Posted on July 25th, 2009 in Brick Prior, Movies, SHAW-A-DAY-A-THON by Brick Prior

Ranma 1/2 meets Scott Pilgrim meets Gordon Liu wearing a wig!  It’s man versus woman in the World Series of Love- SLAMMIN’!  They used to call this one “Shaolin Challenges Ninja”, but I call it “Awww shit, there’s gonna be some fighting tonight!”  ONLY AT THE SHAW-A-DAY-A-THON!

THE TRAILER

 

THE OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS

“Whether it is known as Heroes Of The East or Shaolin Challenges Ninja, this ranks as a special event. A Chinese groom and Japanese bride create a loving ‘Kung-fu Family Feud’ with swords, spears, pikes, karate and even Sai Seui. The result is a dazzling delight.”

THIS IS WHAT I THOUGHT HAPPENED SINCE I HAD TO WATCH ACTION AND READ SUBTITLES AT THE SAME TIME, HAR HAR HAR

Arraigned marriages- count me out for those, please.  Definitely not a fan of them (I’ve had to turn down six, got chased around after five refusals, and was shot at twice), so when it happened to Ah To (Gordon Liu, wearing a wig) in this movie, I immediately yelled “NO WAY MAN UH UH!” at the TV.  My fears soon took a turn for the worse as his Japanese bride Yumiko kept almost flashing her boobs at his friends while training (she wasn’t wearing a shirt under her gi… who knew?!), and getting all into her training so much that she started breaking brick walls and statues and whatnot.  I mean, who does that?  Who in their right God-given mind goes, “I need to train today- say, that brick wall needs to be destroyed!  KYAAAAAH, BITCH!”?  It’s bad enough that the broad destroys everything, but she’s so loud that everyone in the damn neighborhood is thinking that Ah To is beating his wife.

Think about that for a second.

This woman is beating the shit out of inanimate objects SO DAMN LOUDLY that she is making everyone think that the dude keeps smacking her around like she stole something.

Once again, turn that over in your skulls for a second.

Say your significant other throws a punch, and they have a habit of screaming very loudly when doing so.  Perhaps it’s a stress relieving technique handed down through the ages, or maybe they’re just fucking crazy.  They don’t even have to make physical contact with anything; they just scream every time they throw a punch.  How would you feel if you left the house, and the nosey annoying fucker DAT TALKS LAHK DIS that lives across the street comes over to you and goes, “Hey man, whatcha knockin’ the shit outta them for?! DO WE GOTS TO CALL THA POE-LEESE ‘CUZ YOU KEEP SCRAPPIN’ OVER THURRRRR?!”

Definitely not cool.

Eventually it gets down to a discussion of the martial arts between the couple, which turns into some playful sparring, which turns into a food fight, which turns into them trying to kill each other with various weapons.  The bride has had it with all the BOOLSHEET and heads back to Japan, while Ah To, accepting responsibility for this turn of events, drafts a friendly challenge to her to test their various martial arts styles.  If he loses, he concedes that she has the better styles, and that is that.

WRONG!

One of Yumiko’s old friends gets the letter, and rouses seven of Japan’s greatest martial arts masters into action.  They all head to China to whoop Ah To’s ass, and he’s all like- “You know, if you assholes could read, I didn’t challenge all of you- I just want my wife back, that’s all.  Did I get a chance for her to GET DEM KNEES UP?  No.  That’s how we consummate things around here, hence, I need my wife back.  Gotta do the deed, you understand?  It’s between me and her, and I don’t need any of you guys here cockblocking me and hey, wait a second- OH SNAP, A SWORD!  I MUST DUCK!”

And so it begins. 

Ah To takes on swordsmen, Bruce Lee lookalikes, twitchy men with sais, sumo wresters, traditional karate practitioners, and in the end, an actual ninja.  Does he win?  Of course!  He’s gotta get his wife back!  Hell, they actually reconcile soon after all the challenges start, as he even tells her he just wants her back!

The true fun of this one is the moral of the story, which can best be summed up by Rodney King:

“Can’t we all just get along?”

WHAT I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS FILM

I rarely use the c-word when not discussing women, but this movie is “cute”.  This movie is so cute, it makes my back teeth hurt due to all the sugar.  Why is it so cute, you ask?

One, it starts off as a romantic comedy.  Key fact: I HATE THOSE, so I guess I was more susceptible to this one due to all the fighting.  Two, all Ah To wants is to repair the relationship with his wife, and come to a sense of understanding with her concerning martial arts.  Nobody has to die, there’s no roaring rampages of revenge, it’s just the story of two people working things out.

Through fighting.

In an artful fashion.

It’s cute!

This film also stands out as a wonderful display of various martial arts in existence, with a new one specifically thrown in for good measure (Japanese crab style, which looks a lot like Sub Zero’s “Dragon” style from Mortal Kombat Deception if you need an obscure visual reference), and they’re all treated with respect.  It’s a refreshing change from all the “KILL KILL KILL KILL KILLUHHHH” stuff I’ve watched all month, so hooray for that.

I could have gone without the Bruce Lee clone, but whatever… it is what it is.  Oh, and the peanut oil taking out the sumo wrestler due to Ah To being so slippery was a dick move.  THAT’S CHEATING, AH TO!  THAT’S DEFINITELY NOT THE HONORABLE THING TO DO! I THOUGHT YOU WERE TAUGHT BETTER!

Sorry.  My bad.

Anyway, here are some pictures!

MAN, THAT IS ONE UGLY ASS RUG

 vlcsnap-1340467  

NO! NOT THE BRICKS!

vlcsnap-1340929

YOU AIN’T BRUCE LEE

vlcsnap-1342001

TELL ALL THE MASTERS THIS: “HIS NAME WAS ROBERT PAULSON”

vlcsnap-1342480

TOMORROW

It’s time for some drug abuse! Ti Lung returns in “Opium and the Kung Fu Master”!