Posted on October 29th, 2008 in A Horror A Day, Brick Prior, Movies by Brick Prior

Well, I didn’t get the New Xbox Live Experience beta- how fucked up is that?  I write for a website, so I deserve to tell all two of you (and my fellow moderators) how things are creating an avatar and shit!  I help out the community, damn it- I bet you didn’t know I hate horses, AND I will say a nice comment about a lady’s hair if looks outstanding.  I want to watch Feast 2: Sloppy Seconds, but I can’t because time is a jealous bastard that wants all my damn attention!

I’M GONNA VOTE NEXT WEEK!

BRICK PRIOR IS FOR AMERICA!

On with A Horror A Day! 

TODAY’S FILM: Inferno

Hey- question?  If you translate a book telling you the exact location of three WITCHES, would you go there?  Further more, would you go swimming in random pools underneath an apartment complex?

I sure as fuck wouldn’t!

Thing Ring, do your Trailer Thing!

THE TRAILER

THE RECAP, BRICK PRIOR STYLE

I have no idea what the fuck I just watched… but it’s a good thing!  Inferno takes all the "nutty" from Suspiria and skips past eleven, ripping the dial off in the process.  This is connected to Suspiria in the sense that another WITCH is unleashed to the world, but other than that, it’s bugfuck crazy.

Let me attempt a recap!

NOTE:  I don’t have any control over what I type anymore.  My bad in advance.

As the movie opens, some broad named Rose is busy translating an old book she bought from some old antique dealer called "The Three Mothers", which talks about three evil WITCHES and explains where they can be found, albeit cryptically.  So, she somehow figures out that the building she’s in (way in New York) houses one of the WITCHES, and decides to check things out.  She discovered a ROOM FULL OF WATER UNDER THE BUILDING SHE LIVES IN, and magically drops her keys in said room, so she decides to swim down and grab them.

Yes, wet white dress alert.  CLOSE YOUR GODDAMNED MOUTH, YOU.

Upon her second dive down (because it takes two to make a thing go right), a dessicated corpse reveals itself and goes "BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA", so she swims back up lickety split and decides to write a letter to her brother Mark (who is in Rome) about the whole deal.  He sits in class reading the letter, but gets distracted by a big weakness from the late seventies through the early eighties- HOT ITALIAN WOMEN WITH NON-PLUCKED EYEBROWS STARING AT HIM.

I’M SRRRRRIOUS.

He leaves the letter due to following this woman, that asshole.  Awesomely, or non-awesomely, his friend Sara (NOT ANOTHER SARA) picks up the letter and tracks shit down to the "Three Mothers" book in a library.  She goes a’searchin’ and almost gets her head dumped into a boiling pot of lye, but escapes.  She goes to get some backup from her friend Carlo, but they both get killed by a gloved killer (more on him later… like tomorrow!).

Mark discovers the bodies and the torn letter, and is all sorts of distracted by the HOT ITALIAN WOMAN WITH NON-PLUCKED EYEBROWS STARING AT HIM as she passes by in a cab.  He calls Rose, but he can’t hear her, and she’s freaked out due to people stalking her, tries to hide, but in a shocking twist, is killed via REPEATED WINDOW PANE SLAMMING TO THE NECK.

SWERVE!

Mark, being out of town, hightails it to New York and meets all the weird people in Rose’s apartment building- a nurse and Professor Arnold, who is a wheelchair user.  He finds out that his sister is gone, and Mark starts snooping and poking around, finds some bloodstains, and ends up getting all faint and stuff.  Cut to the woman that was helping him out- she gets mauled by cats and is killed by the gloved killer.

Told you this movie makes no sense!

Mark passes out due to some weird shit, and is helped to a bed.  The next day, he goes to see the antique dealer that sold Rose the book, but he isn’t saying shit because he’s a weirdo.

Why is he a weirdo?

BECAUSE HE DROWNS CATS!

Seriously- this asshole puts cats into a sack and tosses them into the aquaduct under the streets… which makes his death via rats and an overzealous hot dog vendor that much more awesome.

I am not kidding.

This fucking douchebag puts a bunch of cats into a sack and tries to drown them, but the Rat King says "Fuck that, cats are awesome unless they’re eating rats!" and sends the rats after him.  They start eating him alive, and a hot dog vendor gets possessed by Dickie and mistakes his cries for help for cries for stab and ends his life before the rats can.

Fun movie!

And we keep going, There’s an odd moment where a maid discovers a dead body in the damn building and sets herself on fire, but that’s besides the point.  Mark starts reading the letter again, and figures out that there are secret crawlspaces under the floors of the building, and ends up meeting up with Professor Arnold… who, after a fun twists, is revealed that he is the author of the book!  OLD MAN, YOU DONE STARTED ALL THIS SHIT AND NOW YOU GOT TO PA- hey, wait, he tries to murder Mark with a syringe!  WHOOPS, HE CLUMSY!  HE STRANGLES HIMSELF IN HIS OWN VOCAL EQUIPMENT (yes, there were cords involved). Mark heads out, and follows a shadow, who turns out to be Arnold’s nurse.

GUESS WHAT?!

SHE’S A WITCH!

She turns into Skullomania and threatens Mark, but he hightails it the fuck out of there.  The building goes batshit- windows, doors, and damn near everything else explodes.  As Mark escapes and the movie ends, the apartment complex is consumed by fire.

There’s your inferno.

Where the hell is the Third Mother?!

BRICK’S FINAL WORDS FOR THE DAY

As zany as it is, you need to see this one too.

Here’s the thing about WITCHES- if you unleash them or get around them, whatever- bad things will happen.

DEAD BODIES, SON!

BEWRRRRRE!

TOMORROW!

Mother of Tears!  The Three Mothers trilogy ends!  It’s the pentultimate edition of A Horror A Day!  Who will live?!  Who will die?!  To me, my X-Men friends!  LET’S KICK THIS NYUCKA’S ASS!

What are people saying about "A Horror A Day"?

Brick Prior
Re: A Horror A Day

Day 2!
DrDetroit
Re: A Horror A Day

I enjoy A Horror A Day!
Brick Prior
Re: A Horror A Day

I'm happy that you enjoy it!  Here is Day 3!
Brick Prior
Re: A Horror A Day

It's like the fate of the world depends on me!  Day 4!
DrDetroit
Re: A Horror A Day

This is awesome.  This is making me want to bust out some old zombie movies and take a mental health day.  Maybe next week!

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