Posted on July 23rd, 2009 in Brick Prior, Movies, SHAW-A-DAY-A-THON by Brick Prior

Well, I’m back, saddled with the con flu (MY SNOT IS GREEN!), and playing catch up.

Ain’t it the life?

THE TRAILER

THE OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS

“The Ten Tigers from Kwangtung attempt to protect a revolutionary from the Manchu government, but their actions have fatal consequences for their disciples. The Shaw Brothers’ greatest stars have assembled here to take on this legendary tale. The cast includes Ti Lung (Drunken Master 2, The Deadly Duo), Alexander Fu Sheng (Heroes Two, The Brave Archer), Wang Lung Wei (The Master), Philip Kwok (The Flag of Iron) and a veritable who’s who of kung fu film legends. This classic film from 1979 was directed by the influential Chang Cheh (Five Element Ninjas).”

THIS IS WHAT I THOUGHT HAPPENED SINCE I HAD TO WATCH ACTION AND READ SUBTITLES AT THE SAME TIME, HAR HAR HAR

This movie really hit home for me, because for those of you that don’t know, I was raised by a couple of local revolutionaries that taught me kung fu.

You’re… not buying that, are you?

Fine, then.  I’ll have to figure out a better way to work in “Fake Storytime With Brick”.

So, this is what happened in this one: we open in on two folks in CAHOOTS~!- namely, they’ve singled out the descendants of the Ten Tigers of Kwangtung and are looking to kill them until they are dead.  The five descendants are busy carousing and getting drunk, and the only thing that’s missing are half naked broads and stripper poles.  Someone tell me the seventeenth century analog of a stripper pole, and I’ll give you a fake dollar.  So, our bad guys (Brother Evil and Uncle Nasty) have to separate the brothers, and decide to do so by waiting until they all go off to their rooms all shitfaced and then isolating the one that works at the gambling house.

Guess what!

They do just that!

So, one of the brothers is dead via headcrushing and STABBING, and the rest of the group is now sober and lamenting their misfortune- oh, if they all weren’t drunk, yadda yadda yadda, pfft, get on with the story!  They do just that, as we hit FLASHBACK MODE, for the longest flashback I’ve ever seen besides “Underworld 3: Someone Please Give Rhona Mitra More Work Besides Stuff Like This”.  Basically the next fifty minutes are one long flashback to how the Ten Tigers of Kwangtung became so legendary, and luckily for us, they’re made up of lots of familiar faces- The Kwok, MENG~!, Ti Lung, and Alexander Fu Sheng- it’s obvious that the Ten Tigers are supposed to be the most likable of the bunch, and with that particular cast, they pull it off easy.  It’s Fu Sheng’s job to gather up all the heroes, and he does so, pissing everyone off way too easily because he’s that much of a hot-tempered douchebag, and once they’re all together, it’s time to make sure that the revolutionary they’re guarding is kept safe at all costs.

This translates to a big ass fight at the pier, in which Ti Lung fights a dude using a weapon that looks bronzed lady that also like a metal fish.

I am not lying.

There’s a big ass brawl, the heroes get the upperhand, and Metal Fish Using Dude gets his head caved in via his own metal fish lady weapon, so that’s that from their end.  We fast forward several years to present day, in which the descendants of the Ten Tigers are now getting picked off one by one.  One is cornered at his job and stabbed until he has no guts left to stab, taking him out of the game.  The other is busy making money as a street performer, but is picked off after a “friendly” showing of kung fu causes a knife to get to know his torso a little bit more.

In a “humorous” scene, the disciple’s friend watches him get offed, and proceeds to headbutt everything in sight out of revenge.  Brother Evil, killer extraordinare, softens him up by tossing a couple of pots at his head before slipping a knife into a pot and stabbing him in the skull.

COLD.  BLOODED.

However, Brother Evil ends up on the side of “Whoops, you dead!” when two of the other disciples come in and trick him about his identity, eventually stringing him up on a stage and stabbing him in the gut with his own knife.  The good guys can be evil too!

And now, we go barrelling towards the final fight scene, which has the remaining two disciples go back to the gambling house for revenge.  They lure out the conspirators and get into a big brawl, which leads to Brother Mutton Chop getting run through before FALLING ONTO A DOWNED OPPONENT, KILLING HIM AS WELL.  This leads the good guys’ master into the fray, who after seeing Uncle Nasty precariously dangling from the ceiling, takes the time to dropkick his head right off his shoulders.

Wow.

Most of the good guys are dead, all of the bad guys are dead, and this one is over.

WHAT I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS MOVIE

I could have done without the long flashback, because I really didn’t give a shit about the disciples or their plight, so when they started getting knocked off one by one, it just didn’t do anything for me.  Keep in mind the fact that Brother Evil just has two moves (walk timidly and STAB PEOPLE), and he wasn’t all that great either.  In fact, aside from the flashback full of actors that have been in every movie I’ve watched over the past month, I just didn’t really care for this one as a whole.

But I did take some pictures…

 

STAB

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MOTION BLURRED LADY LOOKS LIKE A BRONZED FISH

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BROTHER MUTTON CHOP SAYS YOU JUST GOT STABBED

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OLD TIMEY RIDER KICK

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TOMORROW

Will this madness ever end?  Hell no- it’s time for “The Deadly Duo”!