WU-TANG! WU-TANG! WU-TANG!
…isn’t mentioned in this film at all.
But there are a lot of musical samples from it on “Wu-Tang: Enter the 36 Chambers”!
Funny how life works, isn’t it? Cash (might) rule everything around me, C.R.E.A.M. get the money, what does Day 11 bring?!
THE OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS
“The dying master of the powerful Poison Clan assigns his final martial arts student one last, epic quest- find his 5 most mysterious and dangerous disciples, each trained in a different fighting style, and bring them together to root out a conspiracy that could divide and destroy the entire clan.”
THIS IS WHAT I THOUGHT HAPPENED SINCE I HAD TO READ SUBTITLES AND WATCH ACTION AT THE SAME TIME, HAR HAR HAR
First things first, when I become a master of martial arts in my old age, I’m not going to let my prized student hang around while I’m trying to take care of old man business, namely washing my nuts. For fuck’s sake (I’d say, play along with me), “I’m an old man, let me wash my nuts in peace. I don’t need you to pour water into the bath, and I don’t need you to ask questions. “
THIS RECAP IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY OLD MASTER BRICK
Hey, shut up and listen. I’m old, so let me pontificate on things. You! Yes, you! I trained people before you, boy! Goddamnit, don’t ask me who they are, I’m gonna tell you! It was the Poison Clan, you see- five men trained in the five deadliest styles known to man. The Snake, known for his hand speed. The Centipede, he who could hit you so many times it felt like he had one hundred hands and feet. The Lizard, a master of gravity, slippery motherfucker that he is. The Scorpion, quick kicking and versatile. The Toad- that asshole has impenetrable skin and enough strength to topple ten bulls.
I got a problem!
Those son of bitches went off into the world and got on without me! Help me out for a bit, young buck- figure out what they’re doing, and tell me if they’re going after some secret treasure I done squirreled away.
Hold on… what do I have here? Sword of Omens? Well shit, even I know what to do at a time like this!
SWORD OF OMENS, GIVE ME SIGHT BEYOND SIGHT.
…oh, what in the hell is that noise?! I can see in the future! Oh! You’re out in the world- wait! You’re acting like a fucking vagrant, kid! Steal some money and get some clothes, shit! Blend in a bit better, goddamn! Oh, wait- follow those two constables, they look… familiar.
Wait, what the fuck?! Something about a murder?! And some money?!
SWORD OF OMENS, GIVE ME SIGHT BEYOND SIGHT.
Okay okay okay… shit, my students done murdered an old dude for some money! SNAKE?! CENTIPEDE?! WHY?! And Scorpion, what the fuck are you doing there- why are you ruining things for the people?!
THIS IS NOT HOW I WANTED MY SCHOOL TO PROGRESS.
Okay, okay… okay!
Number Six- meaning you, Nameless! It’s up to you- you have to figure out how to- hey, we don’t know that constable! Why are you befriending hi-… oh shit, what? He’s the Lizard?! OH NO HE EVEN TRICKED ME AND MY OLD MAN POWERS! WE GOTTA- WHAT WAIT! THAT’S THE TOAD! TOAD OH BOY I MISSED YOU NOW TEAM UP WITH SIX AND THE LIZARD AND LET’S KILL EVERYONE!
Wait, you wanna draw them out first! Okay, okay, I can dig it, we gotta play this by the rules, yeah- you fuckers are lucky I’m not young, or else I’d use my Kamehameha on everyone. Okay Toad, you got him, you got him… wait, what? Swerve?! NIGGA WHAT. That shit is wrong who we gotta fight to-
Oh, fuck this- SWORD OF OMENS, GIVE ME SIGHT BEYOND SIGHT.
You’re still captured, Toad! What the hell! What the hell! They’ve got you in court, don’t give up your secrets! Fight! That’s right, you dumb son of a bitch, you better fight! You got them all beat now, son- you got them all- WHAT THE FUCK! THE SCORPION JUST HIT YOU IN YOUR WEAK SPOTS! WHY!
WHO ARE YOU, SCORPION?!
OH THEY GOT YOU NOW FOR REAL TOAD!
THAT’S THE GODDAMN IRON MAIDEN, IT’S GOT TEN THOUSAND NEEDLES AND IS THE ONLY THING THAT CAN GET TO YOUR WEAK SPOT!
THEY GOT TO YOUR WEAK SPOT!
YOU BETTER NOT TALK!
YOU BETTER NOT TALK!
Goddamnit, how does this end- SWORD OF OMENS, GIVE ME- OH SHIT THE SWORD HAS FAILED ME.
I think we’re in real time now.
Toad’s dead. I got nothing- hey, wait… Constable #1, what’s going on? I’m so sorry, I’m so- wait, you’re the LIZARD?! HOLY SHIT YOU’RE THE LIZARD?! YOU’VE BEEN A GOOFY ASSHOLE FOR THE PAST SIXTY-FIVE MINUTES!
Number Six- it’s up to you and- oh shit, you guys are training to take out Snake and Toad already!
Okay, okay, you guys are going to finish them off! Nice! Now, if only you could just find the Scorpion! Where is he?! Where is he?! Oh wait, you guys found the Lizard’s partner…hey, why is he dressed so funny?!
Okay, you guys are cool with it. I don’t dig the open vest, though.
So now, EVERYONE FIGHTS! Holy shit, my students are going at it and- hey wait! ODDLY DRESSED DUDE! YOU’RE FIGHTING NOW! OH GODDAMN, YOU’RE THE SCORPION!
I NEVER SAW IT COMING!
SON OF A… YES, SON OF A SON OF A BITCH!
TEAM UP AND KILL THEM, LIZARD AND NAMELESS!
Let’s bring it down. Let’s find the center, let’s find the way of the master-
Shut the fuck up, Other Blaxploitation Voice, we have business to deal with!
Okay, okay… oh- the Snake just got… er, got! I never got the reasoning behind that saying, but it’s up to you guys versus the Scorpion and the Centipede- oh… the Snake just died and the Snake fired back on the Scorpion! He just punctured his guts!
I might have got that wrong- don’t judge me, I’m an old man!
Anyway, it’s Nameless and the Lizard versus the Centipede and the Sco- oh, their goes the Centipede! The Scorpion is mortally wounded! He kicks! He kicks! He kicks! He fails! He is bleeding and dead! My good students win!
Since I’m an old man, I can now rest in peace.
WHAT I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS MOVIE
I love this movie- it’s timeless in the set-up (the last pupil of a dying master goes out to unite his fellow students), and becomes part heist movie, part conspiracy, and all-around ass kicking film. The choreography is amazing, and it’s easy to see how this movie inspired countless others. The physicality of the “Venoms” goes without saying- this is the film that made them stars, and it’s never been more apparent than this one. Hell, I remember seeing Phillip Kwok in “Hard Boiled” before I ever saw this movie… and that was damn near fifteen years ago,.
…no, I didn’t mean to date myself.
Here are some pictures!
GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME KID, I’M TRYING TO SOAK MY PRIVATES
YOU HIGH-KICKING, PLATE BREAKING SON OF A BITCH
I USED TO BE ABLE TO DO THIS
We record our podcast! Send in questions about SHAW-A-DAY-A-THON! Tomorrow’s film will be… Five Element Ninja! Warrning: IT’S GOT NINJAS.