Up next, Minigames.  Minis playing games.  It’s what they do. 

Hello, I’m your host, Eildre, and welcome to an action-packed webisode of Minigames!

 Please don’t say “webisode".

(Cheerful) Bite me, Otho.  Today on Minigames, we’ll be playing the thrilling adventure game, Shadowgate!

Adventure, you say?  I suppose I’d best retrieve Urgug.

 Urgug adventure!

Yes, you malformed spawn of a gin drunk, gibbering mouther.  Now place your thick skull between us and whatever arrows or tripe passing as entertainment that might be hurled our way.

I’m not sure how much help Urgug will be today.  Shadowgate is a classic puzzle-adventure title.  I doubt he’ll be of much use.  Ingstone, will you give us the run down?

But of course, m’lady.  Shadowgate was originally released on the Mac, back before that meant whoring your soul to the gods of trendiness.  It has since seen Amiga, PC, NES, Gameboy Color, and Pocket PC versions over the years.  In it, the hero must traverse the Castle Shadowgate in search of the wicked Warlock that plagues his soon-to-be kingdom, collecting objects and solving puzzles as he goes.

Yay for Bardic Knowledge!

Yay for Wikipedia.

And so, forward we tread to face the horrors and adventure of Castle Shadowgate.

Urgug Adventure!

 

Could this be an 8-bit Nintendo rendered Castle?

In all of its censored glory!

I am overjoyed that my murder simulators can be family friendly.

Urgug already ran in.  Let’s give it a go.

 

Welcome back.  We’ve hit a small snag.

We haven’t left the first hallway.

We’re going insane.  Some cruel bard has looped this damned orchestration without mercy  Ashard, in order to stop the pain, “Used Spear on Self”.  I don’t even know where he found a spear, because we have come across nothing but two torches, which Otho promptly used to burn away the rug.  There wasn’t even anything under the rug!

Not even so much as a small flame animation.  Such a let down.  Hey, look!  Here comes Urgug!

Urgug kill Behemoth!

Wait, what?  You beat the game?  You, Urgug, completed a puzzle adventure?

Urgug get phat lewt!

Loot!  You ninja ganking bitch!  Hand it over this instant.

How did you even complete this hall?  It is without reason.

Urgug find key in skull outside.

Skull outside?  The one over the door?

Urgug a king now!

Otho, go get the key.  We, the true adventures that we are, will not be bested by a simple game.

Fine fine, I’m going.  That is so coming out of your DKP, Urgug.

 

Well, we’ve lost party members to dragons, pits, traps, sharks and the darkness itself.  (Contrary to popular Internet lore, Magic Missile is completely ineffective against darkness.)  In fact, it seems nearly everything you touch is instantly fatal.  We tried to be careful, but half of the the puzzles seem oriented around finding obscure gems, rods and trinkets in assorted hiding places and secret compartments and shoving them in arbitrary holes, latches and lakes.  No wonder Urgug finished the game.  Only his obscene hit point total and advanced ADHD could possibly see this through to the end.  I wish we could show you more, but since our cleric committed suicide, I need to find someone with several Raise Dead spells.  Until next time, I’m Eildre, and I’ll see you on the next Minigames.   Urgug!  Get your royal ass back here and carry these corpses!

 

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