Posted on July 25th, 2009 in Brick Prior, Movies, SHAW-A-DAY-A-THON by Brick Prior

Crack is wack!

Er, opium.  I meant opium.  Yeah, that’s it…

THE TRAILER

 

THE OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS

“Tang Chia is considered one of the greatest kung-fu choreographers ever. He directed three movies on his own and his last, is not only his greatest, but one of the greatest ever. Ti Lung, in one of his finest performances, stars Tieh Chiao-san, head of the Ten Kwangtung Tigers, who falls victim to opium, the drug which crippled China. The tragedies and drama that ensue are as stunning as the kung-fu, created by a superlative team of six martial artists. It leads to a truly unforgettable climax, as a trembling Tieh, still weak from going cold turkey, must face the gangsters who have ruined his town while he was addicted. A legitimate masterpiece and one of the finest, most effecting martial arts movies Shaw Brothers ever produced. Also starring Chen Kuan-Tai (Heroes Two) and Phillip Ko Fei (Enter the Dragon).”

 

THIS IS WHAT I THOUGHT HAPPENED SINCE I HAD TO WATCH ACTION AND READ SUBTITLES AT THE SAME TIME, HAR HAR HAR

This is what happens when a Shaw Brothers period piece goes into Afterschool Special territory.

This starts out like a normal Shaw Brothers film- a bunch of folks are attacking some poor place, and it’s up to some righteous people to stop them.  However, there’s a big problem- the righteous people can’t get shit done!  Call the Venoms or some shit, because these dudes are having some major, major trouble.

Enter our hero, Tieh Chiao-san (Ti Lung), as he beats the shit out of the bad guys and saves the day!  But what’s this?  One escapes and heads to the local opium den, which is bringing in all the damn trouble into the town!  Oh no!  Everyone celebrates the prior asswhuppery, and the master Chaio-san has saved the day… but hey, what’s he doing after he’s all by himself among friends?

HE- HE- HE- HE’S SMOKING UP?!

WHAT THE FUCK KINDA MOVIE IS THIS?!

He’s smoking opium, and even his students think it’s cool, so I guess it’s okay.  Wait, I’m getting a note from my editors- opium is a drug.  Okay, well, in these times and conditions, we can consider this to be a metaphor for pot or crack, as no one does opium now… unless that’s what they call crystal meth behind closed doors in the States.

Anyway, Chiao-san smokes up while his students deal with the incoming riff-raff due to the drug-trade.  This is what crack- er, I mean opium does- it takes out the elders that should fucking know better while the young folks that don’t know shit from feces have to clean up, but they keep tripping over all the GODDAMN DRUG DEALERS AND THUGS IN THE FUCKNG NEIGHBORHOOD WHEN THEY’RE TRYING TO CLEAN SHIT UP.  GOD.

Yes, I can be heavy handed as well.

Everyone’s hooked on the shit, and one dude’s family hangs themselves, causing him to kill himself because he was HOOKED ON THAT SHIT AND IS A FUCK UP WHO KILLED HIS FAMILY DUE TO HIS ACTIONS.  At least, that’s what the visuals and acting were telling me.

So, everyone’s got a major problem, and Chiao-san ends up showing up high as shit amidst a brawl in a warehouse to whoop some ass.  His finest student, Gua Si, notices that his teacher is all fucked up, and takes it upon himself to BURN THAT MUTHAFUCKIN’ OPIUM HOUSE DOWN, which he does!

Of course, he gets jumped.

He fights and fights and fights and fights, but eventually falls, and Chiao-san shows up to save the day!

Not.

Chiao-san is in withdrawal from not smoking up (his powers done run out), and can’t really do much against his opponent (aka THE BIG BOSS), so Gua Si takes the loss after his teacher gets stabbed, and Gua Si gets run through and dies… but not before telling his teacher that “Opium is bad, mmmkay!”

Chiao-san resolves to quit, and tells his master to help him quit, so said old master makes him drink a tonic that makes him vomit and spasm and writhe all over the ground. 

Somehow, I don’t think it was worth it.

The Drug Addled Master continues to train, looking good but eventually failing in his training.  He gets so dejected that he starts calling out for drugs, and Gua Si’s sister takes pity on him, so she goes to steal the drugs from the opium house her damn self.

You know how this goes down, right?

She gets the drugs, drops them to her human-shaped carrier, and then gets backhanded off a second story into a table, and she has broken her skull and is dead all due to DRUGS and the PEOPLE THAT WANT THEM.

Said carrier takes the drugs back to the fucking Druggie Master, and he’s all “See, I got the drugs!”, but then he finds out how he got the drugs, and swears that he’s gonna hunt the son of a bitch responsible for all of this down and kill him, throwing the opium into the fire to prove his point.

Hey, uh… broheim?  CONTACT HIGH!  DUH!

We’re then treated with the bizarro Rocky training montage, as Chiao-san rolls around his room wanting to go cold turkey but failing miserably.  It culminates with him being too cold, so everyone builds a fire in the room and fans the heat towards him until he feels “normal”.  Then his training resumes, and he’s ready to kick everyone’s ass in a remorseful manner.

I’m not kidding.

Chiao-san takes the BIG BOSS on, and everything’s even until the BOSS brings out two asshats with lion masks serving for shields, and Chiao-san gets overwhelmed.  He gets slashed in the leg, and everyone thinks that he’s going to start screaming for opium, but instead he asks for two wooden markers.  He then ties them to a piece of cloth, and, to be frank, beats the fucking shit out of everyone that was fighting him to save the day.

Seriously.

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Good times.

WHAT I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS FILM

Absolutely awesome action, but then again, Ti Lung never disappoints.  Wonderful choreography in this film, and it’s still hard to believe that Ti Lung was at the tail end of his Shaw Brothers career during this one- he still has the presence and ability of a star, but hey, what do I know about this stuff?  I don’t have an eye for shit like that, so… pfft.  Moving on, I could have done without the heavy-handedness of the story, but hey- sign o’ the times, if you will.  Other than that, I have nothing else to say.

Except:

Kung fu movies are awesome.

Enjoy pictures!

YOU HIGH ASS BITCH!

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YOU BEING HIGH ON OPIUM HAS KILT YOUR FAMILY

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ROCK BOTTOM!  ROCK BOTTOM!  ROCK BOTTOM!

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…WINNER!

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TOMORROW

“The Wandering Swordsman” is next!  David Chiang says, “KYAAAAAAAAAAH, BITCH!”