What would I do if I was a paranoid emperor, you ask? Build a goddamn death trap in my house, of course. Hey wait, that’s what happens in this movie! Hooray!
THE OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS
“From the creator of the popular Deadly Venoms martial arts series comes the most diabolical entry of them all! The incredible Venoms, a team of skilled fighters, unleash their fury in a bloody frenzy when they infiltrate a mysterious, treasure-filled house designed to entrap and destroy all those who enter it– as fiendishly and creatively as possible! One of the rarest and most-requested Shaw Brothers action masterpieces, now presented restored and uncut in all its outrageous glory! Includes the original Chinese language version (with English subtitles) as well as the extremely rare original English dubbed track!”
THIS IS WHAT I THOUGHT HAPPENED SINCE I HAD TO READ SUBTITLES AND WATCH ACTION AT THE SAME TIME, HAR HAR HAR
This is an odd movie. This is also the final “Venoms” movie, the “Venoms” being the folks that rose to stardom due to the “Five Deadly Venoms” movie… so yeah, were you with any other internet personality, we’d launch into a hardcore deal about how the Venoms are majorly important and all that.
Since I am Brick Prior, Fictional Internet Personality Extraordinaire, I can say anything and make my words fact. Yes, the “Venoms” are important. They are gods. Fear them and their martial arts prowess.
But the bulk of this movie is boring.
I say that because… well, it is. It’s part period political shenanigans, part action movie, and I’m sorry… but that’s not my bag. It’s all or nothing around these parts- either your commit or you don’t. I hate to say it, but there was too much “talking” in this one.
Let me try to “recap” things!
A bunch of treasures are stolen from various houses in the land. One dude, he being the mightiest of… all things mighty, decides to hide all that shit in his house. Since he’s paranoid, he builds a bunch of traps in his domicile. People are scared! The house is held in a “feared” status due to all the traps! OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL.
What are the traps, you ask?
Once you enter the House, the sectioned portions of the wall spin open to reveal a bunch of warriors. If you can kill them all, the floor grows some spikes. If you try to run up the razor bladed staircase, it turns on you, you lose a foot, and get impaled on the spikes below. There are also spiked pillars if you make it that far… but, hehehe, that’s foreshadowing.
The Dude, Mightiest of the Mighty, somehow procures (Bob Backlund, we miss you) a list of the people that will rebel against him, and puts it in the House. START A FUCKING RUMOR, BECAUSE THE LIST IS IN THE HOUSE, AND PEOPLE NEED TO GO GET IT.
You have to save the Revolution (and Prince) after all.
The movie becomes all about people manipulating their way into the House, as this plan has apparently been in the works for the ages. One dude is so far inside, he doesn’t even blink an eye as someone makes their way into the house and gets caught up in all the shit. Said other dude makes his way past the men, is able to avoid the spikes, and he even makes it around the razor bladed staircase, but- I SAY GODDAMN, THERE ARE SPEARED NETS COMING TO GET THIS ASSHOLE! ARROWED! HE DEAD!
And here’s where the Venoms come in. They’re tilling the land when they get word that the last son of a bitch to take on the House has died, and you never see the remaining four until they head to the House themselves. It’s an awesome moment for kung-fu fans, and I even got chills when I realized what was going on. This is the last official “Venoms” film, so it’s gotta mean something, right?
Why the fuck didn’t I get these films into something resembling an order?!
Anyway, everyone finally gets into the House after some shenanigans with masks and scaring people and whatnot.
BACK IN THE DAY: Long long ago, I could do a really good Ghostface (from Scream) voice. I didn’t even need a voice modulator. Beer ruined that, though.
Someone killed a chicken on camera to divine some secrets or some shit. That never worked for me, and according to legend, I’m supposed to know all that shit.
Then again, I’m not considered to be “black” by some folks.
LONG RUNNING JOKE ON THE INTERNET THAT WAS CONFIRMED IN REAL LIFE, SADLY.
There’s a bunch of hossenfeffer about things, one of The Dude’s people thinks he has the inside track on everything, so they torture that asshole- he gets tripped onto a bed of nails, and then everyone kicks him around until he’s “almost” dead. Yes, he rolls on the bed of nails as they kick him. It’s painful to watch.
Meanwhile, the Venoms make their way into the house, avoiding the steps and everything and all that and hey! Do you remember when Kenan Thompson was on “All That”? I don’t know about you, but for me it’s very jarring to see hahahahaha if you read all of that previous sentence, then you’re actually reading this and I congratulate you. Continue reading, and you have Galvatron’s respect.
The Venoms are in, and they get just a tad bit too cocky, which means that one of them takes a pillar of spikes to the chest. Their older brother takes this time to make his way into the House, as the other brother has shuffled off his mortal coil, and after recovering the various treasures, they all make their way towards the Prince who has it all.
AND THERE IS A FIGHT!
As everyone fights everyone else, the KING OF KINGS (not God, just the man in charge) is confronted about the list and promptly kills himself. His Best Man has the list via a sword to the gut, so he tells everyone that he has said list. He eats it, since it’s the smart thing to do. They tear him apart as the dude that set everything up just grins.
What a movie.
WHAT I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS MOVIE
Technically, this is one of the best martial arts movies I’ve ever seen… I’ve just never had the patience to watch it continuously in one sitting.
And I still don’t. There’s too much exposition in between the fights. Usually I can just grin and bear that shit, but with this one… I dunno what the hell is up with this one. Ask anyone that knows me legitimately- I am a very patient man… but if something irritates me…
Oh boy, if something irritates me…
Then.. well, Brick Smash. Brick go nuts, Brick rant about things and use four letter words in public, Brick’s voice go high when he doesn’t want it too, Brick think criminals are cowardly and superstitious lot, so Brick become…
I’d like to say this: I realize that I cannot “recap” these movies adequately every day, and by that I mean that I am doing all of you a great disservice with these day-by-day “Shaw Brothers” fueled shenanigans. These are films that you should watch on your own, for better or for worse. If I can set you on the path, then awesome. I am all about cinematic enlightenment, after all.
Needless to say, if I see you on the regular- ask me to borrow a flick or two.
You know who you are.
And now… pictures!
TRAPPED VIA IMPALEMENT!
GOING OUT FOR YOUR BROTHERS’ SAKE
THIS IS THE FACE OF A MAN THAT WILL NOT LOOK THROUGH SOME SHIT FOR A LIST
Let’s get happy, people! It’s time for Super Inframan!