Posted on October 28th, 2008 in A Horror A Day, Brick Prior, Movies by Brick Prior

Oh lord, what a winding road this is- however, I see a turnoff!  Bright lights and lots of color await- no, wait, that’s just Suspiria.

Shit.

Time to disturb the brainpan!  

TODAY’S FILM: Suspiria

Hoo boy, this film is colorful and gorgeous… and sadistic and bloody and sick and twisted and, well… it’s got WITCHES, so that counts for something!  Twenty-eight days in and we finally get our first proper "witch" movie, and it is a doozy!  Every single color of the rainbow is used for full suspenseful effect!  We got killer dogs, barbed wire, and my personal favorite, a face getting pushed through a windowsill!  Death via stabbing, overkill via hanging, and bystander kills thanks to falling glass!

This movie has it all!

Trailer, do your thing!

THE TRAILER

THE RECAP, BRICK PRIOR STYLE

In my youth, I spent a couple of weeks abroad.  It was for educational purposes, but I wasn’t in a school- which is good, because people would have died and I would have been traumatized more than I ended up being… but that’s another story for another time!

Anyway- here’s a fucked up horror movie theory for you:  whenever a character goes abroad via their own means or for school or some such, fucked up things happen.  This movie is no exception, as young Suzy Banyon heads to Germany to attend a prestigious dance school.  Unfortunately, when she arrives, it’s pouring cats and dogs, and to make matters worse, some crazy broad’s running away in the woods.  She’s busy yelling something about three and irises, but Suzy can’t make out what it is.  Eavesdropper Suzy gets to the front door, but is turned away even when she tries to prove her identity.

Bitches.

Cut to the young running girl- Pat, who hides out at her friends’ place talking about how she’s going to disappear forever.  Yeah, I sense some "killin’" coming on, and that’s exactly what we get!  Pat sees something going on outside her window, but ends up seeing a pair of eyes… and then a hand as it crashes through the window and introduces her face to the other pane of glass. Poor Pat gets pushed through the glass and yanked outside, while all her friend can do is bang on the door and wail for help.

Pat ends up getting stabbed a couple of times, falls onto a skylight, and the killer follows up by stabbing her directly through the heart and smashing the back of her head through the skylight… and we’re not done!

The killer gets a spool of electrical cord, wraps Pat up in it, and chucks her through the skylight- the cord slips around her neck, breaking it, and the falling glass, metal struts, and damn near everything else cause her friend to take the loss as well.

NOW, THAT’S AN OPENING!

We head back to the school on the following day, where Suzy finds out that Pat had been kicked out and subsequently murdered.  She mentions that she saw Pat that night, but no one pays her any mind, the idjits.  She gets introduced to her classmates and her roommate (who is sticking her up for $50 a week… fucking Germans), and things seem to go okay until the following day when, while headed to class, the creepy maid that looks like Mama Fratelli flashes something in her eye- the soundtrack suddenly goes "WITCHES!" which mean that something bad just happened… as it does as Suzy passes out in class and is laid up due to hemorrhaging.  They never say what kind, exactly… but, I know one thing.

WITCHES IS THE CAUSE OF ALLA DIS!

Suzy is given odd foods and even wine to drink in order for her to feel better, and seems to be doing okay.  After talking with her buddy Sara for a bit, our heroine gets that creepy crawly feeling in her scalp, runs her hands through her hair, and finds MAGGOTS MAGGOTS MAGGOTS OH GOD MAGGOTS AGAIN OH JESUS JUMPIN JESUS CHRISTMAS SHIT WHY’S IT ALWAYS GOTTA BE MAGGOTS?!

Due to the maggot infestation, the students bunk up in the practice hall, and a sheet is hung to block off the teachers from the students.  An odd figure lays down behind where Sara and Suzy are sleeping, and its snoring is so goddamned fucked up that it frightens Sara away.  She wakes up Suzy and explains that she heard this snoring once before when the head directess of the school ended up staying in the room next to her… but that’s a bit of a quandry, as no one had seen the head directess in quite some time.

We’ve got a mystery on our hands!

Suzy asks the head crazy broad, Mrs. Tanner, if the head directess was at the school the night before, but she says she wasn’t.  Interesting.  Things get even more interesting as the head mistress’ nephew is attacked by the blind pianist’s seeing eye dog, which sends Mrs. Tanner into a frenzy and she kicks poor Daniel, blind pianist, out of the school.

It’s dinner time, and Suzy eats her special meal and starts to pass out, while Sara tries to explain that all the teachers leave at 9:30, but no one knows where they go.  Intrigued by this, she decides to… COUNT THEIR FOOTSTEPS.

CLEAN THE WHOLE FUCKING SCHOOL WHILE YOU’RE AT IT, YOU OVERACHIEVER!

Later that night, Daniel is at the bar listening to a bunch of crazy folks Riverdance or some shit, and decides to take his depressed ass home.  He and his dog walk for a bit, and they come to a COMPLETELY FUCKING DESERTED AREA that causes the dog to freak out.  The "WITCHES!" soundtrack fires up, and we got a gargoyle on our hands!

No, wait, thems just evil forces.

The dog keeps freaking out, and Daniel starts freaking out, and before you can yell "ATTACK DICKIE ATTACK!" the dog turns on his master, ripping his throat out and chowing down for a bit until some German beat cops can run him off.

I’m never owning a dog again, by the way.

Suzy goes to Madame Blanc, head mistress, and tells her about the weird shit she saw Pat say, but Madame Blanc pretty much blows her off. She talks to Sara about it, where Sara drops the knowledge that it was her that didn’t let Suzy in on that first night, and that she and Pat were friends.  Sara says she’s got a bunch of notes detailing all the crazy shit Pat was talking about the day she was killed, and offers to show Suzy later… but, that damned "WITCHES!" music kicks in, so when they go to see the notes… THEY GONE.

Suzy, having eaten dinner, starts to pass out, and Sara tries to get her to wake… but she hears footsteps!  She heads out the room and into the hallway as someone enters Suzy’s room.  Sara escapes to an unknown room, but the goddamned killer from the beginning attacks her!  WITCHES!  OH SHIT RUN SARA WHO BE BAD NOW NOT YOU ‘CUZ YOU AIN’T GOT NO KNIFE AND THAT KILLER DOES!  Sara hides in a room, latches the door, and decides to escape through a window to safety… that is, if the entire room floor wasn’t COVERED IN BARBED WIRE.

Needless to say, Sara gets slashed and tangled up long enough for the killer to calmly walk in and cut her throat.

Let’s all have a moment for Sara.

Aaaaaaand… done.

Suzy finds Sara’s room ransacked and empty the next morning, and starts to get curious.  No one gives her any info, so she decides to call a friend of Sara’s.  The two meet up, and we’re introduced to Udo Kier as Dr. Mandel, Sara’s psychologist, who explains that Sara started acting all kooky when someone mentioned WITCHES to her.  Suzy finds out that the school was founded by Helena Markos, who folks thought was a WITCH.  She tried to run the school based on a combination of the occult (aka WITCHOLOGY), but the school burned down and was passed on to her favorite student, who turned it into a dance academy.  Mandel doesn’t believe any of this shit, though, and introduces Suzy to a colleague of his who does.  Said colleague says that WITCHES are evil, yo.  And that if there’s a group of them, then that’s a coven, and the only way to take the coven out is to kill the main WITCH.

Food for thought!

Suzy heads back to school, and… EVERYBODY GONE!  It seems that Mrs. Tanner got tickets for everyone except for Suzy, so she’s all alone at school when she hears the footsteps!  IT’S TIME TO COUNT FOOTSTEPS!  Suzy counts and counts and follows and counts and makes her way to Madame Blanc’s office, but it’s a dead end!  OH NOES WHAT WE GON DO?!  Suzy’s looking around, when she notices three flowers… and finally realizes just what Pat said- TURN THE BLUE FLOWER WHERE THE THREE IRISES ARE AT!  She does, and finds a secret passageway!  Following it down, she notices all the teachers gathering, and oh my shit, they’re WITCHES and they want to kill her!

RUN SUZY RUN!

She starts to back away and finds Sara’s corpse nailed to a slab.  SNAP!  She runs back into Madam Blanc’s office where… OH SHIT, THE HEAD DIRECTESS IS ASLEEP ON THE BED!  WHERE’D THE BED COME FROM?!  Suzy freaks and knocks over an ornament, when the head directess wakes up and starts to taunt her… AND IT’S HELENA MARKOS BACK FROM THE DEAD BLAAAAAAAAAAARGH!  The door opens, and it’s Sara’s reanimated corpse!  She’s coming after Suzy!  Suzy picks up a shard and stabs where Markos’ body would be, and gets her in the neck!  SHE DIES!  THE COVEN IS DYING!  THE HOUSE IS HAVING A CONNIPTION FIT!  SUZY RUNS!  THE HOUSE ON FIRE!  THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!  SHE MAKES IT TO THE OUTSIDE!  FIRE EXPLODES OUT THE WINDOWS!  IT’S RAINING!  SUZY SMILES AND WALKS OFF!

THE END!

Whew.

Got into it just a tad.

My bad.

BRICK’S FINAL WORDS FOR THE DAY

See.  This.  Movie.

TOMORROW

Inferno
!  Part two of the "Three Mothers" trilogy!  We’re almost done!

What are people saying about "A Horror A Day"?

Brick Prior
Re: A Horror A Day

Day 2!
DrDetroit
Re: A Horror A Day

I enjoy A Horror A Day!
Brick Prior
Re: A Horror A Day

I'm happy that you enjoy it!  Here is Day 3!
Brick Prior
Re: A Horror A Day

It's like the fate of the world depends on me!  Day 4!
DrDetroit
Re: A Horror A Day

This is awesome.  This is making me want to bust out some old zombie movies and take a mental health day.  Maybe next week!

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