Posted on July 28th, 2008 in Free Floating Hostility, Kenzan by Sasha Kenzan

"This next piece of material is real simple; it’s called free-floating hostility. Minor cultural items that I’m bored with, tired of, and pissed at. So I hope you’re ready for a little random anger." – George Carlin, 1937-2008

I was merrily traveling the aisles of my local grocery store the other day when I went down my favorite aisle; the cereal aisle. And it’s not because of the cereal, even though I love cereal. I could eat it for every meal of the day if my body didn’t require things like "protein" or "something other than fiber and carbohydrates". But I love the cereal aisle because never will you find so many different items repackaged into different shapes and sold for a different price. There are actually some people that swear up and down that the different shapes make the foodstuffs taste better.

So I was in the cereal aisle and I came across one of my favorite cereals of them all; Alpha-Bits. Frosted oat cereal in the shape of the alphabet? How can you go wrong?! It promotes literacy and a nutritious breakfast, so long as you are reading a book and eating half of a continental breakfast to go along with it. But something about this box of Alpha-Bits puzzled me.

Waaaait a second… does that really say "NEW!"? Alpha-Bits? NEW?! I don’t believe this. Somehow, someway, Post is trying to convince the food-buying public that Alpha-Bits, a cereal that’s been around for almost fifty years, is somehow NEW!. How in the world are Alpha-Bits new? Oh, sure, there isn’t as much sugar, which is kind of a good thing, as the Alpha-Bits I grew up with had a half-pound of sugar in there, but does that really constitute new?

General-Mills tried this shit with Trix a couple of years ago by switching back to the round balls of delicious "fruit" glory, but Trix had been shaped like the fruits they allegedly represented for 15 years. For most of the people eating Trix, it genuinely was a new shape for them. But I seriously can’t remember a time where Alpha-Bits had been off the shelves for longer than a month. Maybe I’m not meant to understand it. Maybe it’s some kind of cereal conspiracy. A breakfast befuddlement? I don’t know.

Look, the point is, taking this shit off the shelves for a brief period of time doesn’t make it "new" or any less delicious, because Alpha-Bits and Frosted Cheerios are the same thing. Maybe I just want to spell something with my food other than a long string of Os. Um… maybe I’ve admitted to too much.

What are people saying about "Free Floating Hostility #1"?

Brick Prior
Re: Free Floating Hostility #1

See, this is why I don't eat cereal.

Or breakfast.

Hamburgers all the way.
Axel Night
Re: Free Floating Hostility #1

You can spell "NEW" with alpha-bits.  Ooh, maybe they've introduced an exclamation point!  I'd like to see that.  No, not like with the broken pieces the ghetto way we used to.  I want my breakfast to defy physics.  When the hell are they going to come out with Non-Euclidean-O's?  I'd so buy that.
Architect of Awesome
Re: Free Floating Hostility #1

I'd personally like to see some Sandskrit Bits in my breakfast isle.

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