Posted on July 14th, 2009 in Brick Prior, Movies, SHAW-A-DAY-A-THON by Brick Prior

This movie is responsible for one of the worst drinking games I’ve ever played in my life.  I’ll explain after the jump!

THE TRAILER

 

 

THE OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS

“Two friends (Philip Kwok & Lo Meng) who long to be heroes join the fight against a Ching warlord (Lu Feng) and his students. They get help from a Kung Fu student (Sun Chien) and a rebel (Chiang Sheng). They also save Hung Si Quan’s (Pai Piao) life.”

THIS IS WHAT I THOUGHT HAPPENED SINCE I HAD TO READ SUBTITLES AND WATCH ACTION AT THE SAME TIME, HAR HAR HAR

That’s right, The Kwok is back in this one, which makes it a joy.  If I could give out awards for this marathon, the MVP would be the Kwok, with Gordon Liu running a close second.  Anyway, before we begin… did you check out the trailer?  No?  Allow me to call you a slacker then- check out the trailer!  What I’m about to divulge involves said music in the trailer, so you’ll have no idea of what I’m talking about unless you watch it!

Have you watched it yet?

It’s only three minutes long, so that’s more than enough time for you to get things done (that’s what she said)!

HAVE YOU WATCHED IT YET?!

Okay, good… easy there with the bulging eyes and your annoyance at me pestering you to watch a trailer.  It’s not kosher and it’s not cool.  You okay now?  Okay, here’s the deal- did you notice that little bit of music that plays over and over again?

Long ago, I devised a drinking game based around it.

Imagine taking a swig of your favorite alcoholic beverage every time that little musical motif played- since that happens approximately 800 times during the first three minutes, I was so goddamned shitfaced that I hated myself for coming up with the idea.  Then my friend punched me in the face because he was drunk too, and then we got into a fake fight involving me trying to powerbomb him off my balcony because he shouted “MAGIC MISSILE” and then threw a tennis ball at me.

I made seventy-five percent of that up.

Anyway, years ago- said drinking game happened, so I decided to revisit this particular movie during the marathon.  Memories are an odd thing, because once I heard said stinger, I knew I was in for a bit of a ride.

And what a ride it is!

In the first three minutes, amalgams of all of kung fu’s legendary heroes are brutally murdered by Priest White Brows (aka Pai Mei, more on him later this month)- we’re talking guys like San Te from “The 36th Chamber of Shaolin”, so this movie is MAJOR.  One warrior escapes, and it’s off to madcap comedy, as The Kwok and MENG~! (he being Lo Meng, heroic strong man who always dies no matter what movie he’s in) both work at a tofu shop and fucking hate it.  I guess it’s how Axel and Kenzan used to work at Pizza Hut, but with much more martial arts.  The Kwok messes with MENG~! as he’s getting the tofu ready for the day, MENG~! trips up his boss as he gives him shit- it’s like a slacker comedy but with fighting!

Anyway, they’re best buds, and often train in the shop after closing.  Meanwhile, the surviving Shaolin warrior (we will call him… Grey Shirt!), makes his way back to town, and the word’s out that the Shaolin are in some trouble should White Brows and his disciples mobilize.  Some of the neighboring students start getting word of a possible upheaval, and slowly start to side with The Kwok, MENG~! and Grey Shirt.  This leads to an absolutely spectacular sequence The Kwok and another disciple (who I will call Flippy) beat the shit out of a bunch of folks in the tofu shop.  It gets so bad that they just start putting people through tables- one dude tries to get away, and The Kwok is all like, “Hey, uh… what the fuck are you doing?  Put your skull through that table!”  Dude waffles about putting himself through a table, so The Kwok slams him through it headfirst.  The owner of the shop even gets tossed through a wall, so you know that shit just got real.

White Brows’ disciples make a move to wipe everyone out, and in the ensuing fracas, the tofu shop is burned down.  The Kwok, MENG~!, and everyone else head back to the school and beat the shit out of everyone to set up a temporary camp; White Brows’ forces close in and start playing mind games to wear them down through the night.  The Kwok offers up a meal he stole for everyone, and they spend the night sitting around eating and discussing martial arts before the final battle.

Said battle is EPIC~!

What begins as a hand-to-hand affair turns deadly as the Leopard Kid uses his steel ring to get the upper hand on Zhu Cai (aka the Scorpion from The Five Venoms)- Cai, mortally wounded, breaks the Kid’s neck before dying after running into White Brows’ prized student.  This sends the remaining four into a goddamned frenzy, as they break out the weapons and do some dirty work.

Youtube, hook us up!

 

 

If you didn’t watch, they all gang up on White Brows’ master student, completely kill him until he can be killed no more, and then The Kwok and MENG~! go out in an arrowed blaze of glory as everyone else escapes.

Watch the clip- it’s from the American version, but it still shows all the action you need to see.

WHAT I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS MOVIE

This movie made me want to eat tofu, then get a bunch of my friends together and take on the world.  That’s the spirit of brotherhood right there… either that or some weird ass ghetto ritual I just invented.  EXAMPLE:

“Dawg, I got the tofu, is you ready?”

“Jai Ho, I don’t know-“

“NYUCKA IS YOU READY?!  IT’S TIME FOR THA REVOLUTION, PLAYA!”

“…alright, alright.  Pass that wine and that tofu.  Let’s drink and talk about the arts.”

“Word life.  All hail John Cena!”

Hey, it could happen!

Anyway- any movie with any of the Venoms is always fun, and this had four of the five (The Lizard, The Toad, The Centipede, and The Scorpion).  It’s becoming a bit of a treat to see these guys show up in these films, as they always bring their A Game.

While the beginning comedic aspects of the film turned me off initially, I think it makes the end of the film that much better.  The characters themselves never change during the final fight, and they stick with their ideals until the end, which is more than refreshing in an age of “Okay, crank up the guitars and put your serious face on, because the hero’s gonna whoop some ass!”

See, you can learn something from these old films after all, folks.

And now, some pictures!

A SLIGHT CASE OF DEATH

vlcsnap-483206

 

STOP MESSING AROUND IN THE TOFU SHOP, YOU TWO

vlcsnap-483552

 

OH SNAP, YOUR NECK WENT… SNAP

vlcsnap-483724

 

SERIOUSLY, YOU DEAD

vlcsnap-485472

 

ARROWED~! IN A BLAZE OF GLORY

vlcsnap-484328

 

TOMORROW

A nap!  Sike!  It’s time for The Deadly Breaking Sword!