Posted on October 1st, 2008 in A Horror A Day, Brick Prior, Movies by Brick Prior

It’s October, which means that Halloween is coming up, which also means that I will be immersing myself in horror movies all month long… the only difference is, this year, I plan to share.

The next month will not be a bunch of daily reviews; if you’re looking for ratings on movies here, go check out IMDB.com- what you will see, however, are spastic reactions, ruminations, and poorly misguided missives as I muse about a genre I love too damn much.   This is selective ranting at its finest..

Welcome to A Horror A Day!

TODAY’S MOVIE:  A Nightmare On Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge

This is one goddamn weird sequel;  I figured I’d just get that out the way before I really begin.  I picked this film to be first because I like the Elm Street series but I know that it, like most of the major horror franchises out there, it starts a few things that the franchise would completely exploit in later- overexposing Freddy, Freddy with one liners, Freddy doing dumb shit in the real world… like, invading a pool party.  I realize it was the 80s and whatnot, but the goddamned bastard (no pun intended) boils a swimming pool and tosses people in during the major sequence.

Oh yeah, and there’s odd shit going down, but… it’s a weird fucking movie overall.

THE TRAILER

THE RECAP, BRICK PRIOR STYLE

It’s been a couple of years since all of Nancy Thompson’s friends got killed, blah blah blah, and Freddy immediately starts fucking with the new kid on the block (that just so happened to move into Nancy’s old house) named Jesse- not even half an hour into the movie, Freddy flat out tells him to kill for him and presents him with the glove.  So, Jesse’s all freaked out when Freddy’s main evil stunt involves…

…cranking the heat up in the house to ninety-seven degrees and making the family parakeets freak out, and they explode.

WHAT?!

By the way, Jesse’s dad thinks he used a cherry bomb (by shining it up real nice, turning it sideways, and sticking that sumbitch straight up that bird’s rooty poo candy ass) which leads to the second craziest shit I’ve ever seen other than the one time someone got chopped in the chest and fell ass first onto a pile of my beer bottles. 

Jeese starts wandering the streets after the whole bird incident, and ends up at a goddamned S&M bar.  Worst of all, his gym teacher is there dressed up like the biker from the Village People, and he takes him back to school to run laps and tells him to take a shower.  And then shit goes nuts in school, the gym teacher gets dragged to the showers, gets stripped buck naked and towel snapped (WHAT THE FUCK MOVIE IS THIS?!), and Freddy shows up and cut him to ribbons.  Oh, and Jesse ends up with the glove on.

LET ME REPEAT THAT.

SIKE.  I AM NOT REPEATING THAT BECAUSE I FEEL DIRTY.

From there things almost get back to “normal” (Jesse starts popping Sta-Wake or some shit and being a douche while Freddy keeps fucking with him), until he gets taken over by Freddy right while he’s putting the moves on his girl Lisa, so he gets freaked out again and runs to his best friend’s place- as a note, since this is the Eighties, his best friend is also the school bully.

Told you it was an odd film.

Back to action!

After a hilarious and poignant exchange considering all the flack this movie gets these days for its content (“Something is trying to get inside me!”, says Jesse, only to be hit with “Yeah- and she’s female and waiting for you at the cabana, and you want to sleep with me!” AHAHAHAHA.  ), Jesse falls asleep, leading Krueger to rip his way through Jesse and gut Grady the bully through the door (okay, that was pretty cool).

Jesse flips out yet again (he does a lot of that), and heads to his girl Lisa’s house for some good ol’ confession time.  Lisa tells him to fight it with a wonderful motivational speech that would  have made Tony Robbins proud, but Krueger says fuck that noise and takes over again, gets hit with a lamp, bites the broad on the calf (fetishy fuck that he is), gets stabbed and giggles, lets Jesse take over for a bit, and disappears WHILE JUMPING THROUGH A DOOR only to jump up through the ground during the raging party outside, which is where he starts boiling people alive and slashing kids and whatnot.

Krueger’s got ADD… my problems are harder to diagnose.

Lisa hightails it to the boiler room (OH MY GOD THERE ARE DOGS WITH BABIES’ FACES GUARDING THE JOINT!) and tries to battle Krueger, appealing to Jesse, who’s still in there somehow.  With no other options, she starts singing “I Believe In A Thing Called Love”, Krueger gets all melty and burns up, and Jesse, through the power of a Phoenix Down, appears under the remains.  They live happily ever after. Maybe I didn’t describe everything in that sequence exactly the way it happened, but that’s pretty much what I saw.

Insert jump scare ending on a school bus, and we all go home a little wiser.

BRICK’S FINAL WORDS FOR THE DAY

Half of the fun of the Nightmare series is that most of the sequences blur the line between what the characters perceive as being real versus what’s a dream.  Unfortunately, this movie decides to pretty much throw that all out the window and focus on bit set pieces and “ideas” that just end up muddling things and turning the movie into a bit of a mess.   This one  goes from the standard “sequel the creator of the original movie wanted no part of” and turns into a clusterfuck at the end with zombie killer dogs eating rats and Freddy getting speechfied to by a high school kid with a future in psychology (no shit- the kid gets gutted after a hearty “Help yourself, fucker!” from Krueger).  While it’s better than the campy shit we got with the rest of the sequels, that’s not saying much compared to the original Nightmare and Wes Craven’s New Nightmare.  If you want to play fast and loose with continuity, based on the school bus set pieces at the beginning and end of the film, then you can retcon this one to the same place where the original cut of Highlander 2 resides… ‘cuz we all know Connor McCloud isn’t a goddamned alien.

TOMORROW

Junk: Everybody Fights!

What are people saying about "A Horror A Day"?

Brick Prior
Re: A Horror A Day

Day 2!
DrDetroit
Re: A Horror A Day

I enjoy A Horror A Day!
Brick Prior
Re: A Horror A Day

I'm happy that you enjoy it!  Here is Day 3!
Brick Prior
Re: A Horror A Day

It's like the fate of the world depends on me!  Day 4!
DrDetroit
Re: A Horror A Day

This is awesome.  This is making me want to bust out some old zombie movies and take a mental health day.  Maybe next week!

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