In the tradition of Monday Mashup and other assorted Brick Prior (Brack Prorror?) columns, welcome to the first edition of Office Hours. It’s the same thing, but less funny angry and more dull obscure.

- Which begs the question, which would be more boring? My fake facts, or my real facts? I still say the real ones.

- The title for this column, by the way, comes from the fact that I am writing this during my actual office hours. Because no one ever comes. That’s what she said.

- I’d like to get Rick Prior to do a guest spot on the Podcast, but we record on Sunday nights, and he’s still partying from Friday.

- Baseball is coming back soon, and I don’t know why, but I just can’t get as into it as I can other sports. And I have no idea why. It has everything I want—tons of strategy involved in a single game and in the long term, a long season, great drama, well structured and useful developmental system, it’s extremely inclusive and diverse—but I don’t know. I can’t get excited for some reason.

- And at first, I thought it was because of the steroids, but that doesn’t make sense either, because I love football and basketball and those guys do way worse things to themselves and others than baseball players do. Baseball players are on average clean cut, humble guys, which again makes me wonder why I can’t into it. What’s wrong with me!

- And on top of that, college sports are extremely corrupt, but I can watch any college football or basketball game knowing full well that the kids are being exploited.

- With the Friday the 13th remake/reboot/REIMAGINEERING getting decent feedback, what are some other movies—sci-fi, horror, whatever—that could use an honest remake? Obviously, Blade Runner is off limits… but what about Alien(s)? Or are the wounds of AvP still too fresh?

- Speaking of, we have gotten a lot of grief in private about the Van Helsing hate, because people either liked it or saw what the filmmakers were going for and kind of looked passed the awfulness. So… what could be done differently?

- This brings me to something I don’t like about a lot of fans. We are happy to bitch and moan about how something sucks, but no one ever a) offers any constructive ways that The Project could be improved, or b) makes any effort to do something on their own.

- [Insert relevant line from High Fidelity here.]

- Which I realize I am guilty of, but do as I say and all that.

- How much of a down turn has Heroes taken since the first season? If there was a show that should be REIMAGINEERED while still on the air, it’s that one. Pretend this is all some fever dream Peter has been suffering since the conclusion of season one, and get this train back on the tracks. The powers were supposed to be some kind of naturally occurring phenomena, but now they’re on the verge of saying the powers come from tiny parasites or some dumb George Lucasian shit like that. In the words of Rick Prior, BRITCHES PLEASE. If you wanted to play fast and loose and write fanfic for your own show and be like “I wander wut it would b like if matt park man culd paint the future” than maybe you should have designed the show to be stupid in the first place. Mohinder is supposed to be an intellectual, not some Kafka-esque superstrong monster. Do you think Ali Larter has convinced the producers that she’s really three different actresses and needs three paychecks? AND WHERE’S THE CURL?! AND WHERE’S HIS RAYMOND STEREO NINJA COUSIN!?

- And yes, since we recorded the Podcast last night, I have still been thinking about the Meat Ship and simulating naval battles.

- My Office Hours are over, time to go teach.

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