Posted on July 13th, 2009 in Brick Prior, Movies, SHAW-A-DAY-A-THON by Brick Prior

Hook swords, spiteful women, and no partridges in pear trees!  Oh yeah, and just like the drummer from Def Leppard, our hero only has one arm!  This is Day 13!

THE TRAILER

 

THE OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS

“A young woman marries a dying senior member of a martial arts family in order to protect her family’s fortunes, leading to a duel with a greedy relative.”

THIS IS WHAT I THOUGHT HAPPENED SINCE I HAD TO READ SUBTITLES AND WATCH ACTION AT THE SAME TIME, HAR HAR HAR

No, the official synopsis does not do this movie justice.  In fact, that’s not the movie I watched at all- what I saw was a tale of a guy just trying to get through life and live up to his father’s memory (his father “gets got” trying to save his master when our hero is a boy) when the woman he loves cuts his arm off.  Seriously- she goes all batshit crazy him not wanting to fight her and cuts his arm off!  That’s not fair at all!  If that happened to normal people, do you know how many times I would have had my arms cut off?!  Several!  In fact, I would have just had one cut off a second ago for some random thought I had about Megan Fox (the thought in question was: “sometimes she looks like a constipated mouthbreather”, if you must know).

Enough about me!

Where was I- oh yes, arms getting hacked off for no goddamn reason.  Granted, our hero Fang Gang (yes, that is his name… pretty sweet, huh?) is a bit of a hard ass and doesn’t really take any shit from anyone, but that’s no reason for him to lose an arm.  Anyway, Fang hightails it off into the snowy night after his arm gets chopped off, leaving the would-be love of his life and her two buddies to stare at the arm for a bit until the woman’s dad (Master Qi) comes up the trail.  Being no dummy, he sees the arm off the bat and is all “Why the fuck did you kill Fang Gang?  He’s my adopted son!  HIs dad gave his life for me!  Are you fucking stupid?” and the idiots are all like, “He’s not dead, just crippled.  Sue chopped off his arm.”  Pops responds with, “Oh man, that really helps since I’ve got my brother Steve fucking with me and trying to take my land and whatnot.  I oughta beat the shit out of all of you.”

“Our bad,” they say.

“Blah blah blah.  Sue, when you go home, get in the closet.  You better pee before you get there because I’m taking away your goddamn bucket, you Piccadilly heifer.”

So, that’s how that went… at least that’s how that exchange went inside my skull.  The intent is there, but the words are different. 

Don’t hate me, I’m on vacation.

Sooooooo (UHHHHHHHHH), Fang Gang wakes up on a farm, being tended to by a farm girl (We shall call her Paprika.  It’s fun to refer to characters by something other than their actual names.  It’s also how this country was founded, according to a horrible history book.), and Fang starts bitching and complaining about being a cripple and not having his arm and how’s he gonna be able to hold a sword with his right hand if his right hand arm is no longer attached to his body and stuff like that, and Paprika tells him to calm down as he’s just working himself up, and to try and rest and get his strength back.  There is a joke here about he’s only at half strength due to only having one arm, but I’ll leave that one to you, Dear Reader, to sort out for yourself.  Just remember not to bury the punchline.

Fang starts palling around at the farm when a couple of portly sonsabitches show up and start wondering why such a pretty is in their village, which pisses Fang off, so there’s a fight.  Naturally, Fang promptly gets the shit beat out of him after one of the assholes hits him in his stump.

He’s got some training to do, that one!

Meanwhile, at the non-Hall of Justice, this movie’s requisite EVIL DUDE has figured out a way to combat Master Qi’s discples’ sword technique by using one of the greatest inventions known to man: the hook swords.  These things are badass, and can deflect a sword strike like nobody’s business… so they start killing people.  Word gets out to Master Qi that folks are coming for him… I wonder who will save the day?

Fang Gang’s still trying to adjust, and finds out that due to his balance being all screwed up, he can’t use a sword with his left hand.  However, Paprika has the solution- the tattered remains of a book of techniques that detail how to fight with one arm!  All you need is a short sword, a little bit of energon, and a lot of luck!  Meanwhile, the bad guys are busting out short swords and more techniques to take out Qi’s men, and shit promptly gets real as a good portion of Qi’s disciples are taken out.  To make matters worse, there’s a plan to get the rest of them at Qi’s birthday party… but guess who’s been training?!

Fang Gang, being distraught about what he has to do, suckers some of the bad guys into a trap, and due to the phenomenal strength in his left arm (no Spankball jokes, please), kills them with ease.  He then hijacks the birthday party, kills the evil dude, and has his Rambo epilogue moment- basically he explains that all he ever wanted to do was live up to what his father expected of him, and that he’s had enough of fighting. 

With that said, he decides to become a farmer and heads off to meet Paprika to start a new, peaceful life.

That is, until “Return of the One Armed Swordsman” was released and he killed a bunch of people in that as well.

Funny how life works!

WHAT I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS MOVIE

Jimmy Wang Yu is the star of this one, and he pretty much made a career out of playing one-armed dudes- first there was this film, and then he played the One Armed Boxer, and finally wrapped everything up with Master of the Flying Guillotine, in which he played a… one armed boxer again.  I’m indifferent to the martial arts sub-genre of crippled heroes, but the action in this is good, albeit fleeting and sparse.

And I definitely don’t dig psycho broads that cut people’s arms off for no reason.

Maybe that’s another sub-genre, or possibly one of those unknown unknowns.

Or would it be a known unknown?

You decide… after you see these pictures, of course.

DEATH POSE NUMBER 87

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WHO LET HER HAVE A SWORD!?

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CHOPSTICKS, BITCH

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A FARMING WE WILL GO

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TOMORROW

Shaolin Rescuers!  This movie has the most annoying music of all time!