Posted on October 4th, 2008 in A Horror A Day, Brick Prior, Movies by Brick Prior

I got a letter yesterday- actually, that’s a lie.  I hacked into the site mail.  Here it is:

Dear Attacked By Gorillas Staff,

My name is Timmy- no South Park jokes, please.  Anyway, I’m a long time fan of your site, but I have a question.

Is Brick Prior on drugs?

I don’t understand a lot of the things he talks about- what is, for example, "Tentacle Beast Man"?  Do you guys know what goes on in his head, because I don’t.  Remember that Rage article where he seemed somewhat normal?  I want that guy back… not this ranting monster. 

Oh, and could Dr. Detroit write an article about Dr. Detroit?  I think that would be funny.

Keep up the good work!

Well, allow me to retort. 

Timmy- Brick here.  Hi.  Thanks for the letter.  First off, I’m not on drugs except for the natural endorphins that my body produces when I type.  I do like beer though, which explains my constant smile.  Plus, I’ve stayed away from Jagermeister for quite some time, although I have to go back into "training" soon for a gathering in November.  Anyway, about Tentacle Beast Man, I took a look at my stack of DVDs for the rest of the month, and he does show up again.  I’m not happy about it.  See, Tentacle Beast Man isn’t just one creature, he is many different creatures.  He’s like a violating Legion, thank ya Jesus.  And I remember that Rage article- I was holding back a lot.  I’m a better man, now though.  Therapy helps.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy A Horror A Day.  Keep on keepin’ on.

TODAY’S FILM: H.P. Lovecraft’s Re-Animator

Ahh, Re-Animator.  It’s a wonderful classic from the Eighties… and it doesn’t even have a whole bunch of chicks with bad Eighties hair in it!  That is the most awesome thing ever, because if there’s one thing I hate, it’s Big Ass Eighties’ Hair.  There’s none of that here… just blood, zombies, and the first ever "decapitated head giving head" scene ever put to film.  I wish I was lying (I probably am), but I’m not (again, I probably am)!

Let’s go!

THE TRAILER

THE RECAP, BRICK PRIOR STYLE

Warning:  This recap will be all over the place because I am all over the place.  Literally.  My guts are on the ceiling.

When you’re damn near a genius, sometimes you gotta go to where you won’t be bothered- for Herbert West, this means furthering his studies at Zurich University in Germany… unfortunately, after bringing his mentor back from the dead via his special re-agent (aka his serum, aka that green goop from Junk), he’s expelled and finds himself at Miskatonic University, instantly not getting along with Dr. Hill, the university’s resident expert on "brain death".  There’s probably a better technical term there, except I wasn’t paying attention too much due to the fact that Hill used a blowtorch to put a hole in a cadaver’s forehead, and then stuck a q-tip into the dead guy’s brain. 

NOW THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT. 

I mean, that’s substance.  That’s character development- what possessed him to use a blowtorch- I mean, it creates a simple hole.  Personally, I would have gone the "icepick and a hell of a lot of stabbing" route- more holes in the skull, sure… but a man can never have too many holes to choose from.

THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID.

Erm, my apologies to Michael Scott in Scranton for that one.

Anyway, where was I?  UHHHHHH, West and Hill get into it over their differing theories on what happens to the brain after you die, with West insinuating that Hill stole his stance from West’s mentor, the reanimated eyeball exploding corpse from the beginning of the film.  Enter Dan Cain, who is so devoted to his life as a doctor, he’s previously seen trying to resuscitate a corpse that had been dead for about eight hours.  We’re talking constant compressions followed by breaths and stuff- so many that Dan’s explicitly told to call it a day.  So, he does what any self-respecting man would do after a day of not saving someone’s life and meeting a creepy little toad guy wearing a skinny tie: he bangs his girlfriend Meg.

Post banging, West shows up at the place looking to rent a room since he has nowhere to stay, so he turns the basement into a laboratory.  He and Hill get into it at school again, and West fires up another experiment- this time on Dan’s dead cat (he pulled a Schrute and stuck it in the fridge for safe keeping).  Sure enough, the cat comes back, and DEY STARTS TA SCRAP AND WHATNOT, which convinces Dan that the re-agent works.  So, after trying to convince Meg’s dad (the medical dean or some such, I’m too lazy to skip around on DVD or go to Wikipedia) of the matter, he and West sneak into the morgue to try and bring an actual corpse back to life.

Unfortunately, they pick Arnold Scwharzenegger’s stunt double (seriously, I am not joking) who promptly beats the shit out of them.  Old Man Halsey shows up, gets crushed under a door, has his fingers bitten off, and gets shuffled off his mortal coil unwillingly.  Herbert shoves a bonesaw through fake Arnie’s chest, and gets an awesome idea- REVIVE OLD MAN HALSEY!

Halsey powers up into Zombie Halsey with a +10 in in MUTHAFUCKIN CARNAGE and is about to double chokeslam both West and Cain until Meg shows up, so Halsey says "Eep!" and hides in a corner because he’s ashamed of being a zombie.  Hill has Halsey locked up in one of those padded rooms, and decides to pay West a visit.  West gives up the goods on his re-agent, and then decapitates Hill with a shovel in order to balance things out.  Unfortunately, West has an idea- what if he reanimates parts independant from the brain?  So he injects Hill’s head and Hill’s body, has a bit of a chat with the Doc, and is all sorts of giddy until Hill’s body knocks him out and absconds with the re-agent.

HEBERT GOT A BIT OF A PROBLEM, Y’ALL.

Dan gets informed of the situation and heads out to smooth things over with Meg, but Zombie Halsey shows up and kidnaps his own daughter, as Hill needs a fresh subject to test his "skills" on.   Hill strips Meg naked and is about to play "BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRITSKY" all up in Meg’s bathing suit area when West and Cain barge into save the day!  They kick Hill’s ass all up and down the morgue!  It’s beautiful!  Meg punts his head across the hallway, and they all shout "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL"!

I am also lying again.

See, Dr. Hill used the "blowtorch/q-tip" method to create an army of zombies that can do his bidding, so EVERYBODY FIGHTS, just like in Junk.  Halsey crushes Hill’s head, but his army of zombies rip him to pieces.  West injects Hill’s body with an overdose of serum, but his guts choke the young doctor to death (until the sequel).  Dan and Meg hightail it out of there and are THIS CLOSE TO FREEDOM until a zombie chokes Meg to death.

DOWNER!

Dan, ever the optimist, does the whole CPR thing, but soon realizes that it’s worthless and that his love is gone.

But… there’s one more syringe of serum left…

Meg screams just before the credits roll.

…hooray?

YOU BETCHA!

BRICK’S FINAL THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY

Herbert West is awesome.  See, West’s whole deal is that he just wants to be able to bring people back from the dead.  So what if they turn into ravenous, bloodthirsty zombies instead of retaining all their rationality and cognitive functions, not to mention all their motor skills?  Who cares he inadvertently causes an entire hospital to burn down?  Who cares when he starts the first of many zombie riots that he’ll start throughout three movies?

THE SHIT IS BANANAS.  YOU SPELL IT OUT LOUD, ‘CUZ I CANT.

It’s all for the progression of mankind, which is what good filmmaking should be about… even if you gotta kill a few zombies to get there.

TOMORROW

Nightmare City… or is it?

What are people saying about "A Horror A Day"?

Brick Prior
Re: A Horror A Day

Day 2!
DrDetroit
Re: A Horror A Day

I enjoy A Horror A Day!
Brick Prior
Re: A Horror A Day

I'm happy that you enjoy it!  Here is Day 3!
Brick Prior
Re: A Horror A Day

It's like the fate of the world depends on me!  Day 4!
DrDetroit
Re: A Horror A Day

This is awesome.  This is making me want to bust out some old zombie movies and take a mental health day.  Maybe next week!

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