Posted on July 23rd, 2009 in Brick Prior, Movies, SHAW-A-DAY-A-THON by Brick Prior

Ho-lee shit.  Exploitative fare hits the marathon, and it is a doozy.

THE TRAILER

No official trailer for this one.  However, here’s a scene I found on Youtube:

 

 

THE OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS

“From the director of Killer Snakes comes a horror classic!

After suffering an injury in the ring, embattled boxer Zhen Wei enlists the aid of his brother, Zhen Xiong, to avenge him and find the key to an omen which may release their family from an ancient curse. Black wizards, Taoist monks, rampaging monsters, spooky apparitions, beastly crocodile skeletons, flying human heads, a sexy female zombie with long talons, and demonic bats lie in store for our hero, whose trials form one of the most outrageous, horrific, dazzling spectacles in action-horror history. You’ve never seen anything like it!

Starring martial arts masters Bolo Yeung (Enter the Dragon, 5 Fingers of Death, Heroic Ones and Lung Wei Wang (Invincible Pole Fighter, Master of the Flying Guillotine)!”

THIS IS WHAT I THOUGHT HAPPENED SINCE I HAD TO WATCH ACTION AND READ SUBTITLES AT THE SAME TIME, HAR HAR HAR

Who would win in a fight between a Chinese boxer and a very huge Thai boxer that happens to look like Bolo Yeung?  No, that’s not fodder for a long lost edition of AbG FACEOFF (note: it did not involve a sumo wrestler or a ninja, so it doesn’t count), that’s how this movie starts!  BOLO~! beats the crap out of this other boxer, which brings in his gangster brother for some much needed payback.  However, in an attempt to shakedown some punks trying to overtake his turf, Chang (the gangster brother) is summarily jumped and almost killified until a mysterious monk steps in. 

I’d leave the goddamn country after this point, but that’s not what Our Hero does.  Nope, instead he bangs his girlfriend against a sliding glass door, has a bowl of Wheaties, and takes a nap only to be roused from his slumber by that damned monk… can you say flashback time as the monk explains his plight?

Sure you can!

The monk was involved with taking out (meaning, “to get rid of”, not to take to Sizzler) a servant of an evil dark wizard, and he does so by shining a light into his face, making boils appear (and explode, eeech!) all over his body, and finally distilling that poor bastard down to his pure form, namely a bat.  Said bat then has a knife shoved through it, pinning it to a table while the monk rings a bell incessantly as part of some sort of ritual that I ain’t never seen before in my life.

The dark wizard gets word of this, and after an emotional outburst of “What did he do to my bat!?” proceeds to go after the monk with all of the dark fury that a dark wizard of his caliber would naturally (darkly, even?) possess.

Namely, he gets another bat.

And so begins the small war between the dark wizard and the monk, progressing with a Tom and Jerry styled chase as the “skeletonized” bat tries to make a getaway, but the monk chases after him with a large golden hammer.  The bat gets crushed, and it is on even more between the wizard and the monk!  Snakes, a desiccated head, and something even worse than “chilled monkey brains” is consumed!  This shit is wacky, and if I describe it in detail, you might just vomit. 

Needless to say, I do legitimately own the film, so if you want to borrow it…

Ahem.  The abbot finally gets taken out via poison needles to the eyes, and Our Hero Chang is explained everything in full detail.  Wouldn’t ya know it, the abbot’s preserved body is also on display at the temple.  That is…

Fucked.

Up.

What if a bunch of kids looked up to this guy and showed up on a random Thursday and saw Life Sized Abbot Beef Jerky on display for everyone to see?  Who’s gonna explain that to little Jimmy, Three Kneed Richie, or the inner city youth that wandered over to play basketball but was murdered by evil spirits instead?

WHO?!

Sorry.  Had a moment.

So, Chang (if that is his real name) gets trained in the arts of Ultimate Fighting Against The Dark Arts, complete with getting his head shaved and whatnot.  He faces the dark wizard, and after an attack involving a flying torso and the dark wizard’s head getting ripped off, our hero has won!

Hooray!

And this is where the movie goes completely off the rails.

Chang’s still got his fight with Bolo, and in typical boxer fashion (and as not to lose his magic powers) he’s told not to go humping any women… so what does he do?  He asks his woman to GET DEM KNEES UP for him one more time.  What happens during the fight, you ask?  Well, the poor bastard goes blind thanks to some evil wizard shenanigans!  Their plan? To revive some evil snake lady!  The only man standing in the way? BLIND ASS CHANG.

The final sequence involves Chang giving the Life Sized Abbott Jerky a bunch of shit for getting him into the mess, a killer alligator, a zombiefied woman with obviously fake boobs, Saran Wrap. and the complete meltdown of a human being that involves them turning into melted Crayolas.

If this is one of the films that didn’t make the MORROR lineup, then holy shit- I am in trouble in October.

WHAT I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS FILM

If you like gross out stuff, or rubberized puppets doing gross stuff, or chicken gizzard eating, or anything that might have to do something with those, then by all means, see this film.

If you have an aversion to the occult, hate creepy-crawlies, or don’t like horror movies, then don’t see this film.

If you need photographical evidence about the film I just watched, then you’re in luck. 

Here are some pictures!

MONK RUN-IN!  CUE THE BLESSED WATER!

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ZOMBIE JERRY ON THE LOOSE

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BOLO WITH A RARE MOMENT OF NOT TRYING TO KILL SOMEONE

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LEGEND HAS IT THAT STEPHEN KING HAD ONE OF THESE ON HIS DESK IN THE 1980s

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YOU THERE!  DO NOT WALK AWAY FROM THE SPARKLY LIGHTS!

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TOMORROW

And we’re back in real time.  I’d like to thank you, you, and especially you.  You know who you are.  Tomorrow’s film is… “Heroes of the East”!  Welcome back to the marathon, Gordon Liu!   We missed you!