Posted on August 13th, 2008 in Axel Night, Food by Axel Night

As Kenzan has pointed out, logic and cereal don’t mix.  Despite the infinite choices, they all always seem the same to me.  Breakfast needs something new, and I’m the one to give it to you.  So far, Kellogg’s isn’t returning my calls.  But soon… 

Just because you’re insignificant in the greater scheme of the cosmos doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a good breakfast.

Non-Euclidean-O’s

Jam packed with 12 essential vitamins and minerals, and 1d6 SAN damage!  Start your day healthy and tastey, instead of with the tired, old 1d4 investigators per round.  Fhtagn for it by name.

Sanskrit Bits

Originally suggested by the Architect of Awesome.  Make breakfast fun and educational with a 3500 year old dead language!  Remember when you used to get in trouble for spelling swear words with your cereal?  Not anymore!  Now you can recreate the original version of the Kama Sutra, right in your milk.

Religious Charms

The only polytheistic breakfast food with marshmallow shapes of such popular symbols as the Crucifix, Ankh, Pentacle, Star of David, Odin’s Horn, Akua’ba and more!  Coming soon, the Galapagos Sea Turtle!

Bacon Toast Crunch

"Can you see why everyone loves Bacon Toast Crunch?"
"Is it healthy and good for the environment?"
"No, silly vegan!  It’s got bacon fat slathered over every bite!"

Seriously.  Bacon is delicious and is a breakfast food.  Why is it not served in a box that I can conveniently pour into a bowl?

Frosted Ritalin Flakes

Have the paradigms of modern society allowed you to feed your child a cereal each morning so packed with sugar it could send a dog into a diabetic coma?  Do you also give them a caffeinated soft drink beverage at least twice a day?  Is your child overactive and having difficulty paying attention in school?  Maybe his diet is to blame.

So, try new Frosted Ritalin Flakes.  It’s the same candy-disguised-as-breakfast you’re feeding your child right now, combined with the same medication doctors prescribe everyday to make parenting easier, by numbing your kid down to the mental equivalent of a worker ant.  Side-effects may include deliciousness!

For you grown-ups, don’t forget to check out Prozac Puffs!

Milky Crispies

Lots of cereals turn your milk into chocolate milk, but how many cereals turn your milk into milk?  Just one, that’s how many.  Each piece of Milky Crispies is covered in evaporated milk.  Just add them to a bowl of water, and it becomes milk!  At least that’s the theory.  Or, add them to milk, for more milky milk!  Moo-ve over, dairy isle.  You’ve just been replaced by the cereal isle.

X-Box Live Cereal

Do you remember Nintendo Cereal, back in the 80s?  Of course you don’t; you’re 12.  And that’s why we’re making X-Box Live Cereal.  Be amazed as your cereal insults your race, creed or sexual preference.  Chew in wonder as X-BLC gets you "so high".  Taste the bitter-sweet tang of being tea-bagged repeatedly.  And now, get achievement points off of every box top, because your worth can only be measured by the amount of money and time you spend on our products.

What are people saying about "Rejected Breakfast Cereals"?

BlinderGuardian
Re: Rejected Breakfast Cereals

A diet, Christian cereal.  Low in calories, high in salvation.
It's less filling than most cereals, and we think that's because captain crunch is a pirate heathen.
it shall be called...

And On The Seventh Bowl, He Rested.
Othgar the Flamboyant
Re: Rejected Breakfast Cereals

If they have alphabets whuy note RUNES! using all of the old norse runes.

Is your life empty? OF COURSE IT IS!! Fill up on Valhallska flakes and the battle to digest begins!

and on a serious note i would not be surprised to see a lucky charms knock off with all religious holy symbols
BlinderGuardian
Re: Rejected Breakfast Cereals

Crosses, Stars of David, and the Yin Yang too!
SaikyoCrusher
Re: Rejected Breakfast Cereals

Nabisco Shredded Meat
Othgar the Flamboyant
Re: Rejected Breakfast Cereals

Crosses, Stars of David, and the Yin Yang too!

I would be tempted to eat that cereal but think about it.  Other than a Yin Yang how many sharp angles are in all of the other holy symbols, a cross, star, crescent moon?  may be enlightenment in a bowl but it will fuck your mouth up to where you cant spread the word.

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