Posted on July 23rd, 2009 in Brick Prior, Movies, SHAW-A-DAY-A-THON by Brick Prior

Today’s content has been brought to you by aspirin, vitamins, and water.

THE TRAILER

 

THE OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS

“When a handsome prince is taken captive and guarded by a martial arts master, it’s up to two powerful patriots to fight overwhelming odds. From the first fascinating minute to the final desperate battle to the death culminating in an unforgettably evocative conclusion -this duo is dynamic as well as deadly.”

THIS IS WHAT I THOUGHT HAPPENED SINCE I HAD TO WATCH ACTION AND READ SUBTITLES AT THE SAME TIME, HAR HAR HAR

Holy shit, this movie has a lot of killing- the first fifteen minutes are nothing but people getting ARROWED~! in the face and torso, and other people going either “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” or “YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!” and maybe even a little of “HNNNNNGH!” thrown in there for good measure.  The plot shakes down like this- a prince is kidnapped, and it’s up to a couple of groups to save him.  One group is captured, and the other has to get across a rotting bridge in order to get to the enemy camp.  How do they do this, you ask?  Well, it takes three of the heroes to unceremoniously fall to their deaths before the so-called “expert” that they were waiting for realizes that the bridge is impossible to cross unless they rappel from strut to strut like Chinese Batmen.

So, they do just that.

And I’m serious about the dudes falling to their death.  The shit happens three times in a row- “No, you can’t go!” countered with “I have to go, I’m a hero!” followed by a good six steps until the bridge gives away and we’re hit with the “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” followed by a shot of their bloodied corpse floating among rocks.

Three times of that bullshit.

Eventually, they get across the bridge and are jumped by their enemies and whatnot, and the Expert (his name being Little Bat, played by David Chiang who we last saw get drawn and quartered waaaaaaaaaaaaaay back in Day 1) figures out that they need a plan. Duh.  They come up with one that involves Ti Lung bring taken into camp as a prisoner, and lots of death and destruction once they have an opening.  There’s a bit of a SWERVE~! as one of the heroes they were with plays the part so well that he starts fighting EVERYONE AND THEIR MOTHER, and gets slashed up and hacked up and arrowed so badly that Little Bat has to put him out of his misery, much to Ti Lung’s shock.  Our Heroes eventually make their move and escape on horseback, but Little Bat is severely injured and leaking red stuff all down his leg, while the rest of the heroes run into BOLO~!, who has a rather large hammer and makes short work of them.

Needless to say, it’s up to Ti Lung and Little Bat to get the prince to safety, and they do so, with Ti Lung battling about eight hundred and fifty two people with an axe, while Little Bat takes on about five hundred and forty nine people with just a spike and some chain.

It is fucking nuts.

Ti Lung and the prince make it to the getaway raft (silly reader, there is ALWAYS a getaway raft!), and Little Bat does his best to give them enough time to get out of there, eventually getting ARROWED~! and striking a patented Shaw Brothers Death Pose as the movie ends.

WHAT I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS MOVIE

Every now and then, I fire up one of these movies not knowing what to expect, and I get a shitload of killing, BOLO~!, and more killing to go along with that.  I also end up seeing stupid shit, like the bridge sequence.  If someone adapts said sequence for an episode of Heroes next season in which PARKMAN~! has to constantly convince various randomly introduced Heroes not to go through the electrified hallway in a previously thought abandoned apartment/down the spooky corridor with gun toting people/not to fall for Sylar’s death trap and all those assholes die while PARKMAN~! can only go “I TOLD YOU TO LISTEN TO ME!”, I will not be surprised.

DO NOT CROSS THE ROTTED BRIDGE.  GOD.

When the film works, it works spectacularly- Ti Lung is always fun to watch, and David Chiang tends to give a very nuanced performance as a Hero that doesn’t really step up into the mythical Hero role until the very end where he sacrifices himself against amazingly horrific odds.

Plus, Ti Lung beat BOLO~!.  That’s a feat in and of itself.

In short, stay for the killing, don’t worry about the story.

And now, pictures!

THE TITLE IS SHOWN AT THE BEGINNING, AS USUAL

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NOT A NICE WAY TO GO

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IT TOOK THIS LONG FOR ME TO MAKE A BOMB IN SO AND SO’S RIBCAGE REFERENCE, SO HERE YOU GO

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DEATH POSE #162 

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TOMORROW

Ti Lung and David Chiang team up again for “Have Sword, Will Travel”!  Will David Chiang stew in his own Ragu yet again?  I think so!  Until then, I will figure out exactly just what other colors of the rainbow I can expectorate next…