Posted on July 16th, 2009 in Brick Prior, Movies, SHAW-A-DAY-A-THON by Brick Prior

Star Wars, those wonderful Star Wars, this movie is nothing like this except for the fact that the hero falls in love with his long lost sister…

THE TRAILER

 

 

THE OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS

“Based on Chin Yung s novel The Demi-Gods and Semi-Devils, a brother, Tuan Yu, who loves books and a sister, Mu Wan-Ching, who loves swords must face the yellow-robed warrior, the Red Python, a sinuous snake-charmer and a silk-masked beauty (who must kill or wed the first man to see her face) before they can bring peace to their battle-addled family. Danny Lee (John Woo s The Killer) stars as Tuan Yu, while the striking Tanny Tien Ni, plays Mu Wan-Ching, in this familial fight fest. Choreographed by Tang Chia and Huang Pei-Chi and directed by Pao Hsueh-li, trusted co-director for several of Chang Cheh s most memorable productions including The Water Margin, The Battle Wizard is kung-fu action and pure entertainment!”

THIS IS WHAT I THOUGHT HAPPENED SINCE I HAD TO WATCH ACTION AND READ SUBTITLES AT THE SAME TIME, HAR HAR HAR

Well, number one- greetings from Otakon.  I’m here the day before the con starts in order to snag some good rooms, and we succeeded.  I’ve also been up since 4:45 in the morning, the rest of my group has been up since about six, so while they’re all passed out, it’s SHAW BROTHERS TIME for yours truly.

Today’s film is right in the vein of “The Super Inframan”, meaning that it’s balls-out goofy.

This one starts off with two people doing it.  Using her awesome powers of Great Timing, she lets the dude know that she’s pregnant.  He’s immediately all like, “Tell him it’s his,” and she’s all “But he hasn’t been home in six months!”

Our Adulterers are thinking of a new plan when the door busts open and it’s the woman’s husband1  Oh shit, enter the Yellow Robe Man!  There’s a big ol’ fight, and Chief Tuan uses his Yi Yang Finger to cripple Yellow Robe Man.  YRM starts hollering about revenge, and looks to get away but Tuan uses his laser fingers to cut his legs off below the knees.  YRM falls over the side, and Tuan heads back to his mistress… and his fiancée is in tow as well!  What the crap!  They basically shit on the mistress and go off to their own lives, leaving her all alone and swearing revenge.

This is passed onto her daughter as the movie begins, and we meet Tuan Yu some years later, he being Chief Tuan’s son and resident bookworm.  That’s right, all he does is read.  Funny how that works.  He runs into a girl named Ling who has the fun habit of talking to and controlling snakes, which comes in handy once they run afoul of a bunch of bandits.  Ling gets captured so Tuan Yu goes to the mysterious Veiled Lady for help after hearing that she’s about to get ambushed.  Said lady quickly attacks everyone with her needle shooting bone gun, and they eventually save Ling.

But!

Yellow Robe Man, now with stilts, sends his man-monster Canglong after everyone.  Canglong has hooks for hands, a metal skullplate, and is ugly as fuck… which makes him the perfect henchman.

Canglong shows up in a puff of smoke and starts laying waste to everyone.  Ling flees, The Veiled Lady quickly gets taken out via a flying hook to the shoulder, and Tuan Yu manages to get her to safety via horseback… that is, until Canglong chases them on foot in the most ludicrous scene I’ve seen all month.  Our heroes try to jump a cliff, but end up taking a long tumble down a mountainside while the horse plummets to his death.

On the ground, the Lady’s wound is festering, and Tuan Yu goes to suck the blood out in the greatest scene of “attempted help that only looks like rape” ever documented on film.  Red Python, fearsome snake of the forest, then burrows out of the ground due to thoughts of rape, and Tuan Yu fights him in the swamp, eventually chomping down on his neck, drinking his blood and gaining awesome powers in the process.

I bet a Jedi never had to do that shit. 

Tuan Yu is passed out due to a power overload, so Canglong takes the opportunity to try and hump the Veiled Lady.  The Lady responds that if someone sees her face, she either has to marry them or kill them, so she reveals her face to Yu as he awakes. 

Look out, Canglong, this dude is shooting lasers at you like nobody’s business!  Canglong, knowing that he is outnumbered and overpowered, flees.  Our new favorite couple discuss marriage, and they head back to Tuan’s place to let his dad know.

You can guess what happens next, right?

Yep, that’s right- they find out they’re related. 

This is where the movie gets even nuttier.

Yellow Robe Man shows up and kidnaps Tuan Yu, then he and Canglong get Yu’s sister.  They decide to feed them to a gorilla down in the valley by tossing them into a Stone Pit.  I don’t get it either, but I’ve gone this far so I might as well finish things up.  Canglong tries to rape Sister Yu and gets chastised, so he tries to hump Ling instead.  Everyone gets pissed off at Canglong, so Ling takes the opportunity to send a message to the Tuans (remember, family name first!) about their children down in the pit.  The gorilla shows up, and EVERYBODY IS FIGHTING. Chief Tuan and company are fighting Yellow Robe Man and Canglong, and Tuan Yu scarfs down a magical toad to get even stronger in his fight against the gorilla, which culminates with him putting the gorilla in an armbar and then saying “fuck it” by just ripping his arm off instead.

SKIP TO THE END!

The siblings bust out of the pit, and Tuan Yu takes on everyone in plain sight.  Lots of lasers fly back and forth, and Tuan Yu makes Canglong’s head explode Scanners style.  Yellow Robe Man tries to kill Yu, but ol’ Sis takes a pnuematic stilted foot to the chest for the loss.  Tuan Yu reacts the way any older brother would- he turns Yellow Robe Man into melted Crayolas, cries for a bit, and then heads off to start life anew with Ling.

Crazy.  Ass.  Shit.

WHAT I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS MOVIE

For the beginning of this film, Danny Lee runs around like Ace Ventura or possibly a child whose head is too big for his body.  Once he drinks the Red Python’s blood, he becomes all wise and sage like… mostly like a retarded Jedi.  “The Battle Wizard” is a lot of fun due to this inherent retardness; for what it’s worth, it does feel like a classic Chinese tale- weird-as-fuck powers and the heroes that use them, disfigured men hellbent for revenge, the crazy broad that will only marry the first guy that sees her face, and a shitload of adventure.

Oh yeah, and a big ass snake.

That was the best character in the film besides Canglong the Rapist.

Maybe if that metal-skulled asshole didn’t randomly decide to rape women, he would have survived…

Wait… nah.

Picture time!

MAGIC FINGER (THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID)

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HEY MAN, IS DAT YOUR LEG????

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BITE THAT SNAKE’S HEAD OFF AND TAKE ITS POWER!

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WORST GORILLA EVER

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TOMORROW

The marathon continues amidst otaku!  The Duel Of The Century takes place… both here at AbG and at Otakon!