Posted on July 30th, 2009 in Brick Prior, Movies, SHAW-A-DAY-A-THON by Brick Prior

In reference to Santana DVX, E-40 once said: “A horse drank a bottle… and fucked a cow.”

Temperance Brennan, from the TV series “Bones”, quite often says: “I don’t know what that means.”

I say, right now: “MORE HOOCH FOR THE POOCH!”

You decide who is right!

THE TRAILER

THE OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS

“Nearly four decades before Kill Bill, the groundbreaking Shaw Brothers classic Come Drink with Me set the bar for sword-wielding kung fu heroines. "A revelation in martial arts filmmaking" (Ross Chen, LoveHKFilm.com), it stars legendary fight queen Cheng Pei-pei (Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon) as Golden Swallow, a deadly agent sent to rescue a kidnapped official from a bandit clan. To take down the clan’s five ruthless leaders, she teams up with a hard-drinking martial arts mentor, who helps her to cut a path of destruction through her enemies. Featuring pioneering wire work, landmark fight scenes, and a stylized sense of cool far ahead of its era, Come Drink with Me "may be the most influential martial arts film of all time" (David Walker, DVD Talk).”

THIS IS WHAT I THOUGHT HAPPENED SINCE I HAD TO WATCH ACTION AND READ SUBTITLES AT THE SAME TIME, HAR HAR HAR

Any movie with a random dude named Abacus Man is awesome.  Just saying.

So, “Come Drink With Me” opens with a lot of killing.  This is quite par for the course this month, all things considered.  Highlights of this particular slaughter are a white-faced man that looks like he bleached his skin or used some SRRRRIOUS baby powder on his face or some such.  I dunno.  I think my headache’s back again.  Anyway, some high ranking official is kidnapped by these dudes, and it’s up to Golden Swallow (Cheng Pei-pei in her breakout role, you may remember her from “The Shadow Whip” from earlier in the month) and she shows she means business by whooping up on folks in a tavern. 

Plus, she demands her liquor.  SOMEBODY LIKE IT RAW SHIMMY SHIMMY YA.

Huh.  I… don’t know where that came from.

We get to see how cruel the bad guys are as they hear someone spying, and one of them throws a needle through a window (don’t worry, it was one of those paper deals).  Said needle catches a kid in the eye, and he’s all a’cryin’ and whatnot, but the bad guys know that his momma didn’t name him “AAAAAAHHHHHHH!”, so they put the kid out of his misery by stabbing him through the chest.

COLD.  BLOODED.

Golden Swallow ends up meeting her match with the town drunk (hereby known as Ol’ Drunky Drunk), and there’s a bunch of singing and whatnot, so I tuned out for a bit.  I checked my stocks (they’re failing), played some chess on the internet (I lost), and tried a speedrun of Super Mario Bros. 3 before unpausing the movie and continuing my viewing spree.

I think I have ADD.

Anyway, the White Faced Man runs into Golden Swallow at a temple and is all like, “SHEEBA SHEEBA SHEEBA DON’T YOU KNOW WHAT GOD IN THE FLESH LOOKS LIKE, BAY-BAY”, and Golden Swallow hightails it out of there because she’s having “Rocky III” flashbacks, dig?  Unfortunately for her, there’s MINIONS~! and whatnot blocking her exit, so there’s a big fight.  Incense is involved, and a Youtube version of this clip has some old school R&B dubbed over it.

PLAY ANOTHA SLOW JAM

GONNA MAKE DAT RECORD SKIP

…‘CUZ OF THA SLOW JAM

That’s not how the lyrics go, but you know how it is around these parts by now, so play along.  Anyway, after some slight killing, Vanilla Face just wants to talk about what’s going on, but Golden Swallow isn’t having any of that, telling the fool that he’s just headed to his death.   They lock swords, and Pale Face tries to grab her hair.  That doesn’t work, so he cuts her frilly robe off a tad.  More people start dying and the fight continues.  Someone tosses a midget- no wait, that was no midget, that was a tiny little man.  The fight moves off to the courtyard, and Golden Swallow is killing lots of folks- again, par for the course this month.  Pale Face and Golden Swallow finally face off, and there’s a lot of posturing and all that jazz until White Frosting Face tries to do a feint with a blanket or some shit, but that doesn’t work as the fight is still a stalemate. 

Then she cuts him on the forehead, but Golden Swallow trips like a girl, and ALL BETS ARE OFF.

She trips him and things be EVEN SHIA LABEOUF WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA HEY HEY HEY HEY NO WAIT WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA STEVEN(S), SON.

Eventually the numbers get to be too much, Golden Swallow tries to hightail it over one of them there tall walls but takes a dart to the shoulder, and staggers off to something resembling safety… only to pass out in the woods and be saved by OL’ DRUNKY DRUNK!

Story time.

I’ve been drunk a lot in my heyday, but I’ve never been so drunk that I’ve been staggering around in the woods and saving folks after they’ve been poisoned.  I must not be that much of an awesome drunk if I can’t pull that shit off.

Anyway, once Golden Swallow comes to, she’s all like “What the fuck do you want?” and ODD is all “Meh, you suck at fighting”, and she’s like “Uh, don’t you want me?” and he’s all “Come the fuck on, I’m a goddamn martial arts master, I don’t think about booty all the time” so she starts swooning and all that due to the poison and whatnot, so he’s like, “Meh.  Guess I’ll work my magic!”

So, he sucks the poison out of her.  That’s what they called “the deed” back in those days, you see.

“Lemme suck that poison out of you!”

“*teehee* Okay!”

See how that works?

So, ODD is nursing Golden Swallow back to health (my God, those last nine words look dirty in a sentence), and there’s a big ol’ fight between ODD and his boys because they’re all teasing him about helping out Golden Swallow.  How do I know that? Because “You motherfucker!” was one of the subtitles, and you just don’t say that kinda thing for any reason.  Thems fightin’ words, after all.

Wouldn’t ya know it, they’re all there to kill Golden Swallow, so ODD kills them instead.  She’s in his debt, which is also code for “doing the deed” in movies, you know.

“You saved my life!”

“GOT DAMN! Where’d your panties go?!”

See how that works?

Sooooo, ODD heads into the bad guys’ camp, getting the skinny about their stance on Golden Swallow, as the stage is now set for either a siege or a SWERVE~! Eventually both camps duke it out- Golden Swallow and company are trying to get her brother back (who is the kidnapped official from the beginning of the film, me and this recapping stuff is no good, I tells ya), while the Bad Guys have ODD’s brother on the payroll.  Golden Swallow kills everyone she sees and causes Pale White Dummy Face to flee the scene after he gets cut up, and there’s a big hullabaloo between ODD and his brother, The Monk.  The Monk cuts a deal and leaves… only to jump ODD at his home at night.  The two battle, destroying several huts in the process, but in the end ODD wins after spitting wine into his brothers’ face and then stabbing him in the heart.

With that gruesome task done, Golden Swallow heads off, and the movie is over.

Huh.

“That wasn’t complicated at all!”

See how that works?

WHAT I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS MOVIE/FILM

As horrible as I was with recapping this one, it’s actually quite the fun film.  Cheng Pei-pei makes for an awesome and formidable heroine, and the eccentric cast of characters goes a long way towards giving this film a bit of staying power.

Needless to say, watch it sober.

And now, pictures!

PALE FACE ALERT

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SHE’S EITHER THINKING ABOUT DRINKING… OR KILLING

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POISONED~!

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MY BALANCE BEFORE A FIGHT IS AWESOME

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TOMORROW

The penultimate edition of SHAW-A-DAY-A-THON!  “My Young Auntie”!  I hope it’s funny… well, the movie, that is.