Posted on October 14th, 2008 in A Horror A Day, Brick Prior, Movies by Brick Prior

Let’s see… how do we begin today’s festivities?

I will with a teaser- there are THIRTEEN unannounced movies that will be bum-rushing A Horror A Day.

When will they start to show up, you ask?

I am not going to say… you’ll know when you see it.  It’ll probably have something to do with ‘bum-rush’ in the title, and I may not follow the exact same format I’ve been using… but they’re definitely in the pipeline.

So, with that said… on with the show! 

TODAY’S FILM:  The House By The Cemetery

The first thing I did when firing this DVD up was to check to see if it had an Italian audio track, because if there’s one thing I hate, it’s horrendous English dubbing.

It did not.

I kept fucking with the volume all throughout the movie.

"Hooray".

Anyway, this one’s got pretty much everything- a creepy zombie in the basement, "lots of killin’", and some crazy killer animal shenanigans.

Take a look for yourself!

THE TRAILER

THE RECAP, BRICK PRIOR STYLE

NOTE:  Children do not make me angry.  The good ones are awesome.  The annoying ones in movies need to go rot, though,

I know that I’ve been neglecting all of you out there that watch movies solely for topless women, so yes, we get to the "goods" early: there’s a random topless woman wondering where her boyfriend went off to inside an old creepy house.  Seriously, I wasn’t excepting it- I was all, "Okay, Lucio Fulci movie, let’s start off with an inane random killing that sets up the ‘plot’", but he blindsided me with bewbage and I was confused for a moment.

Then Steve showed up as a corpse, the formerly topless woman screamed, and a killer shoved a knife through her skill (causing the blade to come out her mouth), and dragged her corpse into the basement.

Boobs or not, that’s a bit of an awesome opening if you ask me.

Cut to New York where we meet Lucy and Bob, and I want to vomit.  Why?  Because Bob is a "precocious" five year old boy with the voice of a grown ass woman.  Remember how I said that I was looking for the original audio track?  Now you know.  I want Bob to die.

Lucy, Bob, and Norman Boyle are all set to move into some new house so that Norman can continue his research.  He’s a doctor, which means that he has to be either really evil, really cool, or a complete douche.  Turns out Norman’s getting an extra five grand to live in the house, which means that he’s a complete douche considering SOMEONE DIED IN THE GOT DAMN HOUSE SINCE IT IS THE HOUSE FROM THE BEGINNING OF THE FILM.

By the way, there’s a tomb in the yard- I dunno about y’all, but I’d move the fuck out.  Maybe this family was gunning to be profiled on Discovery Channel’s "A Haunting", but they’d NEVER show the shit that happens to this family, that’s for sure.

So, the film progresses, and Bob’s got a new friend named Mae that he hangs around near graves with (complete with an omnious closeup of a Mrs. Freudstein), and the house has it’s own random teleporting babysitter named Ann.

Random teleporting babysitter that never goes home?

I don’t know about you guys, but again, I’d get the fuck out of there.  That never works out good, not even in porn.

Where was I?

Uh…

Lucy starts freaking out one day due to hearing a bunch of children crying in the basement, so she and Norman head down there to prove that there’s nothing… but they find a big ass bat that attacks them both!  It starts to gnaw at Norman’s hand, so he flees to the kitchen and stabs the bat with a knife several times before it finally gives up and dies. 

Finally, they decide to get the fuck out of there- I don’t know for sure because I was busy fucking with the volume AGAIN.

A real estate agent is there to meet the Boyles, and ends up putting her foot through the floor, breaking her ankle… which brings out the Mysterious Killer From The Basement!  He walks in with a spike and promptly stabs her… yes, in the tit.  We’re back to that now.  She screams, he stabs her in the sternum, she screams some more, he stabs her in the neck, and blood gushes out as she dies.

Seriously.  You can see the mouth of the hose embedded in latex and everything.

There’s more shit going on with Bob, who I hate… so I’m sad to say that I tuned out… that is, until Ann, randomly teleporting herself to the accursed basement and attacked by the killer in the process, gets her throat slit not once, not twice, but three times- for those at home trying to draw a diagram of this amazing feat, it went- carotid, carotid, jugular!  Artistic in a "Hey, some lady got killed by a creepy zombie in the basement" kind of way.  Bob hears the screams, heads to the basement, warps to the bottom of the stairwell for the hell of it, and Ol’ Basement Bones tosses the head down the steps, freaking Bob out that the little towheaded brat started to scream so much, I was hoping he’d be next.  Shit, he was just about as annoying as this guy:

…which says a lot

Sometimes, you gotta pull a Gage and throw the kids under the bus in horror movies.  I’m just saying.

Cut to Norman, who is doing some research, and he finds out that Dr. Freudstein (who owned his house) was into repurposing bodies in order to stay alive- something about blood, but since the monologue sounded like it was coming out of an 8-track, I didn’t pay too much attention.

My bad.

After being consoled by Lucy and getting tucked in for bed, Bobbert heads on down to the basement and tells the darkness, "Ann, Mommy says you’re not dead!"

Fucking dumbass kid!  Give him hell, Freudstein!

And here he-  OH SHIT THERE’RE GLOWING EYES IN THE DARKNESS, SON!  YOU BETTER RUN, LITTLE BOY!  YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO READ SO THE TOSSED SALAD MAN IS GONNA GET YOU!  DO YOU PREFER SYRUP OR JELLY?! 

Lucy hears all the hullabaloo and starts trying to pry the door open with a knife, and I’m praying to Jebus that we get an accidental skull stabbing or six.  Norman shows up and is all, "We got to get the fuck out of here, but I’ll tell you why later" and grabs an axe, which makes me think that my dreams will come true.  I mean, this jackass hasn’t done a single proactive thing except to stab a bat on his hand, so hopefully he fucks around and kills Bob and really sends this movie out on a high night.

Alas, it was not meant to be.

Lucy and Norman storm the basement to save Bob- Norman snatches up a knife, stabs Freudstein, and out comes… MAGGOTS!  MAGGOTS MAGGOTS MAGGOTS MAGGOTS MAGGOTS WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE MAGGOTS?!  The bad doctor teeters and totters, but wouldn’t you know it, he’s still got some life left in him because Norman gets his throat ripped out!

TWO LEFT!

Lucy urges Bob up the steps that lead to the stone slab containing the crypt, but Dr. Freudstein does what all killers do: he says, "Fuck that, one of y’all is coming with me!" and yanks Lucy right back down the steps, her head hitting each one… and SHE DEAD!

ONE LEFT!

Come on, Freudstein!  Pull off the trifecta!  You can do it!  Cut this kid’s fucking head off and let’s hit up Sizzler!

The doc stalks, the kid tries to push the slab up- wait, this little bastard has no chance in hell of surviving!  This movie is gonna end awesomely and so unPC like that I might have to watch it aga- HEY, WHO’S HAND IS THAT?!  WHO TELEPORTED IN TO SAVE THE DAY!

NO!

BOB ESCAPES!

…hey wait, there’s Mae… and now they’re in a church- HUUUUWHAT?  And that damned old lady is speaking again- hey, it’s Mrs. Freudstein from the graveyard, which meeeeaaaaaaaaaans…

BOB’S DEAD!

EVERYBODY’S DEAD!

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOW!

Mae, Bob, and Mrs. Freudstein walk off into the mist, and we’re left a quote superimposed on the screen:

"No one will ever know whether children are monsters or monsters are children" — Henry James

Agreed. 

Bob’s a GOT DAMN monster.

Here come the credits, so let’s pack this one in.

BRICK’S FINAL THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY

This one is slower than what I usually expect from a Fulci movie, however all the hallmarks are there: bad dubbing, gore galore, and some weird ass trippy shit that makes you wonder exactly what you just saw.

And I get to do it all over again tomorrow!

TOMORROW

City of the Living Dead!

What are people saying about "A Horror A Day"?

Brick Prior
Re: A Horror A Day

Day 2!
DrDetroit
Re: A Horror A Day

I enjoy A Horror A Day!
Brick Prior
Re: A Horror A Day

I'm happy that you enjoy it!  Here is Day 3!
Brick Prior
Re: A Horror A Day

It's like the fate of the world depends on me!  Day 4!
DrDetroit
Re: A Horror A Day

This is awesome.  This is making me want to bust out some old zombie movies and take a mental health day.  Maybe next week!

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