Posted on October 25th, 2008 in A Horror A Day, Brick Prior, Movies by Brick Prior

Day 25!  Can you believe it!  We’re in the final week of A Horror A Day!  I’ve barely slept in a month!  My floor is covered in horror DVDs!

And blood!

My eyes constantly bleed- this is a stye from HELL!

But, what’s this on the horizon… TENTACLE BEAST MAN?!  HE AIN’T GONNA SAVE US, THAT’S FOR SURE!

WHAT’S CAUSING ALL THIS?! 

TODAY’S FILM: Wicked City

I know what you’re thinking- why is this film on the list, but Vampire Hunter D is not?  Well, for starters, I hate effeminate looking vampires in anime.  Actually, that was a crappy answer, so the truth is:  this wasn’t the proper time to gush all about Vampire Hunter D (two solid movies and the novels were finally translated in the US… fun times), so I held back.

Wicked City, however, needs some love.

THE TRAILER

THE RECAP, BRICK PRIOR STYLE

Yeah, this was one of the films that gave anime a bad rap back in the day- between this and kids somehow stumbling on a copy of Urotsukidoji at their local video store, fledgling anime fans couldn’t catch a break.

"That ain’t no got damn cartoon I know about!  Why is that cartoon woman naked?  That ain’t no Jessica Rabbit!" Countless parents would say.

"UHHHHHHH", the kids would respond, because they were in shock at all the craziness on screen.

Needless to say, this movie isn’t for the faint of heart… which makes it perfect for A Horror A Day.

Sooooo…

Here’s the deal- the human world exists in secret alongside a demon world, and every few hundred years a treaty must be renegotiated and signed in order to keep the peace.  In order to make sure everything’s copacetic, the Black Guard is on the job- consider them a demon hunting version of the CIA, if you will.  So, as the movie opens, we’re near treaty signing time, but our main hero Taki has a bit of a problem- he can’t keep his dick in his pants.  Seriously- he’ll bang anything, including a demon who knocked his date out, assumed her identity, and has snapping teeth where her vajayjay should be.

No, I’m not joking.

Now, all of Taki’s buddies give him shit because he’d probably fuck a goat if it had a set of knockers, so this has been going on for a while.  Although he tends to think with the wrong head a lot, he’s a good agent, so he gets put on the treaty case- namely, he’s got to keep a dignitary safe… unfortunately, this man is Giuseppie Mayart, and he’d hump a fire hydrant if it smelled nice, so Taki’s got his hands full.

What makes matters worse for Taki is that he’s partnered up with Makie, a Black Guard from the demon world, and since she’s female, he wants to tap that.

Like I said, he thinks with the wrong head.  SAVE THE OLD PERVERT, SAVE THE WORLD!  BE A HERO!

Anyway, after a skirmish at the airport, the two Black Guard members take Mayart to a hotel that’s been protected from any sort of Demon World attack- but those fuckers ain’t playing around because they attack the hotel anyway.  Continuity says what? Taki uses his Hand Cannon of Doom (seriously, he fires a shot and gets put through a wall- think "Noisy Cricket" from Men In Black and you have the general idea) to ward them off, but he doesn’t do a good job.  Makie’s confronted by her ex, and after he tries to get some, she electrifies him with her hair (WHAT) leading up to him getting half his body blasted away thanks to Taki’s pistol sized BFG.

But Mayart’s gone!

Guess where he went?!

To the naked lady spa, of course, where he cops a feel on a woman and sees what breastfeeding is like and lets her ride him cowgirl style (I’m not making this up) but gets yanked into her chest because she is a demon and he is a STUPID OLD HORNY FUCK AND YES HE DESERVES TO DIE AND I HOPE HE BURNS IN HAY-ELL.

So, Taki and Makie rescue him, and they head out because they’ve been compromised.  The Demon World starts closing in, and the Black Guard members pull over to make a stand, but Mayart starts freaking out and hacks up a little slug thing.  Remember when he was, to put it bluntly, sucking titty?

HE SWALLOWED A DEMON WORM, SON!

So, this little bastard skitters around and Taki tries to shoot it, but no dice since he’d just put himself through a car door.  It slithers into Makie’s clothes, and before you can say "What the fuck is gonna happen next", it’s TENTACLE BEAST MAN OH SNAP I HOPE SOMEONE BROUGHT THA CHEDDAH BISCUITS CUZ SOMEONE BOUT TO GET FUCKED!

Needless to say, TENTACLE BEAST MAN (thing) completely defiles our heroine, who sacrifices herself by puncturing her own breast.

I don’t get it either.

So, Taki takes Mayart back to headquarters and is all distraught because he didn’t get to tap that before TENTACLE BEAST MAN rammed one of his appendages down her throat.  He’s feeling guilty, but doesn’t have time to dawdle, as the Demon World has a message about how humanity is gonna end, yadda yadda yadda, treaties ain’t shit, blah blah bliddy blah, and then they up the ante by showing a bunch of demons running a train on Makie.

OH SHIT TAKI DONE BE PISSED OFF NOW!  GET EM UP!  GET YO PAWS UP, DEMONS!

Taki, despite threats that he’s gonna get fired from the Black Guard, drives off, meets all those chumps underground and shows them what’s up- this involves him shooting a couple of them before getting mesmerized by a demon lady with a vajayjay in her stomach only to shoot her in said oddly placed orifice with his real gun and not the one behind his zipper.

No.  I didn’t make that up either.

Then, he fights the big boss, Mr. Shadow, King Shit, whatever his name is, and shoots his head off.

The end!

SIKE!

Taki and Makie drive off (with a brief stop to get Makie some clothes), but are hunted down by the spider-woman snapping coochie teeth broad and are summarily killed.

SIKE AGAIN!

They were attacked, but amazingly, they wake up in a church alive.  Since they’re no time like when you think you might be dead, they make sexy time.

I’m not lying!

THEY WAKE UP IN A CHURCH AND HUMP.

So, you’ve figured out what happens, right?

The Demon World attacks again and is all like, RAAAAAAAH!  Mayart shows up and is all like, SHAAAAAAH!  In a serve, he was protecting the Black Guard members and not the other way around… why, you ask?

SO THAT THEY COULD MAKE A BABY AND UNITE THE TWO REALMS!

Mr. Shadow Boss is all like BAAAAAAAAAH! but Makie is like PREGGERS WITH POWAAAAAAAAH and kills Mr. Shadow Dude with a swipe of her nails.

Taki’s gonna be a daddy!  The world is saved!

THE END.

BRICK’S FINAL THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY

No, this write up does not do this movie justice.  While I played it for laughs, there’s nothing funny about this film at all… except for Mayart’s antics, but even those get old after a while.

See it if you can, but I’ve got other things to watch.

For example:

TOMORROW

Diary of the Dead!

What are people saying about "A Horror A Day"?

Brick Prior
Re: A Horror A Day

Day 2!
DrDetroit
Re: A Horror A Day

I enjoy A Horror A Day!
Brick Prior
Re: A Horror A Day

I'm happy that you enjoy it!  Here is Day 3!
Brick Prior
Re: A Horror A Day

It's like the fate of the world depends on me!  Day 4!
DrDetroit
Re: A Horror A Day

This is awesome.  This is making me want to bust out some old zombie movies and take a mental health day.  Maybe next week!

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