Posted on July 27th, 2009 in Brick Prior, Movies, SHAW-A-DAY-A-THON by Brick Prior

It’s time for the team-up of the century!  Hammer Studios fans and Shaw Brothers fans unite- hold that thought, how the hell did David Chiang sneak into this film?!  POSSIBLE RAGU ALERT! I can’t escape!

THE TRAILER

THE OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS

“Professor Van Helsing (Peter Cushing) and Count Dracula (John Forbes-Robinson) meet again in this kung fu horror spectacular set in the village of Ping Kuei. After learning about the Seven Golden Vampires of the village, Hsi Ching (David Chang), Vanessa Beren, and Mai Kwei offer to guide Van Helsing and his son to Ping Kuei to free it from the curse of Count Dracula. Throughout their journey, the party encounters several unwanted attackers until they arrive at the golden vampires’ derelict temple, inhabited by Count Dracula. It is here, in this eerie place, where Van Helsing and the Count begin a battle-to-the-death where good and evil collide, and only one man is left standing. This is Hammer’s original uncut version.”

THIS IS WHAT I THOUGHT HAPPENED SINCE- HEY, NO SUBTITLES!

That’s right, no subtitles… aside from a scant few at the beginning, but damnit, no subtitles!  This might only happen one more time all month!  Wow!  What a refreshing change of pace!

In fact, I am inspired…

With that said, it’s time for everyone’s favorite game- you guessed it:

How!

Did!

This!

Shit!

Go!

Down?!

I am your host, Brick Prior, and we have a wonderful, wonderful little film for you this evening/early morning!  Do you like vampires?  Do you like British people?  Do you like Chinese people?  Oh yeah, well do you like fighting? How’s about Nell Carter?!  Sorry, you won’t find her here because this is not a movie with Nell Carter in it!  Now, the rules of “How Did This Shit Go Down?!” are easy: I recap the movie with short songs about the plot interspersed throughout, and you pay attention.  For every unread word or missed note as you sing aloud, several hellish goblins will crawl out from the bowels of your toilet not unlike that movie “Ghoulies” and play practical jokes on you while you sleep. 

Try to keep up!

Our movie starts with a monk running into a white guy as he’s climbing up a hill, and the white guy runs away because… seeing Chinese monks at the turn of the 20th century? INCONCEIVABLE TO THE WHITE MAN’S BRAIN.  Anyway, said monk makes his way to a temple which houses a coffin… and wouldn’t you know it, there’s a damn Dracula in there!  Not THE DRACULA played by Christopher Lee, but a Dracula due to the fact that Sir Lee passed this particular movie up!

So, the monk explains to A Dracula that he wants to revive the legendary Seven Golden Vampires that exist somewhere in China.  A Dracula’s like, “Fucker, no one summons me!” and takes the bastard’s identity- and so our movie begins for real due to the titles appearing and such!

Cut!

To!

Chunking University, where Professor Van Helsing is teaching a course on anthropology or some such when it turns into talk about vampires, and Van Helsing goes over the story of the Seven Golden Vampires in explicit detail, which drops us SMACKADABBU into flashback territory, as we see the story of a farmer who rose up against the vampires against his town, saved his daughter, and then got his throat cut by the vampires.  As one of them tries to retrieve their spiffy little bit of bat medallion bling, that sumbitch catches on fire and the Golden Vampire dies.

And!

Then!

There!

Were!

Six!

We hit the classroom up again, and the local students ain’t having any of that shit, save for one- DAVID CHIANG!

CHIANG CHIANG CHIANG CHIANG

THE ACTUAL WORDS TO THIS SONG RHYME WITH CHIANG

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH

Chiang, who’s name in this film is Hsi Ching (but I know better) silently walks out as Van Helsing tries to plead his case and not come off as a crazy old white man with some book learnings, but it doesn’t work. 

Cut!

To!

Van Helsing’s son, who I have dubbed “Chumpy”, talking to some odd blonde Norweigan socialite seventies hottie (we shall call her “Madge”), and the discussion drifts into dear old dad’s exploits and what not, with Chumpy saying a whole lot of nothing and being more interested in that patented Hammer Horror Cleavage Madge is sporting, because it ain’t a Hammer movie unless there’s massive amounts of cleavage.

Because!

PEOPLE LIKE CLEAVAGE

I SAID PEOPLE LIKE CLEAVAGE

DID YOU EVER SEE SOME CLEAVAGE

THAT MADE YOU SAY “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOW”?!

I!

Have!

But!

Let’s!

Get!

Back!

To!

The!

Movie, where David Chiang is sneaking into Van Helsing’s place, and the two have a sitdown about vampires.  Long story short, Chiang believes him and wants his help to vanquish the remaining six Golden Vampires, but they just need some capital to get there.  Chumpy and Madge are walking down a darkened street where they get jumped by evil people clad in black!  They’re helped out by Chiang’s remaining brothers, as he reveals that he and his brothers have been training for this moment since forever… plus they have a sister, which means that someone’s joining the Love Connection before this movie’s over.  No one knows how they’ll have enough money to finance said trip until Madge says that she’ll fork up the dough- she just has to go too.

This is going to end badly.

They all accept, and it’s off to the desert, but…

They!

Get!

Jumped!

THERE ARE SWORDS A SWINGING

AND DAVID CHIANG FIGHTS WITH HIS FISTS

VAN HELSING LOOKS ON

AND LOTS OF VAMPIRES DIE!

Our band of heroes get to know each other (foreshadowing the massive amounts of death that will happen later) and camp out for the night, and manage to move on while the Golden Vampires raid a town, kidnap a bunch of half naked chicks, and drain their blood back at their camp… but who cares about that when there’s plot development coming up!  Basically, David Chiang is smitten with Madge, while Chumpy wants the brothers’ little sister. 

Setting!

Up!

Tragedy!

Like!

A!

Motherfucker!

They all decide to make camp in a set of caves the next day, but wouldn’t you know it, the vampires take this opportunity to attack!

THERE IS FIRE USED

AND CHUMPY HAS A GUN

BUT HE CAN’T DO SHIT

SO CHIANG USES HIS FISTS

AND OUR HEROES WIN!

David Chiang warns Van Helsing that his brothers can’t survive another attack, but Van Helsing implores him to press on so that they may defeat all the vampires.

So!

They!

Do!

Our heroes decide to make their last stand at a small town outside the vampires’ hideout, and dig trenches and sharpen spears and whatnot, and suddenly it’s nightfall.

Here!

Come!

The!

Vampires!

THERE IS LOTS OF FIGHTING

AND A COUPLE BROTHERS DIE

TWO GOLDEN VAMPIRES DIE

AND MADGE GETS BIT

This is where the movie falls right the fuck off the rails, and Madge’s dumb ass was just standing off by her lonesome being all defenseless and shit until a Golden Vampire hops over and bites her.  David Chiang comes to her rescue, but OH SHIT SHE HAS FANGS!

OUR HERO BETTER WATCH THE FUCK OUT

THAT BROAD’S GOT FANGS

AND NOW HE’S GETTING BIT

HE’S GONNA HAVE TO KILL HER QUICK

And he does so, shoving her onto a sharpened stake of bamboo!  Yeah!  Go back and kick everyone’s ass and make them- AWWW DON’T KILL YOURSELF YOU GODDAMNED ASSHOLE!  RAGU OUT THE MOUTH!  YOU BIG DUMMY!

THIS WAS DEPRESSING

DAVID CHIANG CAN NEVER WIN

STUPID VAMPIRES

THE RAGU STRIKES AGAIN

The brothers all start dying off in rapid succession, and the remaining Golden Vampire kidnaps their little sister and takes her back to their hideout, and Chumpy follows them to try and get his girl back.

There!

Is!

A!

Fight!

But!

Chumpy!

Gets!

His!

Ass!

Kicked!

Van Helsing races onto the scene with two random surviving brothers, and stabs the Golden Vampire in the back, killing him.  Everyone flees, but Van Helsing knows that there’s something wrong- and he comes face to face with A Dracula in the guise of the monk from the beginning of the film.  Van Helsing goads him on, imploring him to show his true face, and A Dracula does so, pimpslapping Van Helsing a few times before Van Helsing grabs a spear and stakes him with it.

SO THE DAY IS SAVED

VAN HELSING WINS AGAIN

WHY COULDN’T CHUMPY DIE

I HATED THAT BASTARD

Thanks for playing, people! 

WHAT I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS MOVIE

With this movie, David Chiang has officially become a member of Brick Prior’s pantheon, joining Bobby Rhodes and Kenji Matsuda as my personal patron saints of badassery.  He may die a lot on film, but it’s entertaining up until that point!

Here, once The Usual Chiang Death Scene happens, the movie loses serious amounts of steam.  I damn sure don’t buy Chumpy as a hero, and Van Helsing is at his best only when Dracula (even it’s A Dracula and not the Christopher Lee version) squares off with him face to face.  This was Chiang’s movie as a character (no trampoline work here, amazingly) until he unceremoniously was shuffled off his mortal coil thanks to some bad writing.

But still!

Awesomely fun movie.  I need to watch more stuff like this, hyuk hyuk hyuk.

And now, pictures!

WHO HAS SUMMONED ME TO STAND UPRIGHT IN MY COFFIN?

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VAN HELSING, CRAZY OLD WHITE MAN

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DAVID CHIANG, BADASS AND SCHOLAR

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EVERYBODY FIGHTS DURING THE DAY

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TOMORROW

“Bells of Death”!  Someone else I know owns this movie… but who?!