Posted on July 20th, 2009 in Brick Prior, Movies, Rick Prior, SHAW-A-DAY-A-THON by Brick Prior

Brick Prior is a major A-1 douchebag.

There I was, at the high school waxing the El Camino and getting ready to make it rain, when I got a phone call from Brick who was trapped in Baltimore with a bunch of other nerds and geeks and whatnot, and he’s all asking me to watch a film and post it on his dork site.  I tells him, this is what I tells him, I tells him that later I was gonna go call up The Rourke and see we could hit up Scores.  He tells me, the little fucker tells me that there’s a fucking Scores in FUCKING BALTIMORE.  I tell him that I ain’t going to no fucking Scores in Baltimore, I’m going to the real fucking Scores wherever it is (I was backstage at the goddamn Oscars, I should know where Scores is, but I was at the Oscars with the Rourke and there was a Hummer and a hummer from a blonde, get my drift?), and there isn’t a goddamn thing he can do about it.

He asked me- THE LITTLE SHIT ASKED ME if I could watch a movie, use the formats that he was doing, and post it up for him.  Says he asked that stinky bacon-necked Canadian he knows to do one, and he’s gonna do it, and the readers REALLY REALLY REALLY want me to do something, so yeah, okay, fine, let’s do this.

…I gotta go to Youtube?

FUCK.

HERE’S A CLIP. CENTER CENTER CENTER CENTER

BOLD MAKES IT IMPORTANT, UNLIKE YOUR LIFE

Goddamn, I did not want to sit through this shit.  See, I don’t like these kinds of films.  Can they even be called films?  I’m more of a “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” kinda dude, because that Phoebe Cates was a PIECE back in the day, buddy.  El Camino material indeed. 

This dude’s name is Tong, right?  And he’s a Shaolin monk or student or some shit- why the fuck are all these dudes so goddamn good at fighting?  Do they go to school?  Did they even have a chance to become a NERD?  Everyone can fight, and this dude is fucking ripped, see?  He’s gotta go find some Shaolin dude, so he hits up a restaurant spot, trying get some intel.  He’s carrying big fucking pots and what not- HOLY SHIT THOSE ARE WINE POTS?! YOU KEEP WINE IN THOSE?! FUCKSTICK ON A STICK THAT IS AWESOME.  BETTER THAN A GODDAMN BOX OF WINE, THAT’S FOR SURE.

Strongman Tong gets jumped and stabbed and shit by a couple of curved knives, so he runs to some dude’s house.  Gotta rewind to see his name- Tai-lai? THAT’S A CHICK’S NAME, MAN- WHAT’S UP WITH THAT? Tai-lai’s got a sister, and bow chicka wow wow, my man Tong is ready to get all up ins.  They heal him up and stuff, and she teaches him how to defend against throwing knives.  Hey, I know how to defend against them- BRING A GUN AND DON’T GET STABBED.  Brick was hollering about one of these movies having a shotgun in it once- one of these dudes needs to get one of those and have someone join the wet t-shirt contest, if you get my drift.

Tong goes back and kills the dude that stabbed him, but him and his man get challenged by some other Wu Tang asshole, so they fight and kill him too.  That’s right, these two are on some Captain Malcom Reynolds shit- kill those assholes before they kill you, and I can dig that.  Things start to settle down, and Tong is gonna marry his boy’s sister- see, that’s how you do it: get in with the family, get good with the family, and then GET IT.  Smart man.

These Wu Tang dudes end up pulling some New Jack City shit and infiltrating (school word!) the wedding!  How fucked up is that?  New bride, and BAM!  She dead!  Tong’s friend got merced too, and those Wu Tang assholes kidnap the strongman, so it’s up to some little Shaolin freedom fighting dude to save the day.  Turns out there’s a goddamn spy with the Wu Tang, and he ends up freeing Tong.  Tong’s all sad over the deaths of his wife and friend, but some Wu Tang dude starts to sympathize with him so he can kill him and destroy the Shaolin.  Ol’ Dirty Bastard never woulda pulled some shit like that (RIP Dirt McGirt).  Man, these dudes are vicious with their plotting and shit.  I mean, just kill the assholes- why do you have to be friends with somebody first?  That takes all the fun out of it- if you shoot a dude, do you really wanna be his friend first?  What if they have kids or a family or something- then you have one dead friend and some sad ass people wondering why you did it.  Weaksauce, man.

Tong ends up getting paralyzed by some needles- this is why I hate acupuncture.  You wanna calm down, take a drive or something- you don’t need anyone sticking any needles in you or nothing like that.  Hell, why do you think I have the El Camino so souped up?  It ain’t just for the ladies, you know- my ride has a calming effect on me.  Every time I take a drive, it’s like that flashback from Rocky IV- it clears my head, and I’m wondering how I’m gonna beat the shit out of the clerk at the Shop ‘n Save at the same time.

WHAT FUCKING PART WAS I AT?

The Shaolin sympathizer pulls the needles out of Tong’s back, while the rest of the Shaolin boys storm the Wu Tang place and beat their asses.  The evil motherfucker that started all this shit starts killing everybody, so Tong fights him at half strength or whatnot, while the little Shaolin dude takes on some other dudes that fight like monkeys.  One of the monkey dudes dies, and the secret agent Shaolin guy kills himself after all the strife he caused- I guess he was just too fucking confused being a spy and all that.

When Brick and I were littler, moms bought him a Transformer that was a secret agent.  Goddamn thing was named “Punch”, and his Decepticon side was named “Counterpunch”- he could transform into both, you see… AND A CAR.

I broke the shit out of that toy after Brick kept running around the house screaming “Punch!  Help Optimus!” at the top of his lungs.  I don’t care if he cried.  If he ate more, he wouldn’t… skinny motherfucker.

Anyway, the spy dude is dead, and the other Shaolin dude gets stabbed in the chest, so Tong gets really pissed off and breaks the guy’s back by bending him backwards until his skull touches his ankles.

You don’t want to fuck with Tong!

And everyone died so that’s the end of the damn film.

Them dudes is hardcore… now I gotta make some pictures.

 

THIS IS HOW THE MOVIE STARTS

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I TOLD YOU TONG CARRIED SOME POTS

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THIS IS PROOF OF HIS STRENGTH

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I ALSO TOLD YOU THAT EVERYONE DIED

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I’M NEVER DOING THIS SHIT AGAIN

That Canadian does this next.  Not me, homey.