Football is a sport, says John Madden.  I say it is the most awesome thing ever besides beer.  Together, they’re an unstoppable combination- this would make football season the greatest time of the year besides Halloween and St. Patrick’s Day.

This season, however, I’m trying something new- a running dialogue between me, myself, I, and you (The Mysterious Reader).  Over the next five months, I’ll be all about pigskin: weekly games, Madden NFL 10 woes, fantasy football bullshit, idiotic players, and one of my favorite things in the whole world: watching football with three of the greatest men I know.  Often spoken of in hushed, revered tones, these men have made my Sundays during football season into the stuff of legend… even when all we do is talk about a bunch of nonsense.

The Gang In Question

First up, Old Man Brick- he’s a Cowboys fan that takes no shit.  He also raised me, which is awesome.  He’s a former high school ironman quarterback that did all of the team’s play calling, and gets props for playing on a broken leg once.  Granted, you can only do that once, but still- tough as nails.  Don’t try to talk shit to him about the Cowboys, because he will, very quietly, shut you down while calmly explaining that yes, Tony Romo might not be as great as everyone thinks he is.  A Cowboys fan with logic?!  WHAT PLANET IS THIS?!?

Next up, The Don.  Why is the The Don?  Because he’s my godfather, duh.  No one knows what The Don will say, but when he starts talking, everyone else starts laughing.  If he was ever on television, there would have to be a fifty-two second delay.  The Don’s got a lot of coaching experience in THA HOOD’s school system, and speaks fondly of such times when he “hit that muthafucka right in his back and ran him all the way up the stands.  We had to get the fuck outta there because they were waiting for us after the game, and they started throwing rocks at the bus and shit.”  Other odd tales involve him and Old Man Brick challenging kids twenty years younger than them to a pickup football game while carting around a keg of beer on a handtruck (the kids did not take up the challenge), ripping his own tooth out after a game in disgust, and complaining about “those stupid badass kids”.  The Don roots for both the Redskins and the Eagles, and will split the two games they play each year.  That’s honorable!

After The Don comes a man that is truly legendary:  Willis. I have referred to him many times in the past, but for these pieces, he is Willis.  He is a man that… well, here’s two examples:

On “The Mach 3” razor- “Say wait, that got three razors?  Hey, hold up Bricks, how you don’t cut your face?!”

On a Redskins/Cowboys game at Texas Stadium- “Oh yeah, y’all in it now!  Y’all in the Coliseum!  That’s like Rome, with the lions and the tigers!”

On cheerleaders- “Bricks! Say, buddy, we got to make some money off those women!  Those pretty women and they don’t even show ‘em- they dressed up nice, you know they ain’t showing any titty or nothing so it’s not like they nekkid!  If those boys made a channel all about the women, we could get some money!  You work on that and let me know.”

He adds ‘s’ to my name constantly.  Needless to say, he’s a Cowboys fan that sleeps through most of the games yet somehow manages to talks shit about the Redskins from 12:55 to 7:42 every Sunday.  He also prefers White Zinfandel to beer.  He is also hilarious.  Keep this in mind over the season.

Finally, there’s me.  Rumor has it I know nothing about football whatsoever. I do not check stats, nor do I have any inclination to do so.  My favorite team is the Washington Redskins, and I yell at my TV constantly due to them.  Fuck Dan Snyder.  The end.

A SHORT GLOSSARY

As of this writing, the first game of the season is tomorrow- and since I don’t actively do picks, I figure I’d leave you guys with a short list of words and phrases that will pop up often over the next five months.  No, we can’t stop cursing, this is just how we talk in the heat of battle:

TOSS SWEEP~! – Usually shouted by me whenever Clinton Portis has a carry regardless of the actual play.  Also said when I spill a beer.

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels – Any team that scores after a penalty.  This is one of The Don’s favorites.

Smokes Up – It means that the hot dogs are ready.  Yes, there are hot dog grills involved.  What up.

Fresh Corn – Popcorn’s ready… and yes, popcorn makers are involved too. 

That Pretty Woman – Pam Oliver.  That’s how The Don refers to her.  Conversely…

That Bitch – Terrell Owens.  I don’t know of anyone that likes him.

Duck Pluckin’ Motherfuckers – Any team stinking up the field; mostly used whenever the Eagles are playing horribly.  Also used exclusively whenever Donovan McNabb is playing like some hot garbage.

Stat Jinx – Any time the ticker at the bottom of the screen says something like “Jason Campbell hasn’t thrown an INT in his past 26 passing attempts” and then that exact stat is nullified with the very next play.  This happens A LOT.

Fuck Dan Snyder – Exactly what it means.  I hate that guy.  The Ghost of Jack Kent Cooke and I have a plan, damnit.

The Universe – The Mysterious Force that conspires against me at every turn.  How many Sundays will I miss this year, Universe?!

NEXT TIME

The season starts on Thursday, and I have to work during the first half of Sunday’s doubleheader.  This means one and one thing only- it’s gonna be one angry weekend that you’ll hear about on Tuesday. 

Enjoy!