Posted on July 20th, 2009 in Brick Prior, Movies, SHAW-A-DAY-A-THON by Brick Prior

Part 1 of “Brick Was Trapped At Otakon And Could Not Get To His Computer To Update” begins here!

THE TRAILER

THE OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS

“Liu Yung and Sun Chien (the Korean kicking The Five Venom from Chang Cheh s internationally popular series) team to investigate the martial-art murders of a supposedly mortally wounded swordsman, only to find deception, death, double-dealings, imposters and one deadly duel after another.”

THIS IS WHAT I THOUGHT HAPPENED SINCE I HAD TO WATCH ACTION AND READ SUBTITLES AT THE SAME TIME, HAR HAR HAR

This is one of those movies that starts out about a gambling situation and becomes something else between friends.  Have you ever seen any type of movie like that?  Yeah?  Well, have you seen one with swords, flying ninjas, and pastel colors?  Yeah?  No?  What?!  DOES ANYONE CARE ABOUT THIS EXCEPT FOR ME?!  Yeah?!  Thank you, thank you.  I love you all.  If we work together, all of our enemies can be defeated.

Anyway…

The official synopsis drops the ball- this is yet another tale of friendship.  Why would two friends fight one another?  And more importantly, what would another friend think about it all if they were caught in the middle?  Would they try to stop the proceedings, or let things go their course?

Don’t answer that. 

I know who you are, and I just want to say: don’t answer that.

In fact, let’s let the movie answer it for us!

As we open, a bunch of people are hanging out, eating and drinking and whatnot because that’s what people do when gathered in large groups… besides get into fights and kill one another, that is.  I am being told by my editor that people also vote, start riots, and set things on fire when in large groups, but I think that factoid is debatable, so please disregard it.

Anywho, everyone’s talking about a big duel (…of the century!) coming up between Shimen Chui-shuie (we will call him Chewie from here on in) and Ye Gu-cheng (he will be known as Gooch).  Our hero Lu Xiaofeng shows up, and says that they can all ask the monk living in the nearby hut about the matter… for fifty pieces of silver, that is.  Our gang basically gets brushed off and is metaphorically robbed for their money, so it’s up to Lu Xiaofeng to figure out exactly what the hell is going on.

First stop, a high profile gambler is eating breakfast when he gets ambushed by a bunch of warriors.  Xiaofeng shows up and beats the shit out of them with his patented “I Can Block Any Weapon With My Iron Grip” technique.  He then asks the gambler about why the upcoming duel is so huge, and he’s told to ask some other dude.

So, he does!

There’s another fight at a restaurant, and the Gooch shows up to kill an assassin with his patented “I have a sword on a chain, so now you must WATCH ME TOSS IT AT YOUR CHEST!” technique… but this is out of character for the swordsman, so Lu Xiaofeng goes to ask some other dude about it.  Said dude is “Pockmark Earl”, which is not his real name, but he does hang out at the Blue Oyster Club For Eunuchs.  There is, of course, another fight in which lots of eunuchs are tossed through doors (it’s a sight gag but with eunuch abuse!) Pockmark Earl gets killed in the ensuing fracas.  This leads Lu Xiaofeng to ask some other dude about what’s going on- it turns out that the Gooch was poisoned in a fight and is in deep shit concerning the duel, so Lu goes to ask some other dude about some other shit, and teams up with Chewie to get to the bottom of everything concerning the dude.

It! Turns! Out! That! There are two Goochs running around- one is an imposter, and the other has a fucked up arm due to poison.  Lu Xiaofeng finds this out after tricking the fake with some shenanigans revolving around poisons and antidotes and whatnot.

So, Lu Xiaofeng goes to ask the real Gooch about what’s going on, and he says that he’s in a plot to overthrow the Emperor or some shit.  Lu Xiaofeng gets knocked out and tied up, and the fake Gooch goes to fight Chewie while the real Gooch goes to take out the emperor’s guards before killing the emperor himself.  Fake Gooch gets found out and killed, while Chewie shows up to back the heroes up.  Gooch is feeling remorseful for all the shit he pulled, so he asks Chewie for the duel.  They fight amidst some goofy ass paper circles, and Chewie kills the swordsman, while all Lu Xiaofeng could do was watch his friends fight.

…the end.

…hooray?

WHAT I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS MOVIE

Imagine, if you will, a high-kicking pastel wearing Sherlock Holmes, and you have the hero of this movie.  He’s cool with his iron grip technique, yet he also comes off as someone who, as awesome as he is, does not give a shit about anything going on because he can SOLVE IT WITH EASY.  That’d make for a pretty fun film, right?  Narp- this one tends to  plod along until the big TWIST~! with the plot against the emperor comes to light, and limps onto a slightly satisfying conclusion if only for the large ass paper circle fight.  This movie tries hard with the story, but all it ends up being is a “move characters to set piece B” deal, which is kinda sad.  There’s a Venom in this film, but he doesn’t fight.  That makes this film a fucking travesty, and I’m gonna get Rick Prior on the phone to chastise whoever made that brilliant decision.   Seriously, you got the goddamn Scorpion in your film and you don’t let him fight?  Just like eating shit on toast for breakfast, that is a bad idea, friends.

In fact?

Fbbbbbbbt. 

Jog on, film.

Here be pictures!

THE WUXIA VERSION OF SCOOBY DOO WAS A FUCKING FAILURE

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GIMME YER SWORD

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A COURTYARD FULL OF PAPER CIRCLES, THE LATEST ALBUM BY DAVE MATTHEWS

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TOMORROW (IN THEORY)

Two Champions of Shaolin!  A rare Lo Meng starring role!  I sure hope he doesn’t get killed in this one- oh wait, it’s Lo Meng.  HE GON DIE.