Posted on October 30th, 2008 in A Horror A Day, Brick Prior, Movies by Brick Prior

What the- a cliffhanger?!  How did yesterday end? Did I get the Power Rangers in trouble yet again?!  What’s all this nonsense about a meteor about to crash into the earth if we don’t close the seven seals and make sure that Satan and army of evil capuchin monkeys don’t rule the day?!

Do what now?!

HELP ME! 

TODAY’S FILM: The Mother of Tears

The final installment of Dario Argento’s "Three Mothers" trilogy has a lot to live up to.  Can it match the crazy cinematography (ALL THE COLORS OF THE RAINBOW ARE AT HIS DISPOSAL… UNTIL NOW) of the previous two entries?  Hell no.  Is it as wacked out as the previous two movies?  Hell yes.

The results below might just shock you, but don’t take my word for it… watch the trailer!

THE TRAILER

THE RECAP, BRICK PRIOR STYLE

Once again, I don’t know what the fuck I just watched.  This is, of course, a good thing: when a horror movie makes me actually think about what just happened (and not in a bad way), then I feel like I got my money’s worth.

Here’s how it all goes down:

NOTE: I’m probably making half this shit up due to delirium.

A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, get your goddamned Star Wars out my horror movie because I have a bad feeling about this opening.  Actually, there’s no scrolling text, that was just me being an asshole with my foreshadowing skills.  Anyway, a bunch of workers come across a cask with an urn inside, and this is turned over to an art institute in Rome.  We’re introduced to Sara (NOT THAT NAME AGAIN) and her boss Giselle, and Giselle’s all giddy about getting the urn, while Sara looks like she hasn’t slept in 800 years and could care less.

Seriously.

SIDE NOTE:  Sara is played by Asia Argento, who is in a record book somewhere under "Hottie With Tattoos Brick Prior Doesn’t Understand Because Tattoos Are Personal To The Walking Canvas That Is The Tattoo Recpient And Not The Person Looking At The Person With The Tattoos, Hence Meanings Of Tattoos Will Be Muddled And Lost Over Time For People Other Than The Tattoo Recipient", but she really should have got some sleep before shooting, because GOT DAMN, she’s toting more eye luggage than she knows what to do with, knamsayin’?

They go to open the cask, and Giselle’s a little too active with the exacto-knife (it happens to the best of us) and cuts herself, bleeding all over it.  Sara goes off to get something, and Giselle starts reading shit on the cask which makes a bunch of demons come out and attack her.  They get one of those old fashioned drill bit things that were used to force slaves to eat, and break her jaw and bust her teeth out because they don’t like being summoned all that much.

Then they gut her.

Her intestines start falling out, so they do the next best thing and start strangling her with her own guts.  Once she finally dies, they begin to rip her apart and feed… and then Sara spies on all this mess and runs away, kicking the movie off in style.

Seriously, that was the first ten minutes.  It blows Suspiria’s beginning out of the water, personally.  Of course, there’s also a killer monkey chasing Sara down and bellowing to his demon friends that she’s running away, but I’m biased to killer monkeys because I write for a website that’s dedicated to Gorilla Attacks.

…what the fuck website do I write for again?  Email me and let me know!

Anyway, an evil monkey is chasing our heroine, but she’s trapped by a few locked doors, until she hears a voice telling her to open the door.  Sure enough, she’s able to open the door and she escapes!  Fucking crazy shit, huh?  A disembodied voice telling you that you can do something and you end up doing it!  I wonder…

The cops show up and don’t believe Sara’s crazy story about the killer monkey and his demonic pals, so they laugh her right the fuck out of there.  She shacks up with the curator of the joint, they talk about his son, and I wonder if it’s a plot point in the making. 

Meanwhile, someone has turned on the "Crazy Pedestrians" code in "GTA: Rome", and folks are going nuts.  Some lady tosses her baby off a bridge, other people smash cars, all sorts of shit is going nuts.  It’s good to see that the evil that the Third Mother brings to the table isn’t isolated to just a dance school or an apartment building- a whole goddamn city is shitting itself due to violent tendencies, which means the stakes are that much fucking higher.

Good way to end it all, man!

The curator boyfriend dude’s son gets kidnapped, so he goes off on his own quest (off camera, of course) to try and find him.  Other witches arrive, and they’re dressed and dubbingly sound like they’re rejected extras from Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-a-rama, which means that I’m in a very comfortable hell, or one odd slice of heaven.  They start chasing Sara around, but she corners one of them on a train and pops her eyeball out with a train door.

DON’T FUCK WITH MRS. NO SLEEP!

Sara’s busy looking for answers and goes to a priest who lays it all down for her, recapping the plots of Suspiria and Inferno in the process.  See, that’s how you tie things (and the room) together.  Unfortunately, one of his assistants goes crazy and cuts his throat before slicing his ankles while he tries to run away, and then introduces his skull to the business end of a meat cleaver before offing herself by cutting her own throat.  Sara is distraught (duh), but is comforted by another of the priest’s assistants- she reveals that Sara’s mom died fighting the WITCHES, and has been trying to help her from beyond… which means that Sara’s mom is this movie’s Obi-Wan Kenobi, and I am busy laughing my ass off due to the fact that EVERYTHING COMES BACK TO STAR WARS.  Sara tries to get some sleep, but is freaked out by a dream and flees the apartment- she calls up to warn her new friends, but they get killed by the Third Mother and her cohorts- one woman gets impaled crotch first on a pike, and in a wonderful moment of overkill, the end of the pike comes out of her mouth.

Okay.

It takes a lot to shock me (the ‘strangling via woman’s own intestines’ scene made me go "…huh.  Didn’t see that coming.  That was a neat touch.", by the way), but this scene got to me.  It’s brutal, calculated by the baddies, and completely fucked up.  Score.

So, Sara’s battered and running, and she stumbles on the curator dude, who’s been looking for his son.  They head back to his place, where she notices he’s bleeding, and hey- wouldn’t you know it, his throat’s cut!  He’s been dead and used as a puppet!  She sets him on fire, and he does his best Richard Pryor impersonation as he gives chase.  Obi-Wan Madre appears to yank the demon into a void, and Sara is now completely alone but determined to stop the Third Mother no matter the cost.

So, she catches a cab.

I’m not making this up.

She tracks these assholes down, then hides as her cover’s almost blown.  The crazy people kidnap Sara’s help and try to gut him (while the Third Mother shimmies into a piece of old sackcloth that has demonic powers or some such), but Sara gets scared by that GODDAMNED FUCKING CAPUCHIN OF DOOM and dragged into the melee.  She gets bled on by the guy that was gonna save the day, and is motivated to rip the Third Mother’s hand-me-down dress off with a spear.  It gets burned, shit collapses, the Third Mother gets impaled by a large stone, that fucking monkey gets crushed, and Sara manages to escape thanks to the dude that was only important during the last thirty minutes.

Everyone laughs because they’ve all gone batshit crazy.

The end.

BRICK’S FINAL WORDS FOR THE DAY

If I were forced to rank the "Three Mothers" trilogy in order of "must see", it’d go 1) Suspiria, 2) Mother of Tears, 3) Inferno.  Did I outright hate any particular movie? No- I just feel like Suspiria set the bar waaaaay too fucking high for whatever movie that came after it to even attempt to match it, but with some time removed from the trilogy, Mother of Tears does a damn good job of casting a "new millenium" light on the various themes and execution that Dario Argento has been working with throughout his trilogy.  The two previous installments were bold and bright, and now, at the end of the world that Mother of Tears represents, things are dark and the hero runs away a lot, but in the end?  Well…

…all we can do is laugh at it all.

And now… the end is near, and so I’ve reached the final curtain. 

But what the fuck is the remake of Prom Night doing on my desk?

TOMORROW

This is it!  No turning back now!  Prom Night, 2K8, a drinking game version of Wild Zero… and Poultrygeist?!  Fuck yes- let’s end this with a bang!

What are people saying about "A Horror A Day"?

Brick Prior
Re: A Horror A Day

Day 2!
DrDetroit
Re: A Horror A Day

I enjoy A Horror A Day!
Brick Prior
Re: A Horror A Day

I'm happy that you enjoy it!  Here is Day 3!
Brick Prior
Re: A Horror A Day

It's like the fate of the world depends on me!  Day 4!
DrDetroit
Re: A Horror A Day

This is awesome.  This is making me want to bust out some old zombie movies and take a mental health day.  Maybe next week!

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