Posted on October 10th, 2008 in A Horror A Day, Brick Prior, Movies by Brick Prior

I was going to do an Astronaut Jones parody for the opening, but I’m not that far gone yet.

So, what’s up?  How’ve you been?  It’s Day 10, and I think I’ve lost my mind.

Again.

The following text-based hijinks are proof. 

TODAY’S FILM: House on Haunted Hill (1999)

For the most part, I hate remakes, yet I don’t hate this one.  It was one of the better mainstream horror films to come out of the late Nineties horror boom, and I think it holds up pretty well. 

But, let’s let the trailer be the judge of that!

THE TRAILER

THE RECAP, BRICK PRIOR STYLE

NOTE:  No, seriously- you’re gonna be lost worse than Sawyer and company this time out.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you…

Surprisingly, this movie has just a smidge of a pedigree on it; Geoffrey Rush and THE FAMKE notwithstanding, KNB did the effects, and it’s full of genre favorites.  Where else are you gonna see Barbarossa from Pirates of the Caribbean and Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer interact?

Nowhere! 

In fact, let’s have some fun.  Follow along, if you can!

The movie starts off in 1931 with Dr. Herbert West blatantly slicing into a mental patient.  That’s right, he’s up to his old tricks again, but before he can bust out the re-agent, the inmates go nuts and killify his ass before the joint burns down.

So, fast forward to now, 1999, the composite fictional present of yesteryear, where Jean Grey is getting drunk in the tub and watching Peter Graves talk about West’s experiments on the TV, so she goes “HEY GOOD PLACE FOR A BIRTHDAY PARTY THAT IS” and calls up her hubby, the pirate Barbarossa, who has moved on from being a pirate to creating amusement parks.  He’s also scaring the shit out of Spike, souled vampire turned cameraman and Lisa Loeb, who somehow plays herself.  Jean’s on the phone all like “MAKE ME A LIST RAAAAH” and Barbarossa figures out how to use one of those nifty com-pew-tar machines to make a guest list of his own, but then the Ghost of Christmas Past infiltrates the internets and changes the list to a who’s who of people:

WE’VE GOT!

Stella’s Groove!

Sonya Blade!

A Whipped Cream Bra Wearing Triplet!

Corky Romano!

And the horny husband Dumbass from sex, lies, and videotape!

IT’S A PARTY!  WHOOOO! Wait, no- WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOW!

…much better.

So, everyone assembles in the Foyer of Fuckery, not knowing why they’re there except for Corky Romano, whose family inherited the insane asylum-turned-house, which had to be a shit inheritance if there ever was one.

For example:

“Ooooh, money!  Hey Corky, what’d you get?”

“MOTHERFUCKER!  I GOT THE GODDAMN CRAZY HOUSE?!  WHERE’S THE MONEEEEEEEEEEEH?!”

See? That’s a shitty inheritance.

Anyway, they’re all chewing the fat when Jean Grey shows up, and the house says “BOOOOOOOOO! PSYCHIC BROAD MUST DIE AGAIN!” and promptly shatters a stained glass ceiling in an effort to kill her with FALLING SHARDS OF DOOM.   Stella’s Groove makes a SAVING LEAP for +20 on the Survival Meter, but Jean’s not into island Mandingos that cause black women suffering from a midlife crisis to get their groove back, so she tells him to fuck the fuck off.

JEAN GOTTA POTTY MOUTH!

Barbarossa and Jean snipe at each other a bit, and the pirate says that whoever can last the night gets 1 million dollars- but before he can put his pinkie to his mouth, the House says “HEY HEY HEY WHAT’S HAPPENIN’ NOW?!” and drops a bunch of steel shutters into place, locking everyone in.  Jean prompts Barbarossa to give out the “party favors”, and a gun is introduced into the mix- Stella’s Groove gets the gun and promptly says, “Guns don’t kill people- black muthafuckas with guns kill people!” because he too is a fan of My Way Entertainment’s parodies.  He and the Whipped Cream Bra Wearing Triplet go gallivanting around the house in order to get some power restored, so she hotwires the whole thing after getting felt up by Stella’s Groove, because it’s time for vanilla after that dose of city chocolate on the islands, mon.  They get separated and Whipped Cream Girl admits that she’s not really on the list, but shitting on her boss’ social life in order to get some revenge.  She looks for Stella’s Groove, but he’s taking a dip in a vat of blood due to its’ regenerative properties, so she runs like gangbusters to save him, but it’s not him in the vat because he’s at the doorway- that’s right, THE HOUSE IS ALIVE AND PLAYING TRICKS ON PEOPLE!  Stella’s Groove says, “HEY YOU AIN’T CALL ME NOW FOR NO FREE READIN SO I BE HAVIN’ TO SAVE YA!” and hauls the Whipped Cream Girl Triplet from the vat of blood before she can fall in. 

They share a moment.

Meanwhile!

Sonya Blade’s walking around the bowels of the insane asylum shouting “SPOOOOOOOKY!” in all the dark corners and giggling at her echo.  She tries recording her feet as she walks for a lark, but comes across an empty stretcher, so she starts recording that.  However, in her viewfinder, she sees Herbert West cutting into another patient… and unfortunately, they notice her!  Tyrone Biggums magically walks into the shot and asks her, “How ‘bout some crack?!  It’s glorious!” and shows her a vision of what life would be like on crack- people bleeding, demons, all sorts of fun stuff.

She screams and… SHE GONE!  THE HOUSE DONE GOT HER!

Meanwhile, back at the Foyer of Fuckery…

Barbarossa is all, “There ain’t be no bullets in that gun!” but the House goes “SHE GOT THE MIND POWERS, FOOL!” so Jean fires a shot at him anyway, and then says she’s going upstairs to go to bed.  Barbarossa goes to hunt down his cronie that’s been helping him out this fine evening (sadly, he’s not a midget), but finds out that he’s missing his face.  He takes a look at the cameras, and sees Herbert West is brandishing a surgical blade and planning to head upstairs and cut that goddamn Phoenix Force out of Jean Grey, so he hauls ass to save his woman, or so we think.

Back to action!

The Dumbass from sex, lies, and videotape is wandering around by himself, Corky Romano is getting drunk, and Stella’s Groove and the Whipped Cream Triplet are trying to pry open one of those heavy ass steel shutters since no one has tried it yet.  Needless to say they fail, so it’s up to The Dumbass to save the day with his worthless wandering… soon enough, everyone starts wandering because it’s what was in style during this fake year of 1999 and they meet up with Jean, who is now strapped to a gurney and getting electro-shocked to death!  GET THAT PHOENIX FORCE OUTTA HER, EVIL HOUSE!  Everyone flails about to find the off switch, but… SHE DEAD.

AGAIN.

I need a moment.

…and done.

So, everyone starts arguing, which leads to Stella’s Groove and Barbarossa to get into a fight; Stella whoops his ass because Mario Van Peebles hasn’t made a movie about black pirates yet.  The Dumbass decides to lock the pirate up in an old kaleidoscope torture chamber thing, which makes him go crazy due to seeing Herbert West and his dead wife playing around with his own severed head.

Meanwhile, the Dumbass is about to engage in some necrophilia with the late Mrs. Grey-Summers… no wait, it was a swerve!  The Dumbass was a plant!  Jean’s alive!  Hooray!  Hurry up and follow up with this development, Marvel Comics!  They bicker due to Barbarossa not being dead yet!  Jean says “Hey, you’ve got some odd eyebrows” and stabs the fuck out of him.  ANOTHER SWERVE!

Meanwhile, back at the Foyer of Fuckery…

Corky Romano thinks everyone is dead and is getting drunk.  Stella’s Groove and the Whipped Cream Triplet go investigating, and they find Herbert West’s office and figure out that everyone invited was related to workers at the asylum before it burned down.  They go to snag Barbarossa, but find the Dumbass’s corpse in the crazy chamber instead.  Whipped Cream Triplet goes wandering off and stumbles upon Barbarossa, who’s wandering around confused because he’s crazy and has a magical coin that keeps him alive… or so he thinks.  Whipped Cream Triplet says “GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME”, but with bullets instead of words as she shoots Barbarossa about fifteen times.  The pirate dies with a sad look on his face.  Stella’s Groove and Corky collect the now traumatized girl and head on out… just as Jean comes around the corner!  It’s a eulogy for Barba- OH SHIT HE BE ALIVE, MATEY!

“Arrr… I be havin’ a new item around me chest that be repellin’ bullets!  Now I’m gonna kill ye!”

So, he tosses her through a wall, which unleashes the TRUE ESSENCE OF THE HOUSE.  It transports Jean to the Blue Side of the Moon and kills her because… well, that’s where it happened the first time.  It then goes after the pirate, who rushes upstairs, freaking everyone else out.  Corky gets swallowed up by the evil force, and America cheers.  Everyone hauls ass to the clock tower set of Shanghai Knights, where Barbarossa saves the Whipped Cream Triplet and gets all huskified in the process.  The shutters are going up because it’s morning, so she hauls her butt outside, but they go down before Stella’s Groove can get there!

OH NO!

Stella’s Groove is about to go out like a straight up menace, and says:  “I DIDN’T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS!  WHITE PEOPLE ADOPTED ME!   Uh, bombaclot!”

Corky Romano comes back from the dead to haul the weight up, and the Whipped Cream Triplet yanks Stella’s Groove out to safety 800 feet up in the air.

They got the MONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH, though.

The end.

BRICK PRIOR’S FINAL THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY

This one is still a lot of fun- the cast is rock fucking solid and make this a better remake than it has any right to be. Dark Castle Entertainment would flush all the “goodwill” that they had with this movie down the fucking toilet with their “Thirt13en Ghosts” remake, which made me hate life for a good portion of 2001.

Horror movies can be a very painful mistress at times.

Oh well, there’s always tomorrow!

TOMORROW

House of 1000 Corpses!

What are people saying about "A Horror A Day"?

Brick Prior
Re: A Horror A Day

Day 2!
DrDetroit
Re: A Horror A Day

I enjoy A Horror A Day!
Brick Prior
Re: A Horror A Day

I'm happy that you enjoy it!  Here is Day 3!
Brick Prior
Re: A Horror A Day

It's like the fate of the world depends on me!  Day 4!
DrDetroit
Re: A Horror A Day

This is awesome.  This is making me want to bust out some old zombie movies and take a mental health day.  Maybe next week!

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