Posted on July 23rd, 2008 in Axel Night, Tabletop Gaming by Axel Night
The Dungeon Master, returning from his drinking binge we sent him into with the last campaign, slowly slumps into the dimly lit room. The look on his face is that of a man resigned to his fate. That and a massive hangover. Dungeons & Dragons 4th Edition has finally hit the shelves, and we somehow manage to talk him into returning to the throne of his sanity’s demise. He sips slowly at his room temperature coffee and slings a barrage of character sheets, printed in patchy blue ink (due to his printer having been out of black ink for the past four months), slightly wrinkled, damp and smudged from the confines of his eight year old JanSport backpack. I believe mine is special because it came pre-Cheetos-dusted. It is time to create characters. Mark has already decided on the savage, dragonborn, battle-axe wielding fighter: Meat-Hawk. David begins twinking his stats for a tiefling wizard named Yurmomsaho. Thus, it comes down to me to give this group a lesson in class and pwning.
Testosteronius, son of Rice’aronius and Slayer of Virginity
I look to the player’s handbook for my instructions.
1. Choose Race.
Dragonborn and tiefling are already taken. Damn them for that. I’ll have to pick one of the old staples or the new Eladrin. Eladrin are note-worthy for two things. They can teleport and are smart. Limp-wristed bookworm does not a Slayer of Virginity make. So, Testosteronius shall be Half-Elf, the pimps of 4th Edition. Half-Elf, but all man.
I scribble down my ability and skill adjustments. Extra charisma, diplomacy, insight… this is all looking very good. Dilettante. I get limited use of another class’s powers. Testosteronius, you whore. Languages. Common, Elven, choice of one other. Third language shall be "Love". I also seem to give my allies a diplomacy bonus. Testosteronius oozes charm, baby. Ew, wait, no…
2. Choose Class.
Is there any question? Good old rogue. Rogues do it from behind and all that rot. It seems rogues are now much more swashbuckle-y. I think I’ll run with that idea.
3. Determine Ability Scores.
In old D&D, we rolled characters. In recent D&D, we rolled characters with fluffed diced or the option of buying our stats from a pool of points. Now, D&D gives me six numbers as my first option and tells me to go play in traffic. 16, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10. I’m sure I could do better buying them, but I can’t be arsed. Let’s go with it. I want all physical, with a good bit of charm to back it up. Don’t forget the racial bonuses.
Strength: 14
Constitution: 14 (12 + 2)
Dexterity: 16
Intelligence: 10
Wisdom: 11
Charisma: 15 (13 + 2)
4. Choose Skills.
Third edition introduced us to the glory that are skill points. We got a huge list of skills with a spit in the bucket full of points to divide into them. 4e has condensed that down into 17 skills that don’t take up half of a character sheet, and I don’t have to divide any points. I just get four of them to be trained (get a +5 bonus) in. Restrictive? Hells no. Try easy. Rogue says I get Stealth and Thievery for free. Now to pick four more on the rogue-approved list. Let’s pick Athletics and Acrobatics, for obvious reasons. I think Insight, simply because I already get a bonus in it as a Half-Elf and I want to be a twink. Streetwise as my fourth, for those lonelier nights when we’re in a virginity dry-spell.
5. Select Feats.
There are a lot of feats that I have my eye on. Some are for rogues. Some boost my athletic abilities. I even have access to feats restricted to humans, elves, and half-elves. However, rogues are no longer proficient in the rapier out of the gate (no one is, because it’s just that awesome) and I find this extremely important to remedy. So, Testosteronius gets Weapon Proficiency: Rapier as his first level feat. I’ll get another next level and again at 4th. I’ll get to the others soon enough.
6. Choose Powers.
At first level I get two powers that I can use as often as I want, one I can use once per encounter, and one I can use once per day. As a half-elf, I also get one at-will power from another class to use once per encounter. For my At-Will attacks, I think I want Riposte Strike and Sly Flourish. Riposte Strike is similar to a normal melee attack, except it uses dexterity instead of strength (which is slightly better for me), and if that enemy attacks me before my next turn, I get an extra free attack on them. Very duelist. Sly Flourish is a melee or ranged attack attack that uses my dexterity as well, but also adds my Charisma to the damage. That’s just sexy. Like Testosteronius.
For my encounter power, I choose King’s Castle, which does good damage and lets me switch places with an adjacent ally. I can’t think of the tactical use of this right now, but I know that Testosteronius likes to switch it up and be on bottom sometimes. Perhaps I’m planning for the wrong kind of encounter.
My daily power will be Trick Strike, which does really good damage and lets Testosteronius move that target one square every time he scores a hit on it for the rest of the encounter. Here, I’m actually using my brain. I know Testosteronius’s Riposte Strike actually interrupts the attacker’s attack, acting as if it went just before he was hit. If his counter-attack hits, I can slide the enemy a square away, thus putting them out of range and making their attack fail.
And lastly, I get to pick another class’s at-will power to add to my once per encounter supply for being a half-elf. I will pick the warlock ability Eyebite. It takes advantage of my solid charisma score for hit and damage, gives me a quickly-accessible ranged attack, and if it hits it makes me invisible to the target for one round, meaning easy Sneak Attack damage.
Testosteronius is a bad ass.
7. Choose Equipment.
Rapier, leather armor (It’s for when he’s riding. Don’t want road rash. Testosteronius doesn’t do bondage.), a few shurikens, and the generic "adventurer’s kit" of assorted things I only half care about (like food). Women waste time shopping. Testosteronius is no woman.
8. Fill in the Numbers.
Numbers, snore. Testosteronius is quick, fairly durable, and actually capable of standing toe-to-toe with your average baddy. His damage output looks pretty wicked. I hope Meat-Hawk and Yurmomsaho don’t get jealous when he starts to make everyone his bitch, on and off the battlefield.
9. Roleplaying Character Details.
I think we know the answers to this. Shank or Shag, Testosteronius be the big pimp mac daddy. He doesn’t wear a shirt, eats his steak raw, and doesn’t stop to ask for directions. Don’t ever joke about his "light blade" or you may not live long enough to regret it.