Posted on October 2nd, 2008 in A Horror A Day, Brick Prior, Movies by Brick Prior

Welcome back to the stage of his- hey, it’s still October!  Have the leaves turned in your “ARRRRRA” yet?  Is Halloween candy at your local convenience store of your choosing?  Been thinking about what you want that special someone to wear for Halloween, and about sixty-six ways you plan to get them out of it as quickly as possible (let’s face it- you gotta get yours, and they… who cares about them?!  IT’S ALL ABOUT YOU YOU YOU!)? Good for you!

Personally, I’m celebrating the only way I know how- by watching horror movies all month long and sharing the results with you.

HOORAY FOR RAMPANT TYPINGS!  IT IS DAY TWO OF A HORROR A DAY!

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAO-  (Note from Mortar: Shut the fuck up, rube.  On with the show.) 

TODAY’S FILM: Junk – EVERYBODY FIGHTS

Ah, Junk- this one came out in 1999, but a couple of years later Versus by Ryuhei Kitamura was gaining a lot of buzz and hype and whatnot, so wouldn’t you know it, everyone started clamoring for all things zombie in a cinema fashion.  So, this nifty little film hit our shores in 2003 on DVD, and it’s a bit of a doozy- it manages to shoehorn Dawn of the Dead, Reservoir Dogs, and Re-Animator into the same eighty-three minute film and let things get KRRRRZY, as the kids say.

If I EVER run into some florescent green glop, I am running away.

THE TRAILER

THE RECAP

NOTE:  Events in this recap may or may not have happened as listed here.  Reader discretion is advised.

When I get around to planning the first of my annual “sure-to-not-fail-because-I-am-not-stupid” heists in the next couple of years, I plan to clone myself because I’m the only person I can trust.  Oh yeah, and I’m not gonna give the loot to the Yakuza at an abandoned military base.  You know what happens when you do that?!

EVERYBODY FIGHTS… ZOMBIES!

But before I delve into things, I’d like to say something to all the doctors or scientists out there- do not experiment on naked women (and please, please, PLEASE don’t speak hilariously overdubbed English when you do so- it only makes things funnier worse) because they are only going to reanimate and rip a chunk of flesh out of your neck.

Just getting the PSAs out the way, that’s all.  Don’t call the “poe-lease”.

So after the prologue with the Boobs biting the doctor/scientist boobs and all that, we cut to the usual stuff- a robbery!  That’s right, a bunch of Japanese folks are hitting up a jewelry store for some… uh, jewels and what not (tables, ladders, and chairs diamonds, rubies, sapphires, oh my!), they go to meet with Silver Fox and the Cut-You-Up squad of Yakuzas at the aforementioned military base.  I should note that everyone in this film isn’t really memorable for their name, just what they do- you got the Thieving Leader (he dies), Silver Fox (I made his name up and he dies), the Cut-You-Up Squad (ditto), Liu Kang the Heroic Doctor (Zombie Boobs goes bowling with his head down an empty hallway), the Driver (hottie), and the WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT RUNT DUDE WHO CANNOT FIRE A GUN OR DO SHIT RIGHT EXCEPT FOR SHIT HIMSELF (he’s right up there with Roger from Night of the Demons, which means that by default he is the smartest person in the film).

Like I was saying, all these people meet up to do the whole trade thing- and there’s a double-cross due to a slight case of ZOMBIE ATTACK thanks to the green goop getting splashed all over the leftover corpses from the experiments.  Silver Fox gets turned, and eats a bit of his stomach as he gets a lifebar over his head, but gets hit with a early round one fatality from the Driver via a BULLET TO THE BRAINPAN.  Liu Kang The Heroic Scientist Doctor  and his military buddy shows up to try and take all the goddamn zombies out via a big ass bomb, but Zombie Boobs has better plans as she kills Military Buddy to even things up.

But hey, wouldn’t you know it?  Zombie Boobs and Mr. Kang had a prior relationship- someone cue the tears!  HARDSHIP!  GRAVITAS!  WHO CARES- PRESS ‘A’ AND SHOOT HER IN THE HEAD!

Sorry.  She goes bowling with his noggin, and with time running out, it’s up for the Driver and that WORTHLESS ASS PIECE OF SHIT to save the day… and naturally, they beat the shit out of her with just about everything.

So, what does Zombie Boobs do to retaliate (besides put on a shiny leather suit)?

She turns Super Saiyan.

Yeah.  I… SHE FUCKING TURNED SUPER SAIYAN TO BEAT UP ON THE HUMANS! BLONDE HAIR AND EVERYTHING!  OHHH SHE’S AN ALIEN!  CUT HER TAIL OFF!  STOP HER POWER- NO, YOU IDIOT, YOU JUST RIPPED HER TORSO OFF AND HEEEEEERE COME THE MAGGOTS! WHY DOES THERE ALWAYS HAVE TO BE MAGGOTS WHEN GOING FOR THE OBLIGATORY GROSS OUT DEATH FIGHT—

…sorry.  Forgot where I was for a moment there.

Telekinesis, electrocution, fire, and a huge explosion end this one.  Oh, and the Driver steals a car to make her get away.

Does the WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT survive?

Of course… because he’s worthless.

I’m gonna watch it again.

BRICK’S FINAL THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY

All jokes aside, this movie is awesome, and I endorse it fully as good movie watching material… but I’d like to say something to you, the reader out there.

Thieves are fucking stupid. 

I know this because I was stolen from once, so I have the right to make that assumption.  However, these thieves are particularly dumb because they decided to hang around the GREEN GOOP OF RESURRECTION.   Herbert West (you’ll learn more about him tomorrow) calls it his serum, and it is bad.  It brings the dead back to life, and even if they’re naked for most of the time, they’re still going bite you.

And then you’re going to come back.  And I know that you let me borrow that dollar to get a cookie from the snack machine in the break room and that we had a good run together as snacking buddies, but goddamnit, you ain’t right no more!  You ain’t yourself! 

YOU’RE A ZOMBIE!

And I’m going to have to shoot you in the head… because EVERYBODY FIGHTS!

Even me.

*sniffle*

I… I need a hug.  Somebody play the theme from the Incredible Hulk TV series while I walk off into the sunset.

TOMORROW

H.P. Lovecraft’s From Beyond!

What are people saying about "A Horror A Day"?

Brick Prior
Re: A Horror A Day

Day 2!
DrDetroit
Re: A Horror A Day

I enjoy A Horror A Day!
Brick Prior
Re: A Horror A Day

I'm happy that you enjoy it!  Here is Day 3!
Brick Prior
Re: A Horror A Day

It's like the fate of the world depends on me!  Day 4!
DrDetroit
Re: A Horror A Day

This is awesome.  This is making me want to bust out some old zombie movies and take a mental health day.  Maybe next week!

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