Posted on October 17th, 2008 in A Horror A Day, Brick Prior, Movies by Brick Prior

I was a Power Ranger once.

Number Seven.

The one that Zordon never told Tommy and the gang about.

I don’t want to talk about what color I got saddled with, thank you very much.  Once the Shogun Megazord showed up, I felt like shit.  I don’t even wanna get started about the Ninjetti.

So.,. instead, let’s watch a horror movie! 

TODAY’S FILM:  The Beyond

Lucio Fulci’s films are hard to stomach- not because of the gore, but because the good ones make no sense.  Granted, this is not excusing the mess that is The House By The Cemetery, but for the most part, you know you’re getting a good Fulci film when the cinematography is spot on yet you don’t know what the fuck you just saw besides someone getting killed in a gory manner,

This is one of those films, and it is all the better for it.

THE TRAILER


THE RECAP, BRICK PRIOR STYLE

NOTE:  Yeah, I watched these "Gates of Hell" films out of order.  My bad.

In 1921, a painter named Schweick is cruicifed in his hotel room on suspicion of being a Satanist.  Granted, he had some weird painting on display- a bleak wasteland that looked like the ruins of Pompeii, so you know… he had to die.  Sixty years later, a woman named Liza has inherited the hotel… and although she puts up a brave front, all sorts of bad shit happens.

Just after she’s talking to someone about the property, a worker falls off the hotel scaffolding and is half dead.  Of course she tends to him and his possible spinal damage by placing a cold compress on his forehead, because when bones could possibly be broken and internal organs could be all sorts of fucked up, you definitely need a wet cloth.

NOTE #2:  I know there’s a comfort factor involved.  I’m just saying.

Anyway…

Joe the Plumber (seriously, this is not a debate joke- he really is Joe the Plumber) is checking the pipes and whatnot in the basement, but he sees an odd hole… and a hand promptly comes out and pushes his eyes out his skull.  Literally.  His right eye spuishes out sideways,  I’m not making this up.  A maid discovers his body and is all freaked out.

Joe’s family goes to see his body at the morgue, and while young Jill is off by her lonesome, her mom somehow manages to get scared half to death just long enough for a bottle of acid to spill on her face.

I’m really not making this up.

Jill’s dumb ass goes into a room clearly marked "DO NOT ENTRY", and gets to see the tail end of what acid does to a human face.  Seriously, the door says "DO NOT ENTRY".  As me, Kenzan, Doc, and others in the know would say…

"It’s Italian".

Who lets people do whatever the fuck they want around corpses anyway?  I understand if you got slipped a couple of twenties, but still!  ACID COULD FALL ON YOU AND FUCK UP YOUR FACE.

We keep moving on because that’s what movies do- they move on.  Liza runs into a blind girl named Emily and her dog Dickie (or Digby, depending on what script the voice actress was reading), who knows too fucking much about everything that’s going on.  Liza chalks her up in the "weird, but knowledgable" file, naturally.  Due to all the hullabaloo at the hotel and whatnot, Liza has hooked up (in the "Hi" sense, not the "horizontal" sense) with Paul, a doctor at the hospital where the face melting happened.  They’re busy looking up stuff about the hotel (the Book of Eibon strikes again!) and being genial towards one another.

Meanwhile, people die.

Someone checking out the plans of the hotel room gets blindsided by a bolt of lightning and fucks up a break-fall on the floor, which causes spiders to attack him.  Now, I hate the idea of getting killed by insects, but the rejected Quincy Jones music that they play during the scene is laughable at best.  Unfortunately, it all cuts out once they rip out his tongue, but still: music choices are key.

Meanwhile, the maid’s still fucking around in the hotel and notices a clogged bathtub, which is odd since no one has been in said room.  Joe the Plumber comes out of the bathtub and is gunning for the maid!  She’s in shock and he says "Fuck it, I’ma kill me somebody!" and shoves her head through an exposed nail in the room, which pops out her eyeball.

Pretty.

We visit Emily next, and she’s all freaked out because all this crap is happening and she’s sensitive to such things.  You know it’s bad when your piano magically starts playing the theme music to the movie on its own.  Ems cowers in the corner as a bunch of zombies show up, so she rolls a 6 and Dickie is on the loose!

ZOMBIE VERSUS DOG!  ATTACK DICKIE ATTACK!  GET THEM!

Emily keeps shrieking how she won’t "go back" but if the zombies are from that place, then…

Hey, Emily?  I hate to remind you of this, but…

You’re one of them!

ATTACK DICKIE ATTACK!  Goodbye Emily’s throat, and goodbye Emily’s ear for good measure.

Back to the hotel- Liza is freaking out yet again, and Paul shows up to help her out.  They bop on down to the hospital and run inton Jill, who has apparently been there since her mom fucked up her personal Michael Jackson "Jam on" treatment for her face.  Zombies are all over the place, and John figures out that he has to shoot the zombies in the head in order to kill them, but as they all make it to an elevator, he keeps shooting the in the torso.  Losing your short-term memory is a bitch.

While Liza is holding it down in some random part of the hospital, John runs into a fellow doctor named Harris.  He says something in horrendously dubbed English, but the zombies break in, and Harris takes the loss via random glass shards to the face.

John starts shooting them in the torso again because he’s an idiot.

They all make it to the morgue where the dead bodies live, but Jill suddenly snaps and grabs Liza by the throat, so John shoots her in the face, causing the greatest head explosion ever.

Our heroes are surrounded by zombies, so they head through a door and down the stairs and… they’re back at the hotel?!  They move forward through the dessicated lands that are in front of them, just like Shweick’s painting.  They try to go back, but the stairwell is gone.

They are blind.

They are in The Beyond, and as the voiceover says…

"And you will face the sea of darkness, and all therein that may be explored…"

There’s your ending.

Throw your snacks in the trash.

BRICK’S FINAL WORDS FOR THE DAY

As much as I can rip on this movie (yes, I can even rip Saving Private Ryan or Glory or Platoon or Forrest Gump or Steel Magnolias or Fried Green Tomatoes or any one of your favorite movies to shreds), it is awesome.  It is a must see.  It’s surrealist horror at its best.  Modern filmmakers would learn from it, and hey- Quentin Tarantino endorsed it, so that makes it awesome, right?

That last part was a joke.  Although, if Tarantino did direct a horror movie, it would be awesome.  My proof?  The car scene in Sin City.  Fucking creepy.

I’ll stop now.

See this movie.

TOMORROW

The Night Evelyn Came Out of the Grave!

What are people saying about "A Horror A Day"?

Brick Prior
Re: A Horror A Day

Day 2!
DrDetroit
Re: A Horror A Day

I enjoy A Horror A Day!
Brick Prior
Re: A Horror A Day

I'm happy that you enjoy it!  Here is Day 3!
Brick Prior
Re: A Horror A Day

It's like the fate of the world depends on me!  Day 4!
DrDetroit
Re: A Horror A Day

This is awesome.  This is making me want to bust out some old zombie movies and take a mental health day.  Maybe next week!

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