanding as to the reasoning behind this particular choice.  We first caught up with Gregory Matheson, Prior’s high school English teacher.

He can’t FUCKING SPELL, so watching the damn movies and coming into my damn class with his fucking “Austin 3:16” t-shirts and his goddamn “The Rock” football jerseys  made sense and did I mention that I have cockspitting Tourrette’s?”

No, Matheson did not tell us that, but since we are The News, we knew that already.  But what do we know about Slither? The News was able to uncover this facts- the film is a throwback to the ‘body horror’ subgenre of horror movies- it is a film full of odd fluids, slimy creatures, and wonderful performances.  The News knows that if Mr. Brick Prior had the vocabulary to do so, he would describe it as “a real underrated gem of a movie”.

Since we are The News, we know this is why Brick Prior doesn’t have a decent writing job, hence his work at Applebee’s.

But what would Brick Prior, were he here and/or conscious, say about the performances?

Michael Rooker is awesome,” he would probably say.  “By the end, you’re rooting for him even though he’s taken over an entire town.”

He would then waffle a bit, possibly complaining about the “Saw” franchise before continuing.

“Nathan Fillion rocks as always- ‘05 and ‘06 were awesome genre years from him with both Serenity and Slither, and it’s a damn shame that this didn’t find any sort of audience when it came out.”

Mr. Prior would probably take an opportunity to complain about something- perhaps this time a certain scene or monologue.

This movie is responsible for a lot of my favorite jokes- ‘Hey, I got something to tell you?’ followed by ‘What?’ followed by ‘fuck you, fatass’, is a classic and should be used by every living American today.”

Or he could just say that.

But the question is: what will he say about Day Seven?