Posted on October 1st, 2009 in Brick Prior, MORROR, Movies by Brick Prior

Greetings.

It must be October.

Since you’re joining us on this brand new adventure into Brick Prior’s World of Horror, here are a couple of rules for the month.

NUMBER ONE

Don’t expect a cavalcade of pictures!  I’m taking a ‘yearbook’ approach to pictures this time out… which means that you will have to wait and see who makes the MORROR Class of ‘09.  Bobby Rhodes is a lock, though.

NUMBER TWO

Don’t expect to know what the movie is on a particular day!  Sure, you might know that I am taking a look at all “three” Demons movies today, but did you know that there was another movie bopping around the filmverse calling itself “Demons 3”?  That’s right- four movies in one day!  Who knows what the hell is going to happen for the rest of the month! I obviously have a problem and have sworn off sleep for this month!

NUMBER THREE

I might disappear in the middle of the month because I’m moving!  That’s right- I’m packing my shit up and moving out of THE HOOD and right into Yuppietown, MD… which, unfortunately, just so happens to be right next to Klan Kountry.  Don’t worry, though- I will invade coffee shops and use someone else’s internet to get you the goods because I care that damned much.

Needless to say, this is my life ending one movie at a time.

Welcome to A Horror A Day 2: More Horror.

Us folks around here call it… MORROR.

LET’S FIND THE EMERGENCY EXITS!

OUR FIRST STOP:  DEMONS

 

 

BRICK SAYS:  This is the film that started it all… and by all, I mean my obsession with horror movies.  Sure, Evil Dead 2 had a good hand in turning me into a celluloid degenerate, but this one pushed me over the edge.  Why?  ‘Cuz it’s Italian, that’s why!  Check out that horrid dubbing!  Wowsers, that’s bad- and part of the fun! 

YOU SAY:  “What’s it about?”

BRICK SAYS:  I was getting to that!  It’s been a long day, so bear with me.  Here’s the shiz- two girls get free passes to a brand new theater in town called the Metropol.  Everyone’s been invited to this grand opening- horny teenagers, blind people and their slutty daughters, a pimp and his hoes… it is truly a cross section of every single character stereotype in the history of history.  The theater’s got some pretty odd decor- the kicker being a demon masked mannequin on a motorcycle holding a katana.

FORESHADOWING.

So, one of the hoes decides to put the mask on and cuts herself.  UH OH I WONDER WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN IN ABOUT FIFTEEN MINUTES?!  Everyone sits down to watch the film, and we’re treated to a nice little movie within a movie about four kids trying to find some lost artifact of Nostradamus because when you’re bored, that’s the first thing you do: fuck around in the spooky dark looking for old books and shit.    So, they find it and find out that whoever finds the book will become a demon, and BINGO! The slaughter begins on film as one of the hoes runs to the bathroom and watches in horror as the cut on her face explodes, spewing pus everywhere.

Pretty.

The other ho goes to check on the pus-y ho, and finds out that she’s been turned into a demon!  She goes on a rampage, ripping her friend’s throat out and scurrying off into the… bowels of the theater to terrorize other people, such as a couple making out for instance.

See where all that PDA gets you?  GET A ROOM.

So, the Sans Throat Ho bursts through the screen and is all a ’wailing and whatnot, and “WILL YOU GET OUT OF THE WAY- HOLY SHIT, SHE’S A FRIEND OF MINE!” is let loose upon the earth, followed by a “HOLY SHIT!” because Sans Throat is turning into a demon herself, complete with claws and the forceful loss of teeth via new fangs, and wouldn’t you know it, but it’s rampage time!

And here comes the quickest recap in the history of recaps!

People die, they find out a goddamn computer is running the show, people rip up the seats to start a barricade, the demons break in anyway, more people die, we get a goofy dude riding a motorcycle killing demons with a katana, and then there’s a Resident Evil moment as, for no reason, a fucking helicopter falls through the ceiling.  This leads to some expert rappelling out the theater or some such, followed  by a Random Boss Fight, and wouldn’t ya know it, but the WHOLE GODDAMN CITY HAS BEEN OVERRRUN BY DEMONS!

Our heroes seem to find sanctuary with another family that is on the movie, but the heroine gets shot to death after turning into a demon.

OH WELL!  THE END!

YOU SAY:  “But what about Bobby Rhodes?”

BRICK SAYS:  Shut up, fool!  Words can do him no justice, so here you go!

 

 

YOU SAY:  “Hey, wait- Demons 2?!  They made a sequel?!”

BRICK SAYS:  Yeah, well… about that… GREEN LIGHT!

OUR SECOND STOP: DEMONS 2

 

BRICK SAYS:  For Demons 2, we are in THE FUTURE OF 1987, where everyone lives in awesome apartments the size of skyscrapers.  On this particular night, it’s time for a celebration as it’s Sally’s 16th birthday party, all of her friends are invited… but all she wants to do is watch the documentary about DEMONS on TV.  It seems that these intrepid folks took cameras into the “forbidden zone” (which is hinted at being the site of the first movie) to document their finds… uh, whoops.  Big mistake.

YOU SAY:  “You mean the first movie really happened?!”

BRICK SAYS:  Yes!  No! Kinda!  I don’t fucking know- It’s Italian!

YOU SAY: …

BRICK SAYS:  Anyway, Sally’s all engrossed in this shit and whatnot, some dude in the documentary bleeds on a demon’s remains, and PRESTO CHANGE-O, it’s killing time!  Sally’s into the bloodshed, when the demon decides to look DI-RECTLY into the camera, and says “HEY HEY HEY, WHAT’S HAPPENING!” as he jumps through the TV and into the real world and turns Sally into a demon lickety split.

YOU SAY:  “Yeah buddy!”

BRICK SAYS:  You’re getting too into this.  Sally’s dragged out to the party by her friends, where she promptly gets all veiny, grows claws, and proceeds to slash, maim, and kill everything in sight, including the birthday cake.  Naturally, everyone that gets slaughtered turns, which leads us to what’s going on downstairs, as everyone is busy lifting weights.

SRRRRRIOUSLY.

Meet Hank, Tony the Pimp’s twin.  Hank lifts weights a lot.  He hangs around other people that also lift weights.  This is an odd character quirk that does not come into play, as all the bodybuilders are attacked by DEMONS.  HOLY SHIT, THEY’RE NOT FRIENDS OF YOURS!

Pretty soon, everyone in the history of history is split up inside this apartment complex of the future, which is never good since there are DEMONS running around killing everyone.  Most folks are gathered in the parking garage, crashing cars and shit in order to make barricades because that’s the smart thing to do.

Yeah, right.

UPSTAIRS!

A man tries to get back to his pregnant girlfriend, while a toddler turns into a fucking flipper demon baby and attacks his babysitter.

Why do I call him a “fucking flipper demon baby”?

Well, number one, the use of profanity is my specialty.  Number two, he’s a “flipper demon baby” because he’s a baby, and he makes a high pitched screech like Flipper… so there you go.

Needless to say, people start dying a lot.  It’s so grim that Hank dies by getting his balls ripped off- talk about fucking depressing.  This is two movies in a row where Bobby Rhodes goes out in the worst ways imaginable.  Give folks a fucking break, why don’t ya?!  Anyway, how in the world are these people gonna get out of this!

BY GOING TO THE MUTHAFUCKING TV STATION, OF COURSE!

Preggos and Her Man hit the TV station, but DRRRRTY DEMON SALLY is chasing them like no other.  Holy shit!  Hit that broad with a camera!  Don’t you goddamn point it at her- wait!  There’s a bunch of shit about fractals and time and space looping back and forth and whatnot- I don’t know, but Sally’s dead and Preggos and Her Man walk off into the sunset.

What the fuck was that?

YOU SAY:  “And there’s a third movie?”

BRICK SAYS:  Kinda.  See, there never really was an official third movie- the closest we got was when Michele Soavi (the director of Cemetery Man) almost directed DEMONS 3, but it ended up being something else….

OUR THIRD STOP:  THE CHURCH

 

BRICK SAYS:  Holy shit, it’s a bunch of Templar Knights!  They’re traipsing around the forest on a demon killing spree, and they end up slaughtering a whole town!  They’ve gotta salt the earth lest the DEMONS invade the land, so they throw a giant cross on the whole mess and call it a day.

Cut!

To!

The!

Future!

Where wouldn’t you by God son-of-a-bitchin’ know it, there is a CHURCH on top of all those demon corpses!  What the fuck, Serpico, this is a goddamn bad idea!  We end up meeting some librarian and some painter broad- since this is me, I don’t recap anything well for shit.  So, he’s all agog (new word!) over all of his potential findings and research and whatnot, which leads to them hooking up- of course, he high tails it out of there to head back to the church to do some more research, and by golly gee, he gets possessed!

Possession in this one is a different beast, as it seems to be more of a manipulative force rather than a full blown transformation- a lot of shit in this movie is hallucinatory- mainly the fact that the Librarian pauses to rip his own heart out while he’s on the phone with his lady love.  Did he really rip his heart out?  Hell no, because he tries to rape an underage Asia Argento two scenes later- but it’s the images that matter, right?

Don’t answer that.

So, eventually, half the town gets locked up in this church with no way out, and it’s up to a black non-brass knuckled priest to save the day.  How the hell is he gonna pull this off when he’s not Bobby Rhodes?!  NO IDEA!  Everyone starts going crazy, some dude imagines that a mutant piranha tries to bite his head off, and the painter broad gets fucked by Satan.

Not joking.

So, the priest ends up finding out that he’s the only guy that can stop things, and he causes the whole church to collapse. 

Cut!

To!

Asia Argento as she UNLEASHES THE DEMONS AGAIN OR SOME SUCH BECAUSE THE ENDING IS VAGUE.

One day in and we have our first “fuck this movie”, so here it is:  fuck this movie.

Huttah.

YOU SAY:  “Wow!  And there was another movie after this!”

BRICK SAYS:  Kinda sorta.  It’s directed by Lamberto Bava, and the case says “DEMONS III”, but a “Demons” movie it ain’t…

OUR FOURTH STOP:  THE OGRE

 

BRICK SAYS:  Hoo boy, one day in and we have our first “haunted house” movie!  What’s the deal with this one, you ask?  Weeeeeeell, it starts off with a little girl waking up from a nightmare, venturing around the house she lives in, and getting attacked by an ogre, which is definitely not a DEMON, so this is going to be pretty damn boring.  Fast forward to uh, something else, as Cheryl and her family are moving into your typical gothic villa in the middle of nowhere.  Cheryl’s a writer, so she’s using this opportune time to finish up one of her latest works… but then she starts having all these odd dreams about the OGRE.  Say, wouldn’t ya know it, but Cheryl’s been harassed by this ogre before- in fact, she’s the little girl from the beginning of the movie! 

YOU SAY:  “Uh, how is that possible?”

BRICK SAYS:  Because she finds her childhood teddy bear on the floor of the basement, that’s how!  That’s all the proof we need!  This one becomes a complete by-the-numbers affair, as no one believes Cheryl that her childhood ogre buddy is coming to mess with her some more, there’s lots of dream sequences that make no sense (including one where Cheryl goes swimming in a pool of green water and gets attacked by desiccated skeletons all because she SAW A MISSING PAGE OF HERS IN THE WATER), and the finale involves Cheryl’s son Bob (BWAHAHAHA NOT ANOTHER BOB) getting attacked by the OGRE, which causes Cheryl to end up running it over with her truck.  The OGRE disappears, everyone lives, and that is the end of that.

Wow. 

Two stinkers in a row.

Did not see that coming.

If I didn’t know any better, then I’d say I completely set myself up for that.

Next up, I-

YOU SAY:  “I think something just exploded!”

BRICK SAYS:  Hey, uh… what the fuck was that?

ITHIYAK SAYS:  Akey’bana tath!  I return after long absence!  Master, helicopter fall from sky on front yard!

BRICK SAYS:  WHAT!

ITHIYAK SAYS:  I open door, I find out!

BRICK SAYS:  Okay, but if you get torn to pieces, then I’m not gonna-

ITHIYAK SAYS:  MASTER, WE HAVE GUESTS! 

BRICK SAYS:  …oh hell no.

 

crashcourse

BRICK SAYS:  I.  HATE.  MY.  BRAIN.

ITHIYAK SAYS:  It like you summon helicopter from void!

 

d-bill SAYS:  What’s this about movies?

d-francis SAYS:  I hate movies.

d-louis SAYS:  You hate everything.

d-zoey SAYS:  Sooooo… uhhhhhh…

 

BRICK SAYS:  MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP!

YOU SAY:  “…this is going to be cool.”

 

END OF DAY ONE!