Posted on July 2nd, 2009 in Brick Prior, Movies, SHAW-A-DAY-A-THON by Brick Prior

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: a monk, a pig, The Monkey King, and a friar are all off on an adventure. The monk gets kidnapped by a cave full of spider women, so it’s up to his friends to save him.

Awesome, right?

Did I mention that this was a kids’ movie?

No?

Okay, did I mention that this was also part musical… in Mandarin no less?

No?

Well, yeah. This month is bringing the pain early.

THE OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS

“In this wild installment in the popular Journey to the West series, three hapless adventurers — Monkey, Pig, and Friar Sand — and their master, Xuanzhang, stumble upon the lair of the seductive Seven Spiders, who are bent on achieving immortality by eating monks’ flesh. Brace yourself for freaky fun and high-flying adventures from beginning to end, with psychedelic sets and costumes adding to the action-packed mayhem!”

THE TRAILER

 

 

THIS IS WHAT I THOUGHT HAPPENED SINCE I HAD TO READ SUBTITLES AND WATCH ACTION AT THE SAME TIME, HAR HAR HAR

Gotta say- I was not expecting a musical. Subtitled musicals are an interesting thing, because the translations never match the music… especially when the song is about how small a woman’s feet are. Did you know that “the garden is adorned with flowers” goes with no P. Diddy jam I’ve ever heard in my life?  Uh huh, yeah (see what I did there?!).  Shenanigans!

Anyway, yep. This is a kids’ movie!

For those of you that don’t quite know the legend of The Monkey King, here’s the really short ignorant version (psst: I know you don’t like to read, but you gotta try. This is the Internet. You can’t just flame folks all day without reading the words involved… even if you make them up and “kant spel”): The Monkey King was hatched from an egg, is all powerful, is a big ol’ trickster, and gets into wacky adventures with a priest, a pig, and a friar. This story is also the basis of “Dragonball”, but don’t read “Journey to the West” or watch this film expecting any Kamehamehas or whatnot. Ich bein fun, and no, that’s not real German.

So, what happens in this film?

Well!

What deadly web the opening titles weave!  Would you believe that long, long ago, moviegoers didn’t have to wait to see the opening titles?!  No, True Believers, once upon a time you could go see a movie and immediately know what you were seeing.  This movie is like that, except it has a bunch of broads with six arms singing and dancing in front of spider webs in the beginning.  It’s what would happen if Wicked City’s TENTACLE BEAST MAN decided to direct an opening sequence, I suppose… except without GRATUITIOUS BEWBAGE.

So, these spider women see the Monkey King and company headed towards their neck of the woods, and they take a shine to Pig, who… looks like a fat humanoid pig.  Pig and the Gals sing songs to one another, while the Monkey King continuously fucks around with Pig, changing fruits to rocks and morphing into one of the women and goofing around like that, eventually turning Pig into a tree as the women come a callin’.

THEN THERE BE’S A FIGHT!

The fight scenes are pretty cool, as everyone spins around to magically produce their weapons from subspace, and the soundtrack turns into nothing but clashing cymbals and castanets and what not, giving it an awesome old-timey feel.  While Monkey King’s fighting the spider women (capturing their little sister in the process), the others attack Xuanzhang and Friar Sand, kidnapping the former. They want him because his monk flesh is tasty, you see.  Monkey goes after the other women, and we’ve got a six-to-eight women on one Monkey King battle going on, and again… NO CGI!

Huttah!

Friar Sand and Pig play catch up as the women weave a huge ass spider web, keeping the trio away from rescuing the monk.  Monkey King, who is eighty-six times smarter than Son Goku, suggests to go see the Earth Lord, so they do just that- however, the Earth Lord is away, so The Earth Maiden fills them in on the details.  Monkey and company decide to wait for the Earth Lord… who is busy cavorting with the spider ladies!

WHAT?!

Actually, he’s just walking through the forest, but one of them conks him on the head with a rock, so one of the sisters takes his identity and decides to trick the Earth Maiden.  The maiden reveals that Monkey has been asking for a treasure to break the web, and the fake Lord says that the way to get in the web is in the sisters’ cave, so… THERE IS TRICKERY AFOOT.

Here’s the fake plan- Monkey King’s gotta free a demon and follow it back to the cave so he can get in and save his MASTAH~! Monkey and Friar Sand figure they can use Pig to free the demon girl (the chick they trapped from before), follow her into the cave, and get their master out.  Pig gets transformed into an actual goddamn pig, and the broad snatches him up and hightails it to the cave.  Monkey and Friar Sand follow, and it’s all tense and stuff… until Monkey says “fuck it” and charges the web, almost setting himself on fire!

Monkey’s all, “Look, let that asshole go and I won’t hurt everyone there!”

The women are all, “Hehehehehehe!  NO.”

Monkey says, “DICK AT YA!” and promptly kills himself by running into the web.  Seriously.  Pure skeleton.  It’s in the trailer.

But!

He’s a trickster, so while the spider sisters thinks he’s dead, he reappears and tries to come up with another way in.

Earth Lord wakes up from getting knocked out, calls on the Earth Maiden, and they both realize that THEY’VE BEEN DUPED.  They go to find the Monkey King, who is busy playing dead.  Friar Sand hooks up with the Earth Family, and spills his guts about the situation, and wants to know where the web-breaking weapon is.   Earth Lord tells him about the Seven Fires and gives it to him; now we’re in pure “Six Demon Bag” territory, as the Seven Fires is nothing but the Seven Fires- no more, no less.  You can’t explain it… it just is.

Except that it comes in a jar. 

Hrm.

Anyway, Friar Sand heads off, and the Earth Lord & Maiden head off as well… just as Some Random Demon Motherfucker shows up.  Seriously, no name for this dude- he just turns into a human and skedaddles into the Cave… AND GUESS WHO FOLLOWS HIM?!

Good ol’ Monkey King, who is seriously having a ball with all of the dancing and festivities going on.  It turns out that Some Random Demon Motherfucker is an old demon named Wugong, and is a lover of the Red Sister.  Piggy’s caught again, and he’s depressed.  Somewhere in here there’s a song about Xuanzhang wanting to get married but he can’t because his master won’t allow it- NEWSFLASH, YOU’RE A GODDAMN MONK SO YOU AIN’T GETTIN’ MARRIED, BAWH. 

BUT!

IT’S PIGGY, SO… SWERVE!

He’s got two songs in a row, and while the words phonetically match the music, I still don’t know what’s going on.

So… back to the trickery!

The sisters get tricked due to all of Pig’s singing, and murder one of their own.  Monkey takes another’s identity, and get them to think that the real sister is the fake one, so the sisters are now down to SIX from EIGHT.

CONFUSING IT IS BUT WHATEVER.

Cut over to Wugong and his woman, and they decide to get the Seven Fires from Friar Sand.  Monkey intervenes here, beating the crap out of Wugong and turning him back to demon form… and wouldn’t ya know it, Monkey starts causing havoc, fighting everyone and what not.  Everyone takes this opportunity to escape, but Wugong goes after them disguised as the Monkey King.  The real Monkey shows up, Xuanzhang gets kidnapped again, and it’s a huge brawl that ends with Friar Sand, Monkey, and Pig beating Wugong to death with their weapons. 

KIDS’ MOVIE!

The Red Sister gets killed by her other sisters, but what the hell does Monkey have- OH WAIT, IT’S THE SEVEN FIRES!  THEY BURN THAT FUCKING CAVE DOWN!  XUANZHANG IS REUNITED WITH HIS FRIENDS!  THE MONKEY KING AND HIS BUDDIES DESTROY EVERYTHING AND IT’S MOVIE OVER TIME!

No, seriously.  The cave blows up and that’s it.

Goddamn awesome ending for a musical!

THIS IS WHAT I THOUGHT OVERALL

This one was a lot of fun, but very complicated.  Lots of twists and turns and trickery, but that’s to be expected with the Monkey King involved.  A funny note- this is actually part three of a five part series… think I can find the rest somewhere?

D-don’t answer that.

And now, a picture.

AND FIRE MAKES YOU DEAD, BITCHES

monkey fire

TOMORROW

DVD Stack, what say you?  “Heaven and Hell” with the Five Venoms in it?  Oh dear…