Posted on November 1st, 2008 in A Horror A Day, Brick Prior, Movies by Brick Prior

And now… the end is near, and so I face… the final curtain…

…wait, I did this yesterday, didn’t I?

Fuck it, let’s go all out.

Ahem.  

My friends, I’ll say it clear,
I won’t bullshit you, of that I’m certain

I’ve watched some things that most folks won’t
I’ve spun more DVDs than I thought I could play
And the fun thing about all of this…
I did it myyyyyy way!

Alcoholic drinks, Ive had a few;
But then again, too many to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw these movies through without exemption.

I planned each night that passed
Each bloody film that I would play
But more, much more than this…
I did it myyyyyyy way!

Yes, there were times- I’m sure you knew
When I watched so much bullshit I wanted to spew
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit that crap out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way!

I’ve loved Eighties broads, I’ve laughed, and cried at visual pain.
Ive had my fill; my share of tittystabbing.
And now, as haunted tears subside,
I find it all so amusing…

To think I did all that- I did not stab any cats;
And may I say – not in a shy way,
No, got damn’t not me,
I did it my way!

For what is a horror movie watching man, what has he got?
If not himself and an axe, then he has fucking naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took those hatchet blows -
And did it myyyyyyyyyyy way!
 

I couldn’t resist.  Let’s get on with it!

TODAY’S FIRST FILM:  Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead

Troma is back, hombres!  Personally, I own more Troma films than someone of my social stature should possess, but that’s only because I rock the house and have beat Brodie Lee in Photon only 800 times.

In a row.

I picked up Troma’s latest opus on the hopes that it would surpass the likes of The Toxic Avenger, Citizen Toxie, Tromeo and Juliet, and Terror Firmer… and much to my surprise, it did.  Granted, you can’t really rank Troma films directed by Lloyd Kauffman because they’re all defined by the social climate that they were produced in, so ya know… fuck a goddamn critical look at this film.

Let’s get on with the art!

THE TRAILER


THE RECAP, BRICK PRIOR STYLE

God.  Damn.

Let it be noted that I was assisted with watching this film by forum goer (and longtime purveyor of doom) Lord Tiberius Methadone, as we watched it in tandem thanks to the powers of modern technology.  While guffawing at all the chicanery involved in this film, we realized one thing:

1) We were missing a Lemmy (from Motorhead) cameo.

and,

2)  Nothing will top the opening scene.

I’ve seen a lot of movies that start in a graveyard with two people humping, but this is the first film that involves the girl getting felt up by numerous zombie hands, the dude getting a zombie finger shoved up his ass and liking it, and the caretaker jacking off to the dude getting the zombie finger shoved up his ass while he’s banging his girlfriend… only for them to get grossed out by the whole public masturbation thing and not the whole GETTING VIOLATED BY ZOMBIES ON AN ANCIENT INDIAN BURIAL GROUND thing.

I forgot to mention that as the caretaker is sniffing the dude’s underpants (yeah), one of the zombie hands promptly rams up his asshole, pops out the guy’s mouth, and yanks the undies back out his asshole.

Like I said… art.

It’s Troma Time!

So, we head on but without the fast forward, and get to the meat (it ain’t chicken) of the plot- Tromaville is opening a new fast food restaurant named American Chicken Bunker, and it’s been opened right where Arby (the dude) and Wendy (the chick) tried to consummate their relationship but were interrupted by the masturbating caretaker that died via a zombie hand through the ass.

Oh, and Wendy is now a lesbian.

SHOCKING TWIST!

Me and Tiberius laughed our asses off at this, but got real quiet once the singing started,  I don’t know if Lord Tiberius digs musicals, but I don’t.  Granted, I hate it when people sing in public, I hate random singing on TV shows, and I just hate any form of singing that usually isn’t required.  Yes, I can tolerate it when folks sing the National Anthem, but only when it is actually asked of them to do so, and when it isn’t a reject American Idol singer doing the singing.  Pre-crack Whitney Houston you get a pass, Contestant Number Six, you do not.

I have a lot of requirements for when I can accept singing in public/in my presence.  Just letting you know.

Anyway, the movie goes on, and we’re introduced to a multitude of stereotypical characters that make fun of stereotypes, if that makes sense.  Denny is the militant black man that was lucky enough to run a franchise arm of ACB due to his grammamma’s money.  Hammas’ name isn’t pronounced like the terrorist group, but like the food.  Paco Bell is a stereotypical Mexican archetype that turns out to be a stereotypical gay guy in the end.  Needless to say, they all take a backseat to what’s actually happening in the movie- this arm of ACB has been built on top of an ancient Indian burial ground, and they are pissed! 

So, here’s what happens!

Arby has fantasies of getting back with his girlfriend- folks laugh at him for humping the cash register in real life.  Paco tries to jack off in the meat mixer and gets tossed into it by a possessed chicken.

Did I mention that the chickens were taking over?

No?

Sorry.

Anyway, the Colonel is trying to cover things up and forces people to eat his possessed "chicken" parts.  People come back as chicken zombies.  Lots of folks die. 

Pretty much everyone dies, actually… because Troma’s signature car crash is used to its fullest extent, and it is awesome.

Lord Tiberius dug it, and so did I.

Unfortunately… there was pain to be had.

TODAY’S SECOND FILM:  Prom Night (2008)

I hate J.D. Kenzan.  He is a best friend among friends, but goddamn I hate him so much for making me deal with this shit.  Granted, I did not have to go through with it, but hey- sometimes I take on challenges that are bad for my sanity.  I’ve seen some shit movies in my day (which is why I took the challenge to watch this particular film), but goddamn- this is some horseshit.

THE TRAILER


THE RECAP, BRICK PRIOR STYLE

For those that really want to know- I snagged the "unrated" cut of this movie since I thought there would be some other grue besides some run-of-the-mill gut stabbing.

I was wrong.

This movie is I Know What You Did Last Summer for the new millenium, much like "The Fast and The Furious" was the "Point Break" of the new millenium, only this movie is lacking Jennifer Love Hewitt’s awesome cleavage.

Which means… it is horrid.

This is a complete "unrated" movie yet is relatively bloodless, and turns out to be a by-the-numbers affair- a young girl sees her mother get gutted in front of her due to an obsessive teacher taking his student crush a bit too far- fast forward to PROM NIGHT, and that asshole broke out of prison to get him some of that almost legal ass.

What follows is a skeleton plot of a movie molded around many gut stabbings and one throat slashing.

Said girl (played by Brittany Snow, who I’d heard was a hottie but looks like she’s thirty-four trying to desparately hold onto when she was eighteen in this one) is going to prom with her best friends, and everything’s oh-so-nice, but hey!  The psycho’s there!  Stabbing commences!  It’s nuts.

It’s a completely pedestrian affair, folks.  I can’t even psych myself up to get pissed off about it.  Listen to the upcoming podcast as I’m sure I’ll be able to properly express my frustration there rather than in a  bland text fashion.  Folks go up to the third floor, they get stabbed.  Two people have a fight, one goes up to the room, she gets stabbed, boyfriend goes up to "apologize", gets drunk, he gets stabbed, everyone gets stabbed and it’s fucking "crazy", the end.

Oh, uh… bullets kill the killer thanks to the smart black cop.

Who knew those existed in movies?

The preferred exchange for black cops would go something like this:

"Officer Tate, I need you to-"

"YOU WANT ME TO GO WHRRRRR???  I AIN’T GOIN’ NOWHERE YOU GOT ALL THEM OTHER PEOPLE WHY I GOTS TO GO THURRRR?!  YOU SEND VASQUEZ OR FUCKIN’ OFFICER SMITH TO GO DEAL WITH THAT SHIT- MUTHAFUCKA WITH A KNIFE TRYIN TO STAB PEOPLE AND YOU WANT ME TO GO THURRRRRRRRR, FUCK THAT- PEOPLE GET MAD WHEN I DRAW MY GUN SO WHY THE FUCK I GOT TO GO SOMEWHERE WHERE I MIGHT HAVE TO DRAW MY GUN?!  SHIT, DON’T YOU KNOW SOMEONE OTHER THAN Y’ALL OR THEM OTHER MUTHAFUCKAS MIGHT SHOOT MY ASS?!  THE FUCK AM I DOIN’ AS A POLICEMAN ANYWAY?!  I CAN’T PLAY BASKETBALL AND I CAN’T SELL ROCKS, SO MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE FUCKIN’ BEEN A LAWYER OR SOME SHIT!  FUCK!"

…is what I’m used to in a nutshell.

…I’m just saying.

So, yeah.  Kenzan, enjoy Blood and Chocolate, ehehehehehe!

THIS MONTH’S FINAL FILM:  Wild Zero

Oh, goddamn.  Goddamn, goddamn, goddamn.

Son of a fucking bitch.  Stupid ass drinking game.

The rules are simple…

Take a drink anytime:

+Someone drinks
+Someone combs their hair
+Fire shoots out of anything
+Anyone says "Rock and Roll"
+Something explodes
+A zombie’s head pops off

No one human will survive this movie if you play by those rules.  I’ve tried several times, but never made it past the first forty-five minutes. 

Until tonight,

THE TRAILER

Yes, I’m writing this up with a bit of a buffer between what happened earlier tonight.  Let’s just say that my new drink of Mountain Dew and Knob Creek whiskey was a bad idea- my stomach tried to eat itself.  I am going to be awake for a long time.

Here’s the plot recap:

Aliens head towards Earth.  A punk rock fan named Ace is psyched to see Guitar Wolf, his most favorite band.  He goes to see them; as Guitar Wolf gets stiffed by the venue’s promoter.  Ace stumbles in upon the shenanigans, the promoter’s finger is shot off, and Ace and Guitar Wolf become blood brothers.

Meanwhile, Tobio, random wandering chick that she is, scares someone off because she has a dick.

Yeah, it’s a movie to remember.

So, some folks try to rob a gas station while Tobio’s there, Ace saves her, and zombies fuck everything else up because they’re zombies and they do that kind of thing.  Soon enough, it’s up to Ace and Guitar Wolf to save the day.

To be honest, I don’t have the strength to recap this film fully- it is that nutty.  Granted, I was half dead after the first half hour, but that’s what happens when you follow the rules.  Here’s the "highlights" of the film:  there are topless women in the shower firing guns, entrails being eaten, lost loves found, love breaking all sorts of boundaries, and crazy lightning throwing involved.  No matter how I try to write it up, I can’t do it justice.  I am, however, bringing the DVD to Nekocon… so, if you’re in the area… BOOSH.

In the end, all I can say is… ROCK AND ROLL!

BRICK’S FINAL WORDS FOR THE MONTH OF OCTOBER

I ended things with three movies because I could.  The drinking game portion was originally going to be an IRC event, but since I couldn’t create enough pod people for a proper crowd to type encouraging words to me as I destroyed my liver and pissed a lot, I decided against it.  Poultrygeist was one of the "unannounced" movies, and "Prom Night 2K8" was because Kenzan wouldn’t leave me alone… and that’s how things ended up.  To be honest, this is a month to remember.  I set off on this forced cinematic journey thinking it’d be a bit of a lark, but I didn’t expect what I’d actually do to myself- let’s face it, some of these films are a bunch of shit in a bag.  Others are just a tad worse.  A few are slightly better, but let’s face it- I killed a fuckload of brain cells this month all in the name of horror.  It got to the point where I’d come home from work going, "Huh- I hope I’m in store for a new perspective on these kills!", which is rather sad, if you ask me.

Don’t get me wrong- if you are a horror fan, then this was the month for you.  I hope I gave you some new, slightly psychotic insight to a few movies you might have seen before.  My apologies to any of my fellow horror fans that were put off by this list, but hey- I had to go with what I knew and what I could get my hands on.  Now, if people are willing to send me their own horror movies* for next year’s shindig (yes, I will do it again… I now have time to prepare), then I’m down.  Other than that, I will pick through my own collection and watch whatever.

And, about those frequently threatened movies that I didn’t hit this month- well… it’s still October somewhere on some alternate Earth, so… I don’t think I’m done just yet.

Otherwise… somebody get me a bowl of Wheaties, because I need a nap.

*Yes, you can send your independent horror movies to me.  I will review them.  It’s a promise. Contact me via the forums for more info.

What are people saying about "A Horror A Day"?

Brick Prior
Re: A Horror A Day

Day 2!
DrDetroit
Re: A Horror A Day

I enjoy A Horror A Day!
Brick Prior
Re: A Horror A Day

I'm happy that you enjoy it!  Here is Day 3!
Brick Prior
Re: A Horror A Day

It's like the fate of the world depends on me!  Day 4!
DrDetroit
Re: A Horror A Day

This is awesome.  This is making me want to bust out some old zombie movies and take a mental health day.  Maybe next week!

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