Because I obviously hate humanity, another episode of Minigames. 

Hello, I’m your hostess, the beautiful Eildre, and welcome to another webcast of Minigames, the late-night gaming show for when you’re out of porn and have nothing better to do.

Holy fourth dimensions, Eildre, a sequel!  After that last steaming pile of digital diarrhea, I thought we were destined for the dreaded dustbin of demise.

Damn straight!  But never underestimate the powers of alcohol.  Today, we’ll be looking at what some people are calling the best game you’re not playing, Blood Will Tell for the Playstation 2.

I can’t say I’ve ever heard of it.  I bet you’ve never heard of it.  In fact, I’m pretty certain Ingstone just found it used in the bargain bin for $9.99.

And if you were actually entertaining, our budget might be a bit higher.  Now, gather the party, we’re going in.

To the green screen!

Otho!

No, seriously kids.  It’s like that old show, Nick Arcade, where they would go “inside the videogame!”  And the kids would flail about like a seizure victim and you would yell at them like they were retarded, but it’s not their fault, because all they see is green.

Are you finished?  Now that our fourth wall has the equivalent of a bleeding ulcer, would you kindly GET THE DAMN PARTY!

Yes, mom.

  Now, how this works is each party member will drill in and, using their keen minds and experience, give their views on the title.  First up, Ingstone, with a synopsis.

Blood Will Tell was released by Sega in 2004 with next to no response.  It was based off of the yet to be Americanized manga, Dororo, by Osamu Tezuka.

Prophesized to be the warrior to defeat the 48 evil fiends that haunted the world, Hyakkimaru was robbed of most of his body at birth and cast away in a river.  Found by a kind doctor, he was reconstructed using mechanized parts and when he grew of age, set out to defeat the fiends and reclaim his body parts.

Essentially, Hyakkimaru is a feudal Japanese Six-Million Dollar Man.  In addition to a traditional katana, his arms come off to expose a pair of blades attached at the elbow.  He’s also equipped with a built in machine gun and leg-mounted mortar.

Shortly into the adventure, the manga’s title character, Dororor, enters as Hyakkimaru’s companion.  An androgynous young theif, Dororo follows Hyakkimaru around, providing various supporting roles while ignoring the obvious danger a young boy might face when standing between a cyborg samurai and a bazillion demons.

The story is unique and well presented with numerous quality cut-scenes throughout the game to ensure that every leg of your journey has a back story.  Because the original manga never reached completion, Sega actually wrote a theoretical completion to the story, so even fans of the original series had no clue what to expect.

Excellent.  Otho, your take?

Samurai + Heavy Artillery = Freakin’ Sweet!

Hyakkimaru is nothing shy of a total and complete badass.  Swords, guns, explosives, crazy combos, aloof heroic attitude… I’ve invented a new word, and Webster’s best recognize, cuz something this sweet needs its own title. 

You ready? 

Cyburai. 

Freakin’ sweet, I know.

A second player can control the little boy, and while I can respect a fellow thief under four feet tall, sorry kid, you just don’t bring the bourbon to the bayou.  That sucks, because sometimes you have to take the brat solo through a field of traps and puzzles.  I guess it was interesting and all, and breaks up the monotonous slaughter.  But, I mean, it breaks up the monotonous slaughter!  Why would you do that?  If I wanted to use my brain, I’d call a woman or something, not play videogames.

Thank you, Otho, for that brilliant analysis.  I will be sure to stab you later.  Urgug?

… Right, we’ll get back to you.  Someone get that barometer out of his hand.  Ashard?

Dororo fights a few enemies, but mostly solves puzzles. To get past the guard, check Dororo’s inventory. He has smoke bombs to knock him out.

Indeed.  Otho is not completely without sense.  The slaughter is illustrious and frequent, as should be expected from the “beat ‘em up” genre.  Most foes have patterns and while not much wit is necessary to proceed, the challenge level is not especially linear.  Some are significantly more difficult than others, and not in increasing order.  There are 48 different, intriguing bosses to face, which is frequent enough to make up for the fact that the action seems to move at a somewhat more sluggish pace than games like Devil May Cry.  The game tries to keep it varied and new through its 15 to 20 hour romp.  I found the breaks with Dororo refreshing, unlike Otho.  Though you gain new strength and abilities upon defeating a boss and regaining a body part, and new combos slowly present themselves in upgraded weapons, you can’t hide the stale stench that comes with this brain-dead style of game play.  Despite the engaging story, I eventually grew tired of doing the same thing for several hours.  If wholesale slaughter never got old, I would still be imposing my infernal wrath upon random orphanages and innocent bystanders.

You vaporized our production assistant just last week.

And then I did a Sudoku puzzle.  Mental stimulation, Eildre my dear.  You should try it sometime.

Finally, back to Urgug.  You played Blood Will Tell just now.  What did you think?

Hyakkimaru and Dororo ala cutscene.

Game hurt Urgug.  Because movie pretty, Urgug think game will look pretty.  Game not look pretty, like finding empty Christmas tree.  People look like made with toy blocks like old game.  Urgug long for glorious sound of battle!  Not find.  Only find boring music, put Urgug to sleep.  Then camera start not move!  Urgug need camera to move!  Little girl keep saying “Dororo Punch” until Urgug cry.  Why Eildre make Urgug cry?!  *sob*

Umm… And there you have it, Blood Will Tell for the PS2.  But the bargain bin only goes deeper and cheaper, so as long as our sponsors don’t assassinate us in our sleep, we’ll see you next time on Minigames.

(rocking in place, crying) Dororo Punch … Dororo Kick … Dororo Uppercut …

 

What are people saying about "Minigames - Blood Will Tell (PS2)"?

Brick Prior Re: Minigames - Blood Will Tell (PS2) "IT GON' RAIN" is my new catchphrase. Thanks! Keep up the good work!

SaikyoCrusher Re: Minigames - Blood Will Tell (PS2) I can say for sure that the game is definitely not as good as the movie. Check out Dororo at your local import distributer. Urgug is becoming a favorite of mine already, looking forward to the next Minigames episode.

Axel Night Re: Minigames - Blood Will Tell (PS2) I've read about a movie, seen a trailer, and heard that it was apparently very good.  Dororo gets played played by a well known Japanese actress, Kou Shibasaki, either to maintain the confusion, or leading me to believe that maybe he is a girl raised as a boy, which isn't an unfamiliar concept in Japanese stories.

Read the rest or join the discussion here on the forums. If you're not a member of the forums, register first.