Posted on June 30th, 2008 in Boogity Boogity Boogity, Brick Prior by Brick Prior
Greetings, salutations and hello again. Welcome to my little corner of the Internet, which is far far away from your corner of the Internet, but due to various advances in technology, we can still communicate like old friends.
So, old friend, let me tell you where I’ve been: to hell and back. Let me explain after the jump.
THE UWE BOLL EXPERIMENT, OR: How I Learned To Hate Myself All Over Again For The Fourth Time This Year
Contrary to popular belief, I do not hate everyone- I actually like people, and sometimes I get rankled (school word count: 1) when someone’s taking a lot of shit for no particular reason. Imagine my shock, dismay, and outrage (pronounced ‘out-ra-shay’ for all you cultured folks out there) when I saw that there was a petition out to keep Uwe Boll from filmmaking (hey, this is Mortar cutting in- UHHHHH, you’re seriously fucking late, broheim- so this better be good). Long story short, Stride Gum got involved and wanted to give everyone who signed the petition a pack of gum, Postal came out in two theaters and somebody’s basement, and folks don’t like the new Indiana Jones movie all that much. Since I go against the grain when I’m cutting someone and with my preferred social practices, I decided to get down to the bottom of things. With my keen intellect, grandiose sense of whimsy, wonder, and a healthy admiration for Bad Movies, I did something I swore I was never going to do again:
I watched House of the Dead. But the worst part about the whole thing?
I paid for the DVD.
Now, here’s where the adventure lies, Wonderful Reader o’ Mine- no one would sell me the DVD online. Apparently it does not exist so I had to go to extreme measures to get it- I bought it from a Canadian fellow by the name of Ymir. It was a Saturday night, and not everything was all right- Ymir had a clubbed foot and an odd habit of snacking on boiled peanuts while I tried to purchase this unholy DVD.
“Did you know that the broad from Smallville shows her boobies in this movie?” he asked me.
“I hate that show, yes, and I don’t care. Huh?”
“They ran out of blood making this movie. Did you know that it has more effects shots that The Matrix?”
“Do what now?” My confusion was really throwing Ymir off his game- so much that when I finally bought the DVD, I paid $14, which proves that we are both quite fucking stupid. I made it back to my humble abode, high-fived Batman (bastard still owes me rent money from last week, the joik), and threw the DVD into the player.
That is when I became the first American ever to fight his DVD player. I put the old boy out of his misery with a brick-assisted front dropkick (IT GOT KICKED IN ITS CHEST), and then borrowed Batman’s supercomputer for some DVD viewage.
SIDENOTE: Did you know that Batman watches a lot of porn? Specifically, vomit porn. Pudding was not meant to come up in THAT fashion.
Where was I?
Oh yeah, so I watched House of the Dead in an attempt to get down to the crust of the Uwe Boll hatred, and as I feared, the movie still sucked ass even with half a fifth of Jagermeister rolling around in my gut. Drunk and dismayed, I made the eight hundred and fifty-sixth biggest mistake of my life (Number one is going to see Mission Impossible 2 in the theater)…
I watched Bloodrayne afterwards.
SIDENOTE #2: Did you know that twelve summers ago following an aborted time traveling mission, Axel Night fought both a werewolf and a vampire at the same time? His involvement in this site is a front for various interdimensional missions of war that bring about peace. That “Rock versus Paper” article isn’t what you think it is, got damn’t.
Yeah, so… Bloodrayne. I watched that too. What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with Kristanna Loken’s voice? Why’s it gotta be like this? I don’t know, but I do know that once I get an idea in my head, it sticks around… and I’d already gone too far for anyone else but me to handle, so I completed the Holy Trilogy of Boll by watching In the Name of the King Colon A Dungeon Siege Tale About A Farmer Named Farmer.
As Charles Barkley would say, “WHAAAAAAAAAAAOW!”
Yeah, it was also bad- while it’s a pet peeve of mine to explain why I dislike things, I honestly don’t have to in this case. The movie is horrendous- so horrendous, in fact, that I started thinking…
“Can I do better?”
I thought about it for a bit; since I was already thinking in general, I decided to actually focus and ruminate on a specific topic: can I make a movie better than Uwe Boll? I started to wonder, what kind of movie would I make? What would be my perfect movie?
Well, I thought about it for a good while…. and, I’m sorry to say, but I won’t be making that Brick Prior Cinematic Masterpiece because someone already made it. This formula has been used in countless movies, but they only got it right one time waaaaaaaaaaaay back in 1986… and here’s the trailer!
Gratuitous Eddie Murphy Before Eddie Murphy Became Eddie Murphy: Fat Suit Loving Man Who Fucks Himself Onscreen (Watch Norbit. I dare you.). Randomly Odd Faced Woman With Awesome Bewbage. Multicultural Movie Due To Victor Wong and James Hong- Egg Shen and Lo Pan Reunite For The First Time! Come on, this is a cultural touchstone, a landmark event in cinema, and the best joke about a knife ever.
I cannot top that… so endth my movie making career. In closing:
Uwe Boll – 8
Brick Prior -6 for mental and ocular effort and because I had a nice burp afterwards.
UPCOMING SHIT
I implore everyone to buy Spaced when it is released on DVD next month. That’s right, SPACED. S-P-A-C-E-D. I’m lazy, so it’s up to you to do the research (I am also an enabler, so I definitely enable you to use Google and READ FOR YOURSELVES ABOUT THE SHOW). It’s got Simon Pegg in it, which is all you need to know.
Hellboy 2 and The Dark Knight come out next month, but we should all probably go see Wall-E before those two come out.
Uhhh… Lady Liberty’s got balls.
I’m out until next week.
Brick Prior has no real ending for this now ongoing column. Next time, Gadget… next time.
What are people saying about "Boogity Boogity Boogity"?
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Axel Night Re: Boogity Boogity Boogity I'll start by saying I only hold a grudge against Uwe Boll for Blood Rayne. Not because it was a bad movie. It was a bad movie. I like bad movies. I watch some stupid shit. It's that he made the wrong bad movie. Blood Rayne should have been a cheesy, gratuitous B movie. Uwe Boll just made the wrong cheesy, gratuitous B movie. I want Rayne to puff out her barely-clad chest, lop off a Nazi's head while doing a crotch-exposing flip, then say a corny one-liner in a sultry tone. I want a flat (only in the literary sense) character who's only emotions are rage and sex, who's closest mortal human trait is that she grunts erotically when she gets hurt at key plot-points designed to build tension. I want her to fight zombies for no reason. I want her to solo a tank in the confines of a German castle, without asking how it got there. And when she is standing, dripping with sweat, amidst a pile of bloodied corpses, when the glorious, totally unrealistic violence may just be desensitizing me to anything else that could possibly be thrown my way, THAT is when we put in the randomly unnecessary sex scene with the otherwise unimportant character who was not in the games. Yes, I had hopes that Blood Rayne would be like countless other bad movies. I had wanted it to only vaguely follow the small spattering of story the games had as a vehicle to poorly acted, low-budget sex and violence, and I was let down. And I hated him for it. But, in many other respects, I stand behind Uwe Boll. First off, I have seen interviews with him as well as read/watched comments by people who have met him. The man has a deep passion for making movies. He absolutely loves what he does. For the most part, his name has been attached to the word "suck" because the movies he has wanted to make have been attached to video game licenses without really supporting the plot and feel of what are essentially pre-manufactured stories in need of a special kind of care to please an audience who, like my rant above, already know what they want to see before they see it. Add in that it's an audience of young, opinionated Internet users, and you have a recipe for disaster. While I don't like his movies, mainly for those reasons, I refuse to buy into this petition hype. I think it's pretentious and a downright shitty way to treat a human-being. If you don't like someone's movies, you stop paying for them. If someone doesn't make money, they stop giving them money. I think Uwe Boll needs to stop making video game movies. If you watch them, it's obvious he has his own stories and ideas in mind, and that the pre-rendered worlds of gaming aren't for him. He has, at very least, a creativity and passion that needs its own space to grow. To say that he should never make another movie again for ever and ever no take-backs on a mass-public, commercially endorsed petition is childish and rude, if you ask me. Still, I'd be the first one crying if they handed him the Mega Man license and told him to have fun. |
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Architect of Awesome Re: Boogity Boogity Boogity Let's go ahead and get one thing straight: I *hate* Uwe Boll. HATE HIM. The man may have the passion and love for video games *and* movies, but by God, he has no talent for making movies. Passion is rarely a replacement for talent. Imagine, if you will, me making a video game. I have passion for video games, but no talent. It would most likely turn out as a horrid mix of pong and street fighter, but less fluid and more crappy. The petition issue, that's going to far. Just because I don't like the man on the personal soap-box reasoning of "I don't like his work therefore I don't like him", doesn't mean that petitions need be signed and a man need lose his means of money making just because what he does sucks. I'd rather let box office audiences decide for themselves, and they always do, it just so happens that they always show that a man can smear poop on a screen, and people will pay to see it. PS- Bert Reynolds was in "In the Name of the King"! Bert "I was in 'Smokey and the Banit'" Reynolds! My God, the man enticed Bert Reynolds into that crap! PSS- AND JASON STATHAM! My world is crumbling around me, and there's nothing I can do about it! |
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Brick Prior Re: Boogity Boogity Boogity #2. Join me as I lose my mind! |
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Robfathah Re: Boogity Boogity Boogity Uwe Boll missed his calling -- all that "passion" he exudes in those interviews about his shitty movies is False. He made movies because they were god damn tax shelters, and now that German law has changed so he can't do that anymore, I'd wager we'll see a lot less raping of various franchises by this sorry piece of crap. Sign the petition, people. SIGN IT NINE TIMES. You're doing the right thing. You don't believe me? Watch Alone in the Dark, which could've easily been at least a half-decent movie if anybody with a frigging working mind had cobbled it together, but no. That said, Uwe Boll isn't alone in his guilt -- the assholes that repeatedly gave him the RIGHTS to these franchises should be ashamed of themselves as well. And goddamn it, I think I just brought a dead post back from the grave. |
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Brick Prior Re: Boogity Boogity Boogity It's been a while. #3. Enjoy! |
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